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Old 04-17-2010, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,481 posts, read 3,936,470 times
Reputation: 2434

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Why arent you letting "dear daddy the unreliable one" tell his kids he forgot them or what ever .. Next time he calls you need to hand the phone to the kids and say talk to daddy he wants tell you something .. do that EVERY TIME and pretty soon the kids will get mad at HIM and he will have to deal with HIS mistakes and make it up to them .. yanno your running interference on them and thats not your job .. You have to let him tell them he isnt gonna come and why .. sorry eye opener for a kid but it gives them a sense of who loves them more cause it sure aint the bio dad..
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Old 04-18-2010, 02:02 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,056,555 times
Reputation: 16702
You cannot change your husband's behavior. You cannot fix the relationship between your children and their father. You can only change how you respond to events and behaviors.

1. Son throwing up "at Dad's house, etc." Shrug your shoulders and say something that you are happy he enjoys it (he probably doesn't enjoy the freedom - freedom means not caring) or that his father has the means to provide it for the few days he has the children. You might even laugh and say, "of course your father has chocolate milk, you weren't there drinking it all up the whole week". But don't play into it - don't make it a competition. It isn't.

We had my stepson here about 10 days out of every 14. His mother supposedly had custody and we were supposed to have him on weekends only. Funny how we had him most of the time. I never threw it up to the child. He knew. He tried to play the "Mom takes me here and there" card. We said it was great since he worked so hard while he was with us to get his homework done, and do all the necessary things in life. Not a dig, just fact. He did like it better with his Mom. She rewarded his behavior regardless (it was all about what SHE wanted) and he had no obligations or chores. It was party city. But he has always known which parent he can rely upon.

2. Why are you having conversations with your ex? When he calls, it isn't because he wants to be informed how the kids are doing with school, events. It's to change something. I wouldn't talk with him at all. When the phone rings and you see it's him; call the kids to answer the phone. Or let the answer machine get it. Do not be the middle man - the messenger. You know the messenger always gets shot!

As for this:
Quote:
How do I get my ex to stop doing this? Do I refuse to watch the kids next time he does this....? or does that just make me look like the bad parent?
You don't. Nope, but don't keep it from the kids that you have plans for their father's time. And when the kids tell you that Daddy's not coming, you go ahead and do what you do now - change your plans unless you cannot (a cruise, other paid for plans) - then you get to talk to deadbeat Dad that HE has to change his plans.


You've gotten great advice so far - mine is just adding my 2c on top of the nickels and dimes you already have.

Good luck. Teen boys are no picnic. I raised my 2, a friend's son, and helped with my stepson. I have 5 grandsons, 3 are teens!


Quote:
Originally Posted by NOEM1226 View Post
I have been divorced for six years. I dated my now husband for 3 & now we have been married for a little over a year.

The entire time we have had custody of my 2 children from my previous marriage. My son is 12 & daughter 9. My new husband has treated the kids like his own since I let him meet them a few months into our relationship. He is so involved that we feel like a nuclear family more so than my real one did.He does homework, parent/teacher confrences & makes one on one time with my son.

My kids do see their father about 2 weekends a month & 3 weeks in the summer. However, the time their dad spends with them seems to be decreasing more & more- and with this I have seen a change in my son's behavior.There are a couple of things I need advice on here....

1.) Lately every time I tell my son no about something- I have to hear "well, dad would let me". Or stupid stuff like when he ordered me to go buy more chocolate milk & soda at 9pm- & I told him I would get them the next day-he says "dad keeps chocolate milk". His dad does not believe in setting boundries. They are allowed to play M rated video games, see R rated movies, & do not have any sort of bedtime at his home. If I were a teen- I would LOVE being at his house too! I do not bad mouth my ex, but just remind the kids firmly that we have rules at our house. I think they are too young to be set free.

Recently my son made me upset, but I did'nt let it show. We went out of our way to do something fun with him (as we do quite often) and at least 10 times during the evening he said "I can't wait to go to dad's, I would have more fun at dad's" etc....

Is it normal for a kids this age to talk about the other parent like a hero ALL the time???

To be honest his dad does not have much real intrest in them, but I refuse to say it!

2.) Another issue that has been coming up is my ex will call me on his weekends and say that he and his fiance "forgot is was their weekend with the kids" and booked a trip somewhere. Well we would never tell the kids that we would'nt watch them, so everytime my husband & I cancel our plans & spend the weekend with the kids. Then my son whines the whole weekend because he had check the calendar and knew he was supposed to be with his dad. No matter what we do as a family- it's not good enough.

How do I get my ex to stop doing this? Do I refuse to watch the kids next time he does this....? or does that just make me look like the bad parent?
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Old 04-18-2010, 02:15 PM
 
3,644 posts, read 10,917,721 times
Reputation: 5514
I never bad mouthed my ex to our girls, but I certainly never covered up for his actions that directly affected them either.

I'm with these posters. Bad mouthing him is not the same thing as telling them the truth. They don't need all the details. A simple, "Dad called to cancel his weekend again, so you'll be staying home instead." will suffice. If they want more details, THEN tell them they can ask their father the next time they see him. Reassuring your children that their dad loves them... hmmm. As a kid, I desparately wanted to believe my dad did, but I didn't really believe it. He probably figures it's something he did or didn't do. He may also try to convince himself that it's YOU keeping them apart. Be honest, but tactful, and he'll soon figure it out.

My kids do not have to deal with this stuff, but they still have tried to play my dh & I against each other. There was swift and SEVERE punishment involved. Just because you and their bio dad don't live together shouldn't change that!

To the poster who wrote about telling their kids the stepdad "is your father"... perhaps just change it to "is being a father to you" would be more effective. Again, just from the perspective of a "grown up child" of all this stuff. When my mom would say that my stepdad WAS my father, it just made me resent him, rather than appreciate all that he did for me (which was more than my bio dad did).
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