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You said this is your first... Your daughter is getting good grades and lost a father who abandoned her when she was younger. Therefore, there is no coming to terms with him, hashing it out, getting answers from him. Did you TRY counselling before putting her on medication? If not, I'm mortified. Have you done research on these meds? OMG being a teenager can be awful....and hard. Putting her on medication is NOT going to teach her to deal with this stuff. What you are showing her is that DRUGS are the answer to life's problems. I know this sounds harsh, but dang mom. She shouldn't be getting texts from you constantly and if you're talking about her being at her BF's (boyfriend?) house all the time...and she's 17, that could be a real problem. If you're talking about her BF (best friend's) house, that's a different issue. Sorry, old fashioned mom here, but I believe that there should be a limit to how much time a 17 y.o. junior should be spending with the boyfriend. You should obviously be concerned with her college applications, financial aid, scholarships, etc., but so many kids that age just want that ONE MORE YEAR of being a kid. For so many young people out there, it's a nightmare.....you have, on one hand the "RIGHT ON! I've only got one more year of this school crap to deal with."...on the other hand.."OMG...I get the summer off and then I have to sit in those frickin classes again!!" Let her breath a little bit, she's doing great on her grades, she's not doing drugs? Running rampant at all hours of the night? Relax! It sounds like you've got a good kid....let her know that....and that she's good enough! You're pressuring her all the time could be setting up some real insecurities...like she'll never be good enough. It's a fine line we walk as parents, be careful...and RELAX! I have to say....again though....going for a quick fix with those drugs....ugh...sorry mom, bad choice. Don't fall for that crap! She needs to be able to talk to someone with intelligent suggestions and a good ear. It doesn't sound like you have a kid that needs to be drugged.
Back on the texting....my kids and I text, but....they are generally purposeful texts, e.g. I'm going to John's/Jill's, be home at 5. When are you coming home? I LUV U! just to let them know I'm thinking of them...it makes their day. Any real in depth conversations are generally done face to face OR if there's tension and we don't trust our emotions (RARELY), we email each other.
P.S. It might just be me here....but you know, texting her while she's with her friends could be taken just as badly as a young child constantly interrupting adults when they're talking. Just thought you should know. Think about it... Mom, I'm visiting my friends, and we're talking about stuff that's bothering us. Meanwhile, mom keeps interrupting their conversations with her texts! Hey, I've said the same thing to my kids.....If I'm with someone, have company, etc., and they're texting me just because they're bored....I let them know, "Luv U tons..TTYL, K? I have company"!
I don't know....my kids both text me all the time and I text them back....that's pretty typical way to communicate with them at this point. I wouldn't recommend it for serious conversations though but like it or not texting is how this generation communicates. Heck even my mom is texting....
My fingers are big, my eyes are going, and those keys are really tiny. I don't even like talking on the phone, but it's the lesser of two evils, IMO.
Ok so she(17 and a Junior) comes home tonight and is MAD as a hornet- said I text her too much about her grades and going to college which I really haven't done in quite awhile. I do ask about grades even though I can look them up. She is a good student- high B's and Low A's. she told me not to talk to her and to leave her alone, she hates me ..... . I told her that I will talk to her that I am her mother. This hasn't happened in quite awhile- she is on her cycle this week and I think that has alot to do with it but still - I know that she is a teen etc and they go thru this believe me I know but she has been on a good trek lately- I am a single mom- raised her alone since she was 5-dad was uninvolved and died this summer - I don't think his death has anything to do with this- I am the only one she can yell at- so have you been thru this?
also- if you have a teen- how often do you text them- she spends alot of time at the BF's so I text every few hours to check in- she really is a great kid- I texted the BF and asked him- he said I give her anxiety always asking about school and college- is this normal?
For three days you can write off her behavior because of those hormones but don't write off her sense of loss over a parent that died. It's easy to believe that children forget about an uninvolved parent but often these children are suffering quite a lot over that. They fantasize about the parent, they worry for them, and now that he died, there's all that time they will never ever have.
Thanks-she is my 1st so i think it is mostly me trying to let go- we ended up going to the pediatrician today and she wants her to go on some meds for anxiety/depression- so we will get through this- I hope she will come around and decide to talk to me again- she still says she doesn't like me etc....but at least she will be on some meds that hopefully will help her- i don't think my texting is the big problem - i think i am the only one to blame and she is blaming me for her feelings-losing dad etc...
Don't do the meds. She needs to come face to face with her grief for her father. Even if that means some anger at you for a while, yes she will blame you because he wasn't around but let her deal with it straight on, don't deaden her with drugs. Drugs will only keep it suppressed all the longer.
If she goes through a stage of blaming you, accept that but try to help her work through that. She is grieving, she needs to grieve and then heal but drugging her won't help her.
For three days you can write off her behavior because of those hormones but don't write off her sense of loss over a parent that died. It's easy to believe that children forget about an uninvolved parent but often these children are suffering quite a lot over that. They fantasize about the parent, they worry for them, and now that he died, there's all that time they will never ever have.
I told them both after he died that if they wanted someone to talk to that I would send them to someone-
I'd pretty much take her phone... tell her if she doesn't like me texting her fine... she won't get anymore texts from me until she can show me some respect... then lock the phone up. Make her earn her "life line" back. It is your job as a parent to PARENT and part of that is asking about her grades, goals, what is going on in her life. If she can't handle it due to anxiety perhaps she needs to talk to her doctor. But the phone would be mine.
----do this as a starter and hang on--it's gonna be a rough ride and do NOT cave
I told them both after he died that if they wanted someone to talk to that I would send them to someone-
Did you ever consider having a heart to heart with them yourself? Talk about your feelings, your difficulties? Sometimes the kids don't really see it from the responsible parent's point of view or they only see the indifference or even hate so they keep a kind of pity for the "abandoned parent". Sometimes the "good" parent should lay out most of the cards and let the children hear how it was once good times, or that people sometimes change on you. She's almost an adult now and maybe needs to hear it from your point of view. The good with the bad.
Also - you might let her know your grieving over him was in the past - that there was a side of him that you saw that made you fall in love but other things happened and you fell out of love, but that you also grieved at one time. Grieving over someone is okay. She needs to face her grief, the grief she had all her life because of his indifference.
Don't forget that crying can be cathartic, the purging of emotions, emotions she may has hidden for years.
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----do this as a starter and hang on--it's gonna be a rough ride and do NOT cave
