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Here's the scenerio. I welcome any comments, questions, insights, etc:
Mom and Dad are in love, happily married, well to do and decide to have a child. They have a perfectly happy, healthy, smart little girl whom they adore from the start. The parents are educated, stable, consistent, basically a great family with no skeletons in the closet or any drama in the household. Lots of love and happiness etc.
Life continues seemingly wonderfully. The dad becomes a huge success in business and the family reaches immense wealth, greater than they'd ever dreamed and they and subsequent generations will never have to worry about money. They decide to have one more child 8 years later, who is equally happy, healthy, as the first. Both children are females and get along with eachother great even from early childhood.
However, the normally calm, happy, laid back mom begins to have mood swings shortly after having the second child. Any small thing sets her off into an angry rage. The family wonders if she has post partum depression, and the dad does everything to reason with the mom and try to manage her rages as she has them infront of the children, usually while he is at work. She never hits the children or neglects their needs, but rather will just go into angry verbal rants/tirades that can last hours.
Years go by and her anger continues. Shes always controlled in public, and even at home when she is ranting and raving, can totally collect herself to answer the phone/door, etc if need be. So its not that she is "out of control" but rather is in perfect control and is just furious all the time.
Most of her anger is directed at the oldest child. The oldest child becomes a perfectionist at everything and thinks the mom is crazy and detaches emotionally from the parents as a teen, finding solace in friendships and other social relationships. The oldest is very popular, outgoing and well liked. The younger one also thinks the mom is crazy but unlike the oldest, is close to the dad.
Both kids are "good" kids. Never get in trouble, always do well in school, do not rebel, etc. When the oldest is in the middle of highschool, the mother, whose tirades have been going on for almost 10 years at this point, suddenly stops. She becomes extremely mellow. Almost where you'd suspect she was on medication. We know she's seen different therapists on and off, but mostly for everyday issues, not specifically to control her temper.
So the good news is her angry rages end, but she completely detaches from the oldest child. Or so it seems. Almost acts as though the oldest child isn't her's. Doesn't talk about her in conversations where shed be a relevant topic, doesn't really consider her in general. Aquaintances the mom had for years while the oldest was in college were shocked to learn she even had an "older child".
Around the same time the mood swings end, the mom puts everything into the youngest child, ie her wish is the mother's command. The blessing here is that both children get along great with eachother and there is no jealousy or resentment between them. The youngest remembers very little of the mom's rants since they ended when she was still a young kid. The dad also somewhat favors the youngest, but not to the extent the mom does. The mom lives to serve the youngest and totally disregards the oldest. ANything she may do or give the oldest (who is completely financially independant after college and married) she considers to be immense, and anything she gives to the youngest in "deserved" and never enough.
In addition to detaching herself from the oldest, the mom expects the world from the oldest. If the mom has a problem, she expects the oldest to solve it. The mom does nothing to emotionally support the oldest, but expects the oldest to emotionally support her, be there for her, and greatly depends on her. It's almost as though the oldest is the mother, and the mother is the child, in this dynamic. However, it is the youngest the mother always considers and takes care of, she does nothing to show any love or apprecation to the oldest.
Furthermore, the mom will randomly get angry with the oldest and not speak to her for no reason. Almost where you think the mom is delusional or mental.
The parents are happily married, with no scandles in the marriage. The dad is somewhat oblivious and unaware of how the mom treats the daughter. However, is very protective of both children with the mother if either kid brings a grievance to his attention. I.E. if the oldest were to complain about the mother to the father, he would support the daugther. The oldest maintains a somewhat formal relationship with the mom, and is happily married with her own family. THe youngest is away in college.
in my own experience as a child who was treated much like the older child by my father....i think guilt has a lot to do with it. the mother is guilty and ashamed of the way she was with the older child and knows the older child remembers all of it so she distances herself and resents that child.
Yeah, I agree hormones area big factor. Then birth order
as well. It seems more is expected from the eldest for some
reason, alot of books written on birth order.
Scarmig: So you think the second pregnancy through her brain for a loop? And then menopause mellowed her. The timing of her mood changes is actually right on point with what youre saying. When she began to mellow out, when her oldest was mid highschool, she was entering menopause. I must also say that there is definately some mild forms of delusional thinking on the mom's part which would indicate brain "rewiring" . Like, how she gets mad at the oldest now for no reason, and she also appears to really believe she is an excellent + perfect mother. Her recounts of history are totally off when she talks about it as well
Wisonmom3: I agree with that possible explanation. It's as if the oldest was the only witness to her "crime" and she can pretend to be the doting mom with the youngest much easier than with the oldest. She's also extremely and sweetly affectionate with the youngest, almost as though the youngest is still a baby. But never even hugs the oldest.
sounds like she needs to see a phyciatrist and get herself straightened out . Mommy dearest comes to mind and the viciousness that she has done . I think this mom needs alot of help and I hope these children dont get too screwed up cause of her . god someone needs to get this woman help immediately .
CD is acting weird for me this morning so I hope this goes through.
Hormonal shifts can cause changes in brain chemistry. Some women are sensitive to shifts at times such as: pregnancy, the post-partum period, from birth control (as in the Depo-Provera injection), at peri-menopause/menopause.
Those changes can affect mood and behavior, and can persist beyond the time the hormones shift back to normal levels.
This may be the reason. Medication may help, and sadly, if it does, she will realize how much time she has lost due to her mood/behavioral problems. But, at least she will have a chance to work on rebuilding relationships.
Scarmig: So you think the second pregnancy through her brain for a loop? And then menopause mellowed her. The timing of her mood changes is actually right on point with what youre saying. When she began to mellow out, when her oldest was mid highschool, she was entering menopause. I must also say that there is definately some mild forms of delusional thinking on the mom's part which would indicate brain "rewiring" . Like, how she gets mad at the oldest now for no reason, and she also appears to really believe she is an excellent + perfect mother. Her recounts of history are totally off when she talks about it as well
Yup. Seen it. Lived it. People *are* chemical chain reactions. Major disruptions or changes to those reactions change the person. Approximate ages 7, age 14, age 21, pregnancy, menopause are all major changes in human development that alter our chemistry and define who we are for that period of our lives.
I think it is not inconsequential that it takes about seven years for the body to replace every cell of itself, and major chemical rewirings happen approximately every seven years (especially in youth). There are tools to cope, the most important ones being understanding and awareness.
Aylalou: Interesting idea!!! The mom actually had a very strained relationship with he very wealthy, entrepreneur grandmother who favored her other grandchildren when the mom was growing up. It's interesting also because the mom recounts the pain the grandmother caused her by showing favortism to the others, yet totally repeats the painful patter with her own children.
The mom has always affectionately remarks about similiar personality traits her oldest and her grandmother had.. saying they were both oppinionated, strong, and not ones to succumb to peer pressures, very principled, hardworking and independant. Never ones to be victimized, always confident, etc. And although it appears she admired her grandmother's qualities, they actually had a very painful relationship that ended in estrangement shortly after the mom gave birth to her second child.
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