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Just looking for some opinions here. I have a son who turned 18 a few months ago. The years 13-17 were a nightmare. There were numerous criminal/school issues. We've been through diversion, juvenile probation, lawyers, juvenile hall with him. As a result of all the messing around that he did he couldn't graduate high school on time so is still there (still there after having been convinced that finishing high school at all would be a good achievement).
So he's still living at home with us, attending school. We told him that this is fine and that we are happy for him to stay so long as he attends school every day, abides by our rules, does household chores and accepts that we still have the right to set consequences if we feel we need to (although we are really working on concepts of independence, accountability and responsibility).
We have also told him that since he is now 18 he can take care of himself if he gets into anymore legal trouble. We told him that if he is arrested and he calls us then we will give him the number of the lawyer that we have used in the past and wish him luck. We told him that we won't put money up for a bond and we won't pay for any more lawyers. We told him that if he is arrested he is completely responsible for organizing his own legal representation and payment. And he can find a ride when he gets released from jail too. We will support him emotionally but if he gets himself into trouble he can get himself out of it too.
We've been having a couple of discussions/arguments about this recently. He decided that we are being unreasonable in treating him like a 16/17 year old at home (because he's oh so grown up now...) when we expect him to act like an adult out there in the world. He doesn't think it's fair that he would have no support from us if he got into trouble but then he'd come home and "get spanked" (in his words, he's of course exaggerating on the spanking but you get the point).
So essentially he wants more freedom at home...And the ability to call for help from mom and dad (the best of both worlds huh?). But he doesn't like our suggestion that he become our roommate and pay rent, and feed himself, and label his food in the fridge.
Do you think it's so hypocritical or unreasonable to have these expectations?
No. Why does he say these things.. It sounds as if he means to get into trouble. My father told one of my brothers (teenager at the time) who was getting arrested once a month the same thing. My brother was living at home as well.
He then turned to my Uncle that gave him two trys and then told him "you are on your own". Guess what, he hasn't been arrested since and he is in his 40s now.
Just explain to him that you are giving him a roof over his head, the doing chores is something that is expected of everyone and the "following rules" is in exchange for him living there.
The get out of jail free card is something you wouldn't give to him even if he were out on his own. Tell him that treating him like a child would be going with him to every event or dropping him off and picking him up etc and that way you know he wouldn't get into trouble and wind up in jail. As you let him be responsible and go out on his own, he is responsible for the trouble he gets into.
It's important he respects your authority within the household.. if you're the one paying for his medical bills, food, education, and shelter he should provide the respect you deserve. If he gets into further legal trouble you cannot assume responsibility for them. He lives his life making choices on his own, and should be able to face them as it his responsibility as an adult.
You're not making a bad move at all, your rules seem very fair and easy to follow. By the way I'm 18 as well, so you can take it from me when I say those rules seem very just and fair.
how exactly would it be hypocritical? Does he understand what the word means?
Oh, I felt he was taking things a bit far with the hypocrite part aswell. He may have redefined it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1984vt
No. Why does he say these things.. It sounds as if he means to get into trouble.
It has all come out of a single situation that happened. And him complaining about being an adult but not being treated like one. I don't think that he means to get into trouble in the future - and he would always claim to have never meant it in the past, "it just happened", or "it's not like I planned it". (others might point to a lack of sensible decision making...) Focusing on the jail/legal part was just a part of his analogy. Rather than a concern that he's teetering on the edge of being arrested.
Oh, I felt he was taking things a bit far with the hypocrite part aswell. He may have redefined it.
It has all come out of a single situation that happened. And him complaining about being an adult but not being treated like one. I don't think that he means to get into trouble in the future - and he would always claim to have never meant it in the past, "it just happened", or "it's not like I planned it". (others might point to a lack of sensible decision making...) Focusing on the jail/legal part was just a part of his analogy. Rather than a concern that he's teetering on the edge of being arrested.
I'm sure he most likely didn't plan to get in trouble...who does really? But to continue to not take responsiblity for his actions in the past show more than just a "lack of sensible decision making" IMO....seems like there is a serious lack of understanding that he is responsible for himself. Things that end up with being on the edge of being arrested (or worse) don't generally "just happen"....Which just just brings it full circle to his current complaint. He doesn't understand his part in being responsible for his life. If he can't yet grasp that he is responsible for his past, he's not likely going to grasp that he is responsible for his future. Good luck and hope that understanding comes soon.
Last edited by maciesmom; 09-23-2009 at 10:08 PM..
But to continue to not take responsiblity for his actions in the past show more than just a "lack of sensible decision making" IMO....seems like there is a serious lack of understanding that he is responsible for himself
Sorry, I meant that in the past he was claiming that things "just happened". He came to understand that he deserved to be punished for his actions and he was responsible for the things that happened (even if some of them were things that he hadn't intended to do or things that accelerated out of his control). If he were to get in any more trouble I believe that he would be capable of taking responsibility for that in the sense of justice and sentencing (even if he'd really like some assitance in bonding out of jail). That idea of financial responsibility is something we're working on now though.
He is much better these days. Life is a lot calmer. He has a lot more awareness, and really has worked hard on bettering himself. It was just a small event that kicked these arguments off.
Being mom, I do of course worry that there may come a point where he is impulsive or has a moment of recklessness.
Actually, I think you should do more. Like treat him like the adult he purports to be. To be an adult means paying rent and paying for personal needs. That could be in cash, chores, or a combination of them.
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) when we expect him to act like an adult out there in the world. He doesn't think it's fair that he would have no support from us if he got into trouble but then he'd come home and "get spanked" (in his words, he's of course exaggerating on the spanking 
but you get the point).
