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Doing so doesn't mean you're a rotten child. My mother spent her last weeks in a nursing home, and then hospice. We got to enjoy what little time we had left with her because she was getting the best medical care and we didn't have to deal with the scary medical stuff we didn't understand, and if there was an emergency we had someone right there, and if we had a panicky moment we had someone to help.
Nursing homes aren't the nicest of places, but in a lot of cases, they are the best option. A dear friend of mine felt the same way as you, and had no idea her mother was undergoing mini strokes -- she only knew her mother was getting worse.... at the time mini strokes were hard to diagnose -- but if she had been in a nursing home, they would have caught it. And medicated her so a large one wouldn't have taken her life. Friend was in therapy for years over "killing her mother".... all because she would have never sent her mother to a nursing home....
Doing so doesn't mean you're a rotten child. My mother spent her last weeks in a nursing home, and then hospice. We got to enjoy what little time we had left with her because she was getting the best medical care and we didn't have to deal with the scary medical stuff we didn't understand, and if there was an emergency we had someone right there, and if we had a panicky moment we had someone to help.
Nursing homes aren't the nicest of places, but in a lot of cases, they are the best option. A dear friend of mine felt the same way as you, and had no idea her mother was undergoing mini strokes -- she only knew her mother was getting worse.... at the time mini strokes were hard to diagnose -- but if she had been in a nursing home, they would have caught it. And medicated her so a large one wouldn't have taken her life. Friend was in therapy for years over "killing her mother".... all because she would have never sent her mother to a nursing home....
I am a nurse, so is my sister. Brother in law a doctor. Even if we weren't a medical family, there was never a time they were considered. I worked in a nursing home for years. I wouldn't put my dog in a nursing home. They are always short staffed, and the work load on the staff that is there is great. TRUST ME.....I would never put anyone in one of those places. Thank God, my parents were both at home and each died in their sleep (my mom in 2001, but she had cancer, and my dad, and me and my sisters cared for her) (my dad died suddenly in 2008, during the night from a stroke)
Last edited by Jrsygrl51; 07-25-2012 at 12:41 PM..
Reason: typo
Obliged yes to help them with the basics - food, shelter and ensuring their safe - but not buying the new cars, vacations - if there ill or unwell, and perhaps over 65, but if there in there 50s and still in good health they should look after themselves, and work on a part time basis - if they cannot find any jobs them yes some subsistance support.
I don't think its fair for example for parents who have lived all their lives not made any attempt to save and for example their children can't afford to have their own children because they have to support aging parents- who might well be asset rich.
I don't think its fair for older people to give up work in the 50s and expect their kids to bear the burden
My dad has told me and my brother to put him in a van down by the river, that he never wants us to feel obligated to support him in his old age. Ironically this attitude makes me want to help him more than I'd ever want to help my mom. When they split up when I was much younger, my mom got the task of raising us, and she did alright but only with the extensive help of her parents. Even she admits we would have ended up in foster care if it weren't for her parents, that she was in no condition to take care of us.
When my parents were younger they made one bad financial decision after another. My dad's dug himself out of a hole now and encourages me and my brother to save all we can, make smart decision, live within our means, and so on. He's doing right by himself and doesn't want us ever to feel burdened. My mom on the other hand is now fired from the job she had for over 20 years because of her own failings to keep up with professional development demands. She took a much lower paying position and is living with her parents again at 55 years old. I knew intimate details of her finances from the time I was a young adolescent/teenager because she's been treating me like her adult spouse and caregiver ever since I was old enough to remotely 'understand' her problems and empathize (FYI shrinks call that 'emotional incest'). Even then I didn't understand why we went on vacations all the time and spent on luxuries instead of saving money, and every time I mentioned this after she griped about money, she pouted like a child -- and I was the teenager! I knew what her salary, mortgage, and other debts/expenses were (because she told me all the time), I currently have a lower income and higher basic living expenses than she did due to the area I live, and I STILL manage to chock away at least a grand a month in savings. She only started an emergency savings fund a few months before she was fired, when she finally saw the writing on the wall.
She's been 'joking' for years (since we were kids) about my brother and me taking care of her and building a big house for her so she can stop working and come live with us, not when she retires mind you, but as soon as possible. She still probes for financial info on what I'm making and how well DH and I are doing financially whenever we talk by phone, and it's never because she's proud of us or happy that we're doing well. It's because she wants leverage to guilt us into taking care of her, when she's probably got a good 10-20 years left of being capable of working and taking care of herself. I don't share anything with her anymore especially not financials, and I can't tell you how awkward it's made our relationship since I no longer open my life bare to her in the same weirdo way she always has to me. But it makes me sleep better at night for sure!
So to posters who seem really concerned that adult children's lack of gratitude is responsible for the downfall of society, open your minds a bit. Not everyone's situation is the same as yours, not everyone's parents are as stellar as yours, not everyone's parents have an admirable work/savings ethic like yours. I don't think kids should get stuck with the check for parents who expect handouts, starting even before their kids are old enough to legally get a job! I'd help my dad or grandparents in a heartbeat because they work so hard NOT to burden us kids. But for adult children who have been abused or neglected, physically, sexually, emotionally, OR financially by irresponsible parents who perpetually act more like the kids than the adults in the relationship, I fully understand and agree with the decision to let your parents suffer the consequences of their crap.
My dad has told me and my brother to put him in a van down by the river, that he never wants us to feel obligated to support him in his old age. Ironically this attitude makes me want to help him more than I'd ever want to help my mom. When they split up when I was much younger, my mom got the task of raising us, and she did alright but only with the extensive help of her parents. Even she admits we would have ended up in foster care if it weren't for her parents, that she was in no condition to take care of us.
When my parents were younger they made one bad financial decision after another. My dad's dug himself out of a hole now and encourages me and my brother to save all we can, make smart decision, live within our means, and so on. He's doing right by himself and doesn't want us ever to feel burdened. My mom on the other hand is now fired from the job she had for over 20 years because of her own failings to keep up with professional development demands. She took a much lower paying position and is living with her parents again at 55 years old. I knew intimate details of her finances from the time I was a young adolescent/teenager because she's been treating me like her adult spouse and caregiver ever since I was old enough to remotely 'understand' her problems and empathize (FYI shrinks call that 'emotional incest'). Even then I didn't understand why we went on vacations all the time and spent on luxuries instead of saving money, and every time I mentioned this after she griped about money, she pouted like a child -- and I was the teenager! I knew what her salary, mortgage, and other debts/expenses were (because she told me all the time), I currently have a lower income and higher basic living expenses than she did due to the area I live, and I STILL manage to chock away at least a grand a month in savings. She only started an emergency savings fund a few months before she was fired, when she finally saw the writing on the wall.
She's been 'joking' for years (since we were kids) about my brother and me taking care of her and building a big house for her so she can stop working and come live with us, not when she retires mind you, but as soon as possible. She still probes for financial info on what I'm making and how well DH and I are doing financially whenever we talk by phone, and it's never because she's proud of us or happy that we're doing well. It's because she wants leverage to guilt us into taking care of her, when she's probably got a good 10-20 years left of being capable of working and taking care of herself. I don't share anything with her anymore especially not financials, and I can't tell you how awkward it's made our relationship since I no longer open my life bare to her in the same weirdo way she always has to me. But it makes me sleep better at night for sure!
So to posters who seem really concerned that adult children's lack of gratitude is responsible for the downfall of society, open your minds a bit. Not everyone's situation is the same as yours, not everyone's parents are as stellar as yours, not everyone's parents have an admirable work/savings ethic like yours. I don't think kids should get stuck with the check for parents who expect handouts, starting even before their kids are old enough to legally get a job! I'd help my dad or grandparents in a heartbeat because they work so hard NOT to burden us kids. But for adult children who have been abused or neglected, physically, sexually, emotionally, OR financially by irresponsible parents who perpetually act more like the kids than the adults in the relationship, I fully understand and agree with the decision to let your parents suffer the consequences of their crap.
One small question... How much was your father paying in child support?
When the grown up kids get into trouble they don't seem to think twice about hitting the parents up for money or moving back home without helping out even when it hurts the parents financially but when it is the other way around people question. Kids today are too self centered.
Growing up we were middle class (struggling) and my parents did without so I could have what I needed and some of what I wanted (not overboard).
I dont' know if I am obligated but I sure want to help when they need it. I'm doing ok and would rather do without than see my parents struggle or spend their late years worrying. My in-laws, same thing but the problem is we have a b-i-l that keeps hitting the in-laws up for money then the parents are broke. Kind of in a bind there because we don't want them to need or worry but don't want to give money just so they pass it on to the b-i-l
Exactly and will do but then there are families that have the people who do nothing to help themselves but think they are entitled to other peoples money.
They should help out if possible. They shouldn't though have to have their mother or father live with them because they didn't save anything for retirement. A couple of years is different...20 years is ridiculous. How are you suppose to have your own children and save and live your life if you have to throw it all to your parents.
If possible try to help, just don't put your own life at risk.
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