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I am recently married and have a 9 month old son. I stay at home to take care of him and my husband sells software when he can, and goes to law school. His company has not been selling software for several months now, and we mostly live off his savings so basically school is his only responsibility right now.
My question is: Is it wrong for me to expect him to take care of his son a few hours out the week and some weekends? He has given me no help AT ALL. I'm not asking for much. Just an hour or two for myself. We moved away from any family and I have absolutely no help. He expects me to be June Cleaver and believes the woman should take care of the kids. I also have an older son to take care of as well.
I'm so exhausted. I'm mostly writing this for emotional support. If anyone has been in the same situation. I take care of the baby 24/7, and clean up after 4 people. Before I had my second son I worked in the government for 8 years full-time. Now I just stay at home and he feels since he pays bills that is enough. Sometimes I feel that if I worked, at least I would get a break from the baby. But if I worked, what do I need him for?
Did you not discuss expectations for both of you prior to marriage and children? Have you discussed it to date? It doesn't sound unreasonable to me but it seems odd that the two of you seem to be on completely different pages. You'd do well to sit down and figure it out - the sooner the better.
I hate to tell you this but he will probably not change. This is something which should have been discussed before kids came. Too many times we women think things will change after we get married but what you see is what you get.
If he can't see clear to care for his own child now I don't think anything you say will change him.
I see the problem as "help me". He thinks these are all your responsibility and it sounds like you think so too. Until he sees this marriage and parenthood as a cooperative between you both and you stop seeing it as a problem where he needs to help you and he is doing you a favor, it will be hard to make progress. Somehow you must try to get him to see that your home, marriage and parenthood are something you created together, both have a vested interest in success and something you both must give to the entities of marriage, parenthood and not that he is helping you with your responsibility.
Am I making sense?
I have been married 34 years and from the get go DH knew we had created something together and we both had responsibilities to meet for our success. If need be I would cut the grass, rake leaves, have car serviced and never looked on it as helping him. While most of our marriage fell and falls along traditional lines( my staying home with kids) he still would try to take over when he got home from work so I could have a bit of time to myself before I got dinner. And I refused to let him give me vacuums, mixers and cookware as gifts to me when we both knew these were home necessities.
When he had to work at the office on weekends -mainly busy work without alot of concentration required, he would take the kids with backpacks full of lunch, toys, etc and let them play under the desks while he did his work. they loved it, he got his work done and i had a few hours to myself.
You gotta train your man right. it may not be too late but don't approach him to help you. train him to want to make a full contribution to your marriage.
I know graduate school takes alot of work but if he was willing to marry and make babies, he has to be willing to do the work that is necessary. he probably isn't aware of how much work it is to stay home, care for kids and home. perhaps you could arrange for a family "emergency" which will take you away for a day or two so he can have full responsibility and see just how hard you work.
I would just find a Mom's Day Out once or twice a week if you need a break. I'll refrain from the long reason as to why, but this is what I would do. I would not do it with resentment, but as a positive decision that meets the needs of both parents for now.
Sometimes I feel that if I worked, at least I would get a break from the baby. But if I worked, what do I need him for?
I can so relate to these last two sentences!
I was so exhausted during the first few months after my first was born, I started to look forward to my maternity leave ending so I could just have a few minutes alone to go to the bathroom or eat a quick meal. Just a few minutes. That's all I wanted. Then again, I was a crazy first mom and I'd take the baby into the bathroom in the little carrier while I was taking a shower----thinking that I couldn't let a baby cry for a mere minute. I was my own worse enemy. That's for sure. Regardless, I can totally relate to feeling like work would be a relief of sorts.
As for relating to your second sentence, I got to a point where I thought, "I might as well be alone since I'm doing it all on my own." That wasn't just household responsibilities but financially too. I left him. Best decision I ever made. But there were other legitimate reasons I'd rather not share here. Don't get me wrong. I'm not encouraging you to leave your husband. I just wanted to validate that you're having normal feelings.
The first thing that came to my mind when reading your post was the empowerment you'll feel if you return to work even part time. Earning some money levels the playing field at home when a spouse is calling all the shots due to having the financial power. Only you will know when the time is right for you to return to work.
That said, law school is demanding. But I sense from your post that his attitude doesn't have anything to do with his feeling overwhelmed with studies.
I am recently married and have a 9 month old son. I stay at home to take care of him and my husband sells software when he can, and goes to law school. His company has not been selling software for several months now, and we mostly live off his savings so basically school is his only responsibility right now.
My question is: Is it wrong for me to expect him to take care of his son a few hours out the week and some weekends? He has given me no help AT ALL. I'm not asking for much. Just an hour or two for myself. We moved away from any family and I have absolutely no help. He expects me to be June Cleaver and believes the woman should take care of the kids. I also have an older son to take care of as well.
I'm so exhausted. I'm mostly writing this for emotional support. If anyone has been in the same situation. I take care of the baby 24/7, and clean up after 4 people. Before I had my second son I worked in the government for 8 years full-time. Now I just stay at home and he feels since he pays bills that is enough. Sometimes I feel that if I worked, at least I would get a break from the baby. But if I worked, what do I need him for?
The last sentence of your post pretty much says it all about your attitude in this relationship. Apparently, you NEED him for a paycheck. But it would seem that that isn't even enough to make you happy. If you hope to stay married for any length of time, I strongly recommend a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You have a life that probably 10 million women would die for and you aren't happy. Why do I get the impression that there is no way to accomplish that?
I dont think your expectations are unreasonable whatsoever. I think you need to sit him down in a nonconfrontational way and say" I need some time to recharge my batteries in order to be the best Mom I can be. I also want you to spend time and bond with your child. What times during the week sound fair to you in taking over the baby so we both get those?" Go from there. Once you guys can comprimise and plan times where he can take over and give you a break, if you have to until it becomes routine, mark it on the calendar and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! Seriously. If you're not home, he cant push baby on you. Grab a coffee hit the bookstore, anything you want. Just get out. at least for the beginning.
It might also be that he feels uncomfortable being alone with the baby which is completely normal. But that wont change unless he has consistent time with baby. And when he does have baby no matter what you think, do not step in to "help" or "Teach" or anything. A lot of times new dads feel like they can do nothing right when mom, who has had time to bond with baby and catch the cues, steps in and does not allow them to learn, even when they feel they are only helping. In the long run it helps no one.
I have 3 boys, one 6 months now, and my husband and I came up with a schedule that works for both of us. I take night shift until 5am (anyone waking up and needing anything thats my job) so hubby can get uninterrupted sleep. 5am until 8am my husband steps in so I can get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep. He works, I have the kids. After dinner, hubby takes the kids until bedtime so I have an hour break. We put the kids to bed and have a few hours together. Works great.
GL to you and no matter what dont take no for an answer!
Oh also I wanted to add. I saw you say you have no family nearby. I dont know where you live but if you have a local chapter of this moms board The Mommies Network: Your Mom-to-Mom Connection you can see if they have a local chapter nearby that you can join. I moved away fro my family 2 years ago and found a local chapter and it has been a huge help to me, both in getting advice and in making a friend or two nearby who is going through the same stuff I am.
I would just find a Mom's Day Out once or twice a week if you need a break. I'll refrain from the long reason as to why, but this is what I would do. I would not do it with resentment, but as a positive decision that meets the needs of both parents for now.
This is a great start. I have 4 kids and a husband who is in the military and travels a lot. We don't (and won't as long as he is in the military) live near family - which would be his family as mine are gone. Even if he wanted to help me if I were exhausted, sick, overwhelmed, etc...he can't if he's not physically there.
If I were not able to rely on programs like MDO and the nursery at the YMCA when I had a gym membership, I would have had a breakdown a long time ago. Seriously. I have been without that YMCA gym membership and nursery for 3 yrs now and I am painfully aware of how helpful it was to be able to drop the kids off for 90 minutes while I ran my heart out on the treadmill or swam laps.
Its easier to rationally discuss your needs and feelings when you are not on the edge. See what you can find to help you out and then when you are not feeling so desperate, try to work something out.
Last edited by lisdol; 12-17-2009 at 10:03 PM..
Reason: meant to say "not on the edge"
You are not asking too much. He should help. You need to discuss it with him. In addition to a Moms Day Out program, or instead of, you could try a MOMS Club or MOPS group, or a babysitting co-op, if money is an issue. The other moms in the clubs could offer you support, and the co-op would be free babysitting, with you "paying" by watching other kids sometimes. I also recently read/heard (and i have always thought) that having 2 parents who share all the responsibilities is better for the kid than having one who is gone working all the time and one who is home all the time. Maybe if you got a part time job, you two could share more of the responsibilities at home.
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