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A bit of a digression on my part, but I think that the assumption above is completely wrong. No one is so strong that he can't be overcome by a number of smaller people.
There is a hypothesis that an even temper has become linked to the genes for large stature over time. Why? A big, strong, volatile a-hole is dangerous to himself. Even in today's world of police and protection by law, people with hyper-aggressive traits do not enjoy the longevity that good citizens do. "Police and protection by law" are necessary constructs in a civilization and they function to secure the population-at-large. They do not perform as well at protecting individuals from instances of spot aggression or torment that is difficult to prove or enforce punishment for. Luckily, for a child that is being bullied, a swift kick to a bully's groin is difficult to prove or enforce punishment for as well.
I think "police and protection by law" was mainly developed by a number of smaller people to protect themselves. I'm sure there are many situations where you have to protect yourself without any help but it has to be an exception to the rule.
Certainly, I don't want to carry a gun all the time to protect myself.
My child had taken karate for 2 years prior to kindergarten and they always taught the children not to use what they learnt on others. My daughter was abused by a boy in kindergarten for months. She would come home and complain. I complain to the teacher, principal and the boy's mother. I even waited patiently at the class door to speak with him and his mother. She kept telling me that her son does not hit my daughter. I pulled little Johnny from the class one day and asked him in front of his mother, "do you hit my daughter", he stated, "he does". From that point, I called my child out from class in front of this boy and his mother and told her, karate kick Johnny if he hit her and use the skills that I was paying for. We had no more trouble out of little Johnny anymore. To me, its outrageous that we pay to teach our children how to protect themselves, than tell them to not to use the skills. I know its a two-sided coin, to hit or not to hit. I believe in hitting back.
Looking at my own personal experiences I'm firmly in the "hit back" crowd
School yards can be pretty tough. I was a unique case in that my profile didn't fit any one group that would be targeted for taunting, but had enough characteristics of many groups that I could be targeted from all over, but all backed by all over.
I was the smart kid with a speech impediment. I was athletic and active, but not friendly with the jocks. I was friendly with the "troublemakers", but didn't actively partake in their issues.
I've been on both ends of this coin as someone who has picked on others and has also been picked on. At one point I was probably in a physical confrontation at least weekly.
In the end I developed the realization that constant violence doesn't usually solve much and is usually done out of insecurity, pride or frustration.
It's well beyond what a 6 year old can comprehend, but definitely start the path to understanding the difference between self defense and just acting out.
The good news is that while kids of that age are learning how to conduct themselves, the consequences are pretty slim in the grand scheme of things.
If this is just a single kid who is causing trouble and your kid is not being teased by the population at large, then work the channels. Tell your kid the things you are doing to defend them and how they can work with the system while letting him know that if he ever feels he's at risk to the point where he cannot get help then definitely fight back.
E-mails are great as they provide a written trail of documentation. Alert the school to this student. Ask what is being done and what you can do. If the issue doesn't resolve send another e-mail stating that you are following the steps they asked you to do and the situation is not getting better and you are starting to question their ability to keep a safe environment for your kid and you are afraid that things could boil over given the emotions of children. If it happens again, then have your kid defend himself, school ground or not and let the consequences be what they may. If the school gets heavy handed threaten them back with action for their liability.
The honest answer is that it's complicated and pending on the whole circumstances the response will change. If your kid is being bullied by multiple people than it could be wise to deliver a beating to one in a place where the other bullies will see it.
Also, sometimes when you defend yourself things don't work out so nicely. An advantage in a controlled environment could lead to your kid getting jumped by the bully and a couple buddies on the playground as he enacts his revenge.
I wish him the best of luck and it sounds like you are doing the right things. I would focus on prevention, guidance to when there is actual danger and then risk/reward with consequences.
And I did say that. But the teacher said if he gets hit he has to find a teacher and tell them. I said my son has a right not to be abused and I will not tell him that he shouldn't hit back because that is just not real world.
I'd tell the principal straight up "if your teachers and/or recess supervisors can't keep up-to stuff and keep other kids from repeatedly hitting mine and do their jobs to a decent level, my kid obviously should have the right to defend himself".
This should be obvious...if an adult is hit multiple times he/she has those same rights...it's basic self defense. Also mention, it's been proven in studies that bullies most often PICK ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T FIGHT BACK and ignoring them very often only results in more fights.
It would have been another thing if he/your-kid started the fight, but he obviously did not. If the principal won't budge, report her to the Better Business Bureau or government as leading a "school that allows bullying".
I think that you should be honest with your son. Tell him that you believe people have the right to defend themselves, and that *you* support his self-defense, and that you will support him even if his teachers do not. Clarify though, that even though you support him, there may still be consequences at school he may face.
And that's okay.
Exactly!
We follow the same rules my parents sat for me.
Don't be the one to ever start a fight, but you better try and defend yourself.
I think I'd be hitting the principal for not acting accordingly. The kid has issues and it seems all knew but they let it slide..
There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.
He didn't hit a girl or throw the first punch. He defended himself. I do agree that the school has to stick to the rules so go over them with him.
I'd be proud ...not that I would ever enjoy my kid being in that situation but gives you confidence that your kid can hold his own.
So, I have a 6 year old in public school Kindergarten. There is one boy in there who has major issues. Always hitting, spitting in other kids faces etc. Probably needs an aide with him but that hasn't happened yet. Today at drop off for school this kid comes up to my son and hits him. (I wasn't there but it was described by other parents and the rest by his teacher who was outside also.) My son hit him right back. The other kid grabbed my kid's hair and kicked him. According to the teacher - my son went crazy and started punching him in the stomach until he let go and then they had to pull them apart.
The teacher gave them both the "no hitting lecture" and sent the other kid to the principal. At pick-up the teacher came to talk to me to tell me what happened. She said when she told my son no hitting, he said "my Mom told me if someone hits me I should hit them back." (Kinda wish he had kept that to himself - lol.) And I did say that. But the teacher said if he gets hit he has to find a teacher and tell them. I said my son has a right not to be abused and I will not tell him that he shouldn't hit back because that is just not real world. I feel like he needs to stand up for himself and put a stop to that BS now or it can go on for years. The teacher said if this happens again she will send him to the principal as well.
What do you think? Should I be telling him two wrongs don't make a right and all that good stuff? Or just back him up in the Principal's office?
Be proactive and demand to see the principal.Explain your son was being abused while under his care.No one protected him.He was forced to defend himself.Then get him in some karate classes.You and the class reinforce not to be a bully or hit first.Bullies don't pick on kids who can defend themselves.
My son went through the same.Then one day he came home beaming.I asked why he was so happy.He declared,..."i kicked the "stuffing" out of that "butt opening" Dad.I said,..."very good,you didn't start it but you finished it,....and don't use those words okay".
Sounds to me like the kid who has some serious issues needs to be dealt with separately.
Is the principal aware of this kid? What does the teacher say about this kid? Why is this kid still in the class? Or school?
His behavior sounds entirely unacceptable.
It also sounds like your son did a good job of defending himself, although I understand why you are a bit confused about the whole situation.
I don't think you should feel that you need to defend your parenting choices here. Your son was targeted by this kid, randomly, it sounds like. Self defense is an good trait for your kids to have.
It's this hitting and spitting kid that is the real problem. That child clearly has no sense of respect for others, and the teacher needs to get on that kid about it, or the Principal needs to bounce that kid out of the school.
Although I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts, here is why it doesn't happen.
Nowadays the school systems with their ridiculous budget cuts, a child is no longer a mind to mold, but a #. The more people in their schools, the more funding they get from the state. I talked to a former teacher about this and he told me that they are explained that they get x amount for a kid, and need to do everything they can to NOT expell someone because this means that there is x amount less in their budget if they do...
Although its messed up, it is the truth of what goes on. Coming from a 28 year old male that has no kids, (but a nephew that I advise on and hope to have children in the near future) I would high five my child for defending himself/herself.
I remember the last day of 4th grade like it was but yesterday... Some jerks were being jerks, and rather than be disrespectful (as they were 8th graders) I turned my back and started to walk away. I heard Bucky! Bucky! Bucky! (it was some 5th grader Douche, probably 5-6 inches taller than me, named Brian and that was his nickname) being chanted behind me, was quickly put into a full nelson and thrown onto the ground, right to the corner of a curb. I lifted myself up, wiped my face of dirt and sand, and popped him so hard he went DOWN!!! The punk had a shiner about 4-5 inches in diameter, it was a sight for sore eyes (no pun intended!) Although I got warned that I COULD be suspended (being in a catholic school) as I had no prior issues I was let go scot free. My mother scolded me, and when my mom told my dad, he did the same, but then pulled me aside, and said WAY TO GO, Son! NEXT TIME, HIT HIM IN BOTH EYES!!!
This is EXACTLY how I intend to raise my son/daughter when I am blessed with the opportunity to do so. Initiating like a bully is wrong, but I learned that day that if you don't stand up for yourself, chances are no one else will, and they will become relentless.
Bullies prey on the weak. They do not bank on someone fighting back. I would expect kids to have the support of their parents to fight back.
Kids today are talked to death. Adults expect them to understand and have the ability to use only words instead of taking any kind of action, but the truth is, kids don't have the vocabulary adults do. They don't have the mental resources adults do. They need to be able to fight back.
Funny how school administrators are bullies themselves. They use "your permanent record" as a bullying tool (There's nothing 'permanent' about it, and who cares anyway?). They use various punishments as bullying tools. They have kids scared half to death of confrontation, because it's always the administration (or the bully) who wins, right or wrong.
Kids should always understand that as long as Mom and Dad are on their side, they are good to go.
It's been a couple of months since I stated this thread and thought I would update. The kid that hit my son continues to be an issue at school. He still hits and is unruly but (and here is the kicker) not to my son at all. He totally stays away from my son and although I am sorely disappointed at the school for allowing this crap to continue, I am happy my son is being left alone.
Thanks to all for your posts!
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