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I have 2 dd's and both will be in college this year--freshman and senior. I've been getting child support for both until recently b/c the older one turned 21. The older one also got an almost all expenses paid scholarship to college so that was a huge help. She has lived on campus, with me, or with friends since she started school and I've paid for her car insurance and cellphone bill and given her some money for rent. Now with the younger one leaving, he wants me to send her her share of the money, which I am against, esp as I'll probably be paying for most of her tuition along with cellphone and car insurance, though I'm not sure there where my obligation is. Also, he wants me to continue to give the older one money for rent as well, though I'll no longer be receiving child support for her.
He has been angry with me from the beginning about having to pay child support at all, even though he dropped the gay bomb a few years ago and before that I felt secure enough in my marriage to be a SAHM and homeschooled my kids. Now I am taking a career job and moving to a new community and buying a house with payments less than half the rent I've paid in this neighborhood since he left. (We wanted to keep the girls in this excellent public school.) The job will not pay more than what I've been making but it is a wise move nevertheless and I'm over 50 so very much up against age discrimination in the workplace and getting a career job at my age was not easy.
So, how do parents handle the child support thing with kids in college? I'll also say that though all of the money wasn't always spent directly on the girls, I've had to maintain a home big enough for both of them when on my own I probably would have gotten a cheaper place in a neighborhood w/o as great of public schools as here and I am by no means a spendthrift--I don't even buy new clothes--I shop at the Goodwill for heaven's sake, always have, and that has not changed. Also, I did not "go after" him in court--I felt that I was quite fair and the lawyer thought I was way more than fair.
I guess I'm just wondering how other parents handle this issue? Do I have to give all of the money to the girls since they won't be living with me? Though my house I'm buying will be big enough for them to stay with me if they want to as it seems a little too soon to be downsizing too much.
We paid child support until my stepdaughter was 18. We then split college costs 50/50. It was all spelled out in my husband's divorce decree. What does yours say?
If he wants the older daughter to have rent money he can send it to her. The younger daughter should only get what is left after you pay for her insurance, cell phone and other things you currently pay for her. Anything past that should be divided equally for school costs between you.
The best thing to do is first look at your divorce decree and see what it says and then talk to him and work something out and have a written agree signed, notarized and filed with the court. If he does not want to voluntarily have a written agreement filed with the court then take him to court and get it in a court order.
Most importantly though, follow your original divorce agreement IF it is spelled out in there and make sure anything added to that is properly filed with the court. You may have to seek the advice of your attorney for how to do that exactly.
OK I did look at the decree and though it doesn't do a good job of spelling things out, it does say 50/50 even while he is paying child support. He makes 5x what I do, so there is a large disparity but he resents the money going to me and wants me to give it all to the girls, which doesn't make sense at all. For one, I lose 3/10 of the money with the older one and the younger one gets 7/10 of it but he wants me to give that amount of money to a girl who's going to live in the dorm? And half that to her sis who is going to rent a place with friends? I think he's not thinking very clearly. Besides, that does not take into account what I already spend on them and that I will still be maintaining a home for them to stay at during vacations and such and he has never had them to his place overnight for the entire time of the divorce!
I guess I'm posting this b/c he has put me so much on the defensive and not sure why he's so angry anyway--it's not like I blew the money on stuff for me. I did inherit some money from mom's estate though, so that may explain the resentment and the fact that he doesn't like for "his" money on his kids to go thru me.
Do what your legally required to do and do what you want to otherwise.
Yes, I'm doing what I'm legally entitled to do but that's making him really mad. Turns out that it is the inheritance that's eating him up--he said as much in his next email and then claimed that he's not going to pay me another penny.
Wow, don't know what made him so crazy all of a sudden so I'm guessing he worked himself into a pitch when he realized how much money is going out, despite the fact that he lives in a nice home and drives a new car which is something I've never done--he left and walked away from us while we were living in a crappy rental house with mean landlords. It was supposed to be temporary while we got back on our feet but that's when he chose to come out, despite the fact that he always knew he was gay.
Also, I do get a little bit of maintenance but only for another 2.5 years--the lawyer originally wrote into the agreement for lifetime, but I said 5 years would be plenty despite the fact that my earning power has been seriously harmed by the fact that I was a SAHM for so long and now I'm over 50 and at that time we had no idea what was going on with my mother. I still do not make much money and doubt that I ever will in my career as a teacher, which is new for me.
But, I think my question has less to do with legal issues and more to do with how parents receiving child support handle the money issue with the kids gone away to college. Do you just send them money? Do you use it to pay their tuition? Do you use it mainly to keep the home fires burning while they're gone? I mean, it's not like you're cooking their dinner any more but there are still plenty of expenses with child raising and I told him I'm not just going to hand all that cash to them--wouldn't be good for them anyway, but he's on the warpath.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether I'm being reasonable. I mean, I'm following the legal code exactly--have even paid more than my share, but as you know, someone could follow the legal code precisely and still be unethical. I want to do what's right and that may not necessarily be what either he or I want.
Have you involved your daughters in this discussion? They're certainly old enough to be active participants in the decision making. I'd ask them each to draw up a list of their expenses, and then I'd sit down with the two of them and figure out how best to pay for those expenses.
The child support payments for the younger daughter should continue to go to you, and should continue to maintain the family home and pay what you can for younger daughter's car insurance, cell phone, etc. Older daughter should not be receiving the benefit of child support. If you want to help her with her rent, that should come from your other income sources.
Is she aware that you're no longer receiving child support for her, now that she's 21? Is it possible for her to get a part-time job to help out with expenses?
If he wants the older daughter to have rent money he can send it to her. The younger daughter should only get what is left after you pay for her insurance, cell phone and other things you currently pay for her. Anything past that should be divided equally for school costs between you.
The best thing to do is first look at your divorce decree and see what it says and then talk to him and work something out and have a written agree signed, notarized and filed with the court. If he does not want to voluntarily have a written agreement filed with the court then take him to court and get it in a court order.
Most importantly though, follow your original divorce agreement IF it is spelled out in there and make sure anything added to that is properly filed with the court. You may have to seek the advice of your attorney for how to do that exactly.
Yes he is planning to give her some money for rent and wants me to match that. Problem with a discussion with him is he has told me to never talk to him again. Ever. He accused me of going into attack mode when I simply spelled out exactly where the money goes and told him that I will continue to collect the child support and will give freshman girl an allowance out of that, b/c living in the dorms, she won't need that much money, I would completely lose control over it so I couldn't track expenses, and I will be paying her tuition out of that money. But that is attack mode, lol. OK, I did get a bit defensive, but rationally so I think--he was just ready to be mad. I sent a copy of his email to my lawyer in case anything comes up--it was this part:
Quote:
I have paid all the money I have been obligated to pay. I guess you could take me to court and put me in jail. I will be happy to ask a judge to look at your finances compared to mine.
Yeah, don't think there will be a discussion there. Funny thing, I was quite forgiving of him when he came out but he acts like he'd just like to forget that he was ever married and hates to lose money for any reason though he's not losing it b/c it's going to his kids--it's not like I'm living large while my kids stay in a closet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon
Have you involved your daughters in this discussion? They're certainly old enough to be active participants in the decision making. I'd ask them each to draw up a list of their expenses, and then I'd sit down with the two of them and figure out how best to pay for those expenses.
The child support payments for the younger daughter should continue to go to you, and should continue to maintain the family home and pay what you can for younger daughter's car insurance, cell phone, etc. Older daughter should not be receiving the benefit of child support. If you want to help her with her rent, that should come from your other income sources.
Is she aware that you're no longer receiving child support for her, now that she's 21? Is it possible for her to get a part-time job to help out with expenses?
Great suggestion and I will be doing that. The older girl is getting an apt and has just gotten a part time job to help out. She just got back from a semester abroad, where tuition was free but I still had to pay a large chunk for housing, which ideally I should have split the costs with him but I didn't ask him for the money b/c I had it. (and yes, he knows that too) I had already planned to continue to pay sr. girl's phone and car insurance anyway, at least until she gets out of college, and she is due to graduate on time. I will probably also give her some money for rent (not from child support) but not as much as he seems to think I should. Oh and yes, she knows no child support for her--I have a great relationship with the girls. Still, I think I'd better wait a couple of days to sit them down b/c I'm kind of shaken up by this and I want to be calm and not be tempted to say bad things about dad.
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