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Parenting questions, hysterical phone calls from ex wife, cause of divorce, how to rebuild relationships with grown children, emotional time bombs, pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling
I am not sure where to begin and don't want to go on and on. About 6 & a half years ago I met a man who was just splitting with his wife at the time. He had 2 children 13 & 19 and I had a 6 year old son. I liked him but was very leary because he had just left his wife and so intitailly I told him, "let's just get to know eachother and see where things go and I don't want to rush." Unfortunately that is not what happened, before we knew it we were spending so much time togther, it was like we had been best friends all of our lives and we would talk for hours. To make a long story short, his ex wife thought I was the reason for the divorce and told her children that everytime she could, we would get hysterical phone calls and messages on voice mail from the ex wife and the 13 year old daughter, screaming, yelling and name calling for close to a year after he and I got together. After a while the ex-wife moved on to a new man and my boyfriend's daughter and I started to build a relationship and it was good. It took a while but it was worth the effort. What made me feel so good is that she would confide in me & I kept her trust and would to listen and guide her. So we fast forward and now my boyfriend and I got married in Feb 07, 6 years after we first got together, we didn't want to rush & things were fine until the day I sent out the wedding announcements. The day my soon to be, 19 yr old, step daughter recieved the announcement, we immediately got an angry hysterical phone call, screaming and swearing and pleading with us not to get married. We listened and tried to talk to her, we tried to remind her we had been engaged for 2 years and this should be no surprise, but she didn't want to hear it. A week later she called her dad and told him that if he went through with marrying me that he would no longer be her dad and she wouldn't love him anymore. Again he tried to talk to her, telling her that he loved her very much and that he was happy and wanted her to be happy for him as well. Again she didn't want to hear about that. At that point I decided to take a step back and not try to force her to talk to me, it was my hope that she would calm down and come around. Later that month we got married and now almost 4 months later we are dealing with the same issues. She says she hates me and that I am trying to ruin her relationship with her dad and calls me every name possible. She refuses to be anywhere I am and wants nothing to do with me. I am so hurt and frustrated and I just don't know what to do. I keep trying to tell myself that she will get over this and we will be able to re-build our relationship, but she is so resentful and hateful right now it is hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday was my birthday and she had another blow out and last night I found out that she is posting horrible things about me on her myspace page. I am desperate! Please does anyone have some advice?? What do I do? Is there anyway I can help fix any of this?!
To be blunt she sounds like a spoiled little foolish girl whos jealous that all of daddys attention and money wont be aimed at her for the "hard life" she had. I say cut her off and see how long it take for her to calm down and act like and adult, that she is.
Dont take it personally, people are idiots and do stupid things.
To be blunt she sounds like a spoiled little foolish girl whos jealous that all of daddys attention and money wont be aimed at her for the "hard life" she had. I say cut her off and see how long it take for her to calm down and act like and adult, that she is.
Dont take it personally, people are idiots and do stupid things.
I have to agree with this. At 19 even if she really doesn't like you or the fact that you married her father she needs to learn how to respect your relationship with her father. I would be sure to get your husband in agreement with you on what to say to her, but somehow make it clear to her that the behavior is unacceptable and if she continues she won't be welcomed by either of you to participate in your lives. That will slap her into reality pretty quickly.
So was I at that age. My dad and mom split up when I was 18. He started dating a woman and I vowed to hate her for the rest of my life. I wouldn't talk to my dad for a year even though I knew I was hurting him. When we did start talking again I would be very rude to her. When she answered the phone I would say "put dad on!" and then quietly say 'bi tch' hoping she would hear me. I was so mad that my dad was focusing his attention and love on someone else. How dare he not treat me like #1!!!! I was his special girl!!! After acting like an a ss for a year my dad finally had enough. He took me out for a nice supper and said to me "baby, if you can't learn to get along with her then I am sorry but the time we spend together will be much less. You won't be able to call the house. You will stop being rude to her when you call because we are a couple now and that is her home as well."
Needless to say my immature mind didn't like that. I had to go and sulk for a few weeks. Well, over the years I slowly let down my anger wall against her and forced myself to get to know her. (Without letting my mom know!) Now I can honestly say I love her dearly and am so happy for her and my dad. It took growing up for me to accept her.
Unfortunately you are dealing with an emotional time bomb. Your step daughter is going to have to deal with this in her own way and someday she will see how stupid she is being just like I did.
Your new husband needs to sit down with her though and tell her that he will not put up with her posting nasty things about you. He needs to lay down the rules. If she loves him as much as I love my dad it will eventually sink in.
Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply to my message. I have suggested to my husband that we start to treat this in a more "firm" manner, however he is so distraught by her bevhavior and is so desperate to have her fully back in his life, he is not willing to do that. I have recently suggested that we (he and I) go to a counselor to talk to him or her about what has been going on and how to handle this while still being supportive of one another and communicating. At first he said ok, but last night he said that he wasn't doing anything wrong and didn't need to go. The problem with that is that everytime she gets angry and makes her phone calls to him he turns it around and starts to argue with me. We have been together for 6 + years and I see this going down the drain.
Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply to my message. I have suggested to my husband that we start to treat this in a more "firm" manner, however he is so distraught by her bevhavior and is so desperate to have her fully back in his life, he is not willing to do that. I have recently suggested that we (he and I) go to a counselor to talk to him or her about what has been going on and how to handle this while still being supportive of one another and communicating. At first he said ok, but last night he said that he wasn't doing anything wrong and didn't need to go. The problem with that is that everytime she gets angry and makes her phone calls to him he turns it around and starts to argue with me. We have been together for 6 + years and I see this going down the drain.
Well then there is a lot of dicussion needed between you and your husband if he can't see how her behavior is disrupting the relationship you two have together. I wouldn't give up on getting him to go to counseling, maybe even inviting the daughter along also. If not for anything other than to learn how to communicate all these feelings and emotions in a more positive way. If they really won't participate, go yourself that can at times be as helpful to the situation. Good luck.
I think its hard for men to drop "their little angel", I can definately see that. The only times where its acceptable is if your daughter is dependent (under 18 and at school) but if shes living on her own, then she needs a good dose of reality.
and is so desperate to have her fully back in his life,
When I didn't talk to my dad for a year he would come to the gas station where I was working and sit in his car watching me. I knew he was there and knew he hoped I would come over and say hi.
My point is if you husband lets your daughter know how much he wants her in his life regardless of her behavior she will keep him wrapped around her finger for a very long time and you will always be on the outs.
Counseling is a very good idea. Don't give him a choice. Tell him it is for the sake of your marriage and that going to one doesn't make you or him basket cases. What is it with men and counseling? My husband kept saying no to it until I just said "well, I need this for us so we are going". It took 2 sessions and we have been fine ever since.
I am so thankful I found this forum, so grateful. I just spoke with a counselor and made an appointment that I will keep even if my husband decides that he is not willing. I think tonight I will go home and ask him to give it a chance and come to 1 appt and see how it goes before shutting the door on it.
Thank you so very much, all of this is so helpful and am truly starting to feel some better. Thank you.
Your welcome! This forum is wonderful. I came on here looking for advice on a town in California and have been hooked ever since!
Good for you making the appointment. If your husband still says no to going try shedding a few tears, that usually melts them!
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