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I don't have a parenting issue (at the moment anyway), but, I have an issue with a parent. I am married and have 3 great, (under 8) kids. My husband's family consists of his mom and his sister and that's it. They have a reputation of not being the friendliest people and are complete social morons.
After putting up with my husband's very loud and critical sister for 10 years, I finally stood up to her about a year ago and "blew up" at one of her tirade's and personal attacks on me. My husband actually encouraged me for a while to tell her off. I do this and my husband consoles her! He stayed with her that evening! I can't even begin to describe the hurt I felt. It's a year later and I still haven't spoken to his sister, my husband has no clue as to how hurtful that experience was and we don't really talk about it.
His mom has been staying with us this week and she literally sits in a chair at our kitchen table and stairs. She does not speak to me. I try to have conversation with her and I only get one-word answers and a giggle. She hardly interacts with the kids. But, when my husband walks in the room she's chatty and nicer to me. She clearly does not like me either.
I'm a nice person and not judgemental or critical. I'm a people pleaser and can't think of that many people in my past who have dis-liked me, so this is very hard.
The hardest part, though, is trying to get my husband to understand this. He doesn't understand how hard this is for me and doesn't understand why I need him to support me. I don't want him to choose, but, maybe they wouldn't be so mean if he supported me more in front of them, right?
Time for counseling. If it is difficult and painfull as it must be for your husband to understand you and support you then you have a problem. Is he a mama's boy? It doesn't appear he is on your side. He needs a jolt or some way of understanding the impact this has to on you.
For your husband to colsole his sister and stay with her that evening is a pretty clear message to you - your feelings don't count. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. It is inexcusable for him to do this and turn his back on you.
His mother clearly feels she has an ace up her sleeve, because she knows (or believes) her son is on her side not yours. You will have to make a much stronger stand. I would guess that he feels like he is trapped in the middle, BUT he married you and your needs come first in his life. Good luck to you!!
Excellent advice. Couldn't of said it better myself. It sounds like your husband has issues with letting go of his family and "cleaving" unto his wife and family. It is pretty clear that he is putting his families emotions over yours. Does he want to be married to his family or to you? Marriage isn't always roses. Sometimes things don't always go the way you want them too. Everyobody loves everybody else and all the in laws get along fantastic; just doesn't happen. Sounds like he needs to grow up and decide what he really wants in life. Don't mean to be too harsh but sometimes you just can't have your cake and eat it too! I wish you all the best. Keep us posted on how it pans out.
I don't know any women who haven't had a run in with either a mother-in-law or a sister-in-law.
My husband used to support me in private but then would don the "family balls" when they were around.
Just after I had my first son I went into heart failure from the pregnancy and almost died. Now I'm 5 days post partum, in heart failure, and away from my newborn in the hospital. Well the hospital said my husband could bring the baby up to see me...I was so happy. But I was also irritable and tired so I told him to come by himself with the baby. Well his sister decided that was nonsense and she should come to help him with the baby, because evidently the hospital full of hundreds of staff and the child's mother was not enough help for my husband...arrrgh! I saw her, was in no mood and yelled at my husband to get her out of the room and away from me (not in front of her but she heard me from the hallway, I was a little loud). She called EVERYONE in the family and told them I was abusive to my husband, that he should never have married me, and then fabricated stories to support this. All of this of course got right back to me. Although at the time it was horrible, it made him see what I had been dealing with for 4 years...and he told her to apologize or he was done with her. Now I didn't want their relationship to end...but you can't know how good it was to see him stand up for me with his family finally! They haven't spoken since, which is sad...but at least I know he's with me.
You need to get your husband to understand that although that is his family he married you, he chose you, you are his family...the one who he lives with and has kids with. End of story. Go to counseling if you need to, but be sure he knows if they don't respect you you won't be having them at YOUR house any longer and he can pursue a relationship with them on his own without you or your children. Because if someone doesn't respect and treat mommy well, then they don't get access to mommy's kids.
I know a lot of people will disagree with this, but I've had a lot of hurt in my life. I refuse to allow people in my life that hurt me and keep hurting me because 1)it's just not healthy for you and 2)by not standing your ground and demanding they treat you well you are giving them permission to treat you bad, and I won't do that. You may want to mention to your husband that by not standing up for you and being a united force with them he is in turn giving his permission for them to treat you badly also. Hang in there, I hope it works out for you.
I don't have a parenting issue (at the moment anyway), but, I have an issue with a parent. I am married and have 3 great, (under 8) kids. My husband's family consists of his mom and his sister and that's it. They have a reputation of not being the friendliest people and are complete social morons.
After putting up with my husband's very loud and critical sister for 10 years, I finally stood up to her about a year ago and "blew up" at one of her tirade's and personal attacks on me. My husband actually encouraged me for a while to tell her off. I do this and my husband consoles her! He stayed with her that evening! I can't even begin to describe the hurt I felt. It's a year later and I still haven't spoken to his sister, my husband has no clue as to how hurtful that experience was and we don't really talk about it.
His mom has been staying with us this week and she literally sits in a chair at our kitchen table and stairs. She does not speak to me. I try to have conversation with her and I only get one-word answers and a giggle. She hardly interacts with the kids. But, when my husband walks in the room she's chatty and nicer to me. She clearly does not like me either.
I'm a nice person and not judgemental or critical. I'm a people pleaser and can't think of that many people in my past who have dis-liked me, so this is very hard.
The hardest part, though, is trying to get my husband to understand this. He doesn't understand how hard this is for me and doesn't understand why I need him to support me. I don't want him to choose, but, maybe they wouldn't be so mean if he supported me more in front of them, right?
Odd situation - but problems with in-laws are universal.
Your situation sounds pretty awful, among the worst I've heard. It is time for you to have a one on one with your husband (perhaps multiple, perhaps with a counciler), to discuss all these thoughts and experiences. If he is unwilling to see your point of view AND act according to what you both decide on, then you have a very touch decision to make. Either put up with his behavior and that of your inlaws, or don't. The only way you will do the latter is by leaving the relationship. This is harsh, but if you want change, this is how it will have to be enacted.
There is only one other possibility I would like you to seriously think about. Perhaps you want to be the victim here, and are either looking for things to get upset about regarding your inlaws, and/or you are creating the situations. I only mention this because I have seen this first hand, a kind of expectation leading to self-fulfilling prophecy situation. I know a woman who expected to have problems with her inlaws, just expected them because of what she was told and because of her own mother's jealousy of them. It took a lot of positive interactions and a couple years for her to finally realize how cool her inlaws really were. I'm just throwing this out there, because if there's the remotest possibility that your inlaws aren't as bad as the picture you've painted, then your situation isn't as bad as you think.
I appreciate all the input. My husband has ALWAYS put his mom and sister's emotional needs first. He has even said he does it because he feels sorry for them. They really are different. His mom has no emotional ties to him or the grandkids. His sister is constantly putting him (and me) down and all he can do is ignore it or make excuses and talk about how great they are.
Example: I'm on bed rest in the hospital with my second daughter. We have a 2 yr. old at home. My husband, at the time, had a very stressful job with timelines, etc. My parents were there all the time, helping as much as they could. His mom never once called or visited me in the hospital and worse than that, she didn't offer to help her son with the baby, offer to cook dinner for them, give him time off, etc. I would call my husband at his office at 2 am and he would have our 2 yr. old asleep on the sofa in his office. But, still, according to him, she's the sweetest lady ever.
Example:
His sister calls me and tells me that her daughter wants to shopping for school clothes with me. I said o.k. I liked spending time with them and they spent many nights at my home. She precedes to tell me all the things her daughter needs, books, clothes, etc. I say O.K. assuming she was going to send her with money as well. She dropped her off with a list of items and no money and expected me to buy it. We're not Mr. and Mrs. Rich and she knew that. She does stuff like this and and makes comments like, "you guys never have the right tissues in your bathroom", etc etc. I could go on and on.
My husband still supports her over me.
You are right, we need counseling because I can't get over hurt I feel over this.
And, trust me when I tell you that I am not playing the victim here and do not enjoy this drama and would prefer to have in-laws that are at least cordial to me or a husband that can at least support me in front of them.
Thanks for the comments and for letting me vent.
It feels good.
I have had some real big issues with the mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the last 25 married years. I can honestly say, the only thing that has made our marriage make 25 years is because I ahve his support and he sees the issues the same as me. If he didn't support me and was on their side, I would definitely ended up in divorce court.
Now they not only treat me with disrespect, but have moved on to my poor sweet girls, making snide and crule comments. Of course never in the presence of my husband.
Your husband should be the one standing up to your MIL and SIL, not you. It's a simple as this: If you do not treat my wife and the mother of your grandchildren with respect, you will not be involved in our lives. My husband had to do it with his mom, and we had a few bumps afterward, but now we get along a lot better. Even when my husband's not looking!
It sounds like your husband isn't motivated to do this, however, so you have a much harder road to walk. I don't suggest manipulating him or nagging, because this will only make things worse. Counseling is a good idea. For my cousin's wife, she finally convinced my cousin to move across the country. Their marriage has improved a hundred times. Sometimes you just need to get away from these negative influences.
I just ran across this thread. Boy, does your husband need to seriously grow a pair and back you up. You need to have a SERIOUS sit down with him, that he needs to choose;
A) His wife's side, or
B) Enemy camp
I had a big fight with my husbands dad and it took 6 years before I would talk to him. Their family is not able to communicate at all and I got tired of trying to fix their relationships. I had to step back and let them come to their senses. We didn't live in the same city though so that made it much easier.
I also can't stand his sister. She never thought I was good enough for her brother. If you hear us talking you would think we were the best of friends!
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I wish you all the best. Keep us posted on how it pans out.
