Why have I failed to connect to people in Tempe? (Phoenix: neighborhoods, school)

[freewheelingvagabond]

Dear all, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Just to clarify a few points -


1. I'm specifically referring to Tempe, not Phoenix. As I have mentioned, this doesn't happen as such or as much when I'm out in Phoenix.

2. I'm not in 'STEM', rather in social sciences.

3. I almost always get along very well with bus drivers and panhandlers. One of the nicest interactions I've ever had in the valley was with a panhandler from Dayton, Ohio.

4. Well, I'm embarrassed to clarify that I do not talk over others or throw my ''education'' around (academic degrees are neither necessary nor sufficient for education, but we digress.........). In terms of 'vibe', I'm friendly, laid back and easygoing.

5. I hardly have any problem with the dialect or accent, and I always take care to speak a little slowly.



My best guess is that with most of the people of my age group there's a gap because of a lack of cultural and professional connections, and the absence of any mutual hobbies or interests. I also understand that my interests in books, music, art and film could be 'dated' - this cultural gap does not seem to exist as much with elderly people.

I would have loved to explore more of Phoenix (not Tempe), and also perhaps look out for some specific hobby/interest groups and activities. However, since I'm moving in less than three months, I'd keep my experiences in mind for future reference.

[mir86]

I'm a white female your age and while I am able to strike a conversation with just about anyone, am friendly, and people interact well with me, I also can't seem to form strong new connections. Dont even get me started on the dating scene. women here are impossible to befriend and men are creepy (and no, it has nothing to do with their attractiveness) and are over eager to sleep with girls they barely know. I'm just lucky that a lot of my friends from tucson moved up here and that the ones left there come to visit because otherwise, this is a very fun place to live, with lots to do and festivals every weekend. The only way I've managed to make any new friends at all has been through friends I already knew from before I moved here, but making friends on my own has been near impossible. I truly feel for transplants from out of state. that has got to be rough. I live just off of tempe in SE phoenix.

[Voebe]

This is sad, but I can't say I'm surprised.

I can't speak specifically about Tempe, but I think, first, that the idea of Phoenix-area people being friendly is a myth and, second, I think your word "uninterested" is correct.

Another disturbing possibility is that, assuming that Tempe has a high proportion of younger people, because of the college, maybe younger people are losing the capacity for conversation, due to the rise of the internet.

[adriver]

Originally Posted by freewheelingvagabond

Okay, a bit of a rant. Please accept my apologies in case you are offended or find anything inappropriate.


But I'm just trying to reiterate my experiences. It's fine if you bash me, but I'm really interested in figuring out if I'm missing something.


I moved in here about three years ago, and shifting out of Arizona in May (thankfully! - more than anything else, can't stand the weather). In all this time, I've experienced that people in Tempe are some of the unfriendliest (or perhaps uninterested...) lot I've ever encountered. This is based on my experience in bars, eateries, dive bars, coffee shops, buses and other public places. Almost every time that I tried engaging in a conversation with anyone, it always degenerated into a monologue. People are just not interested in talking. And this specifically applies to my age group (I'm male, 29).


In contrast, Phoenix has been significantly better, and 'normal'. Not much experience with Scottsdale, and haven't been to Mesa or Chandler.


The only time I've had any meaningful conversation with any American in Tempe, it's been one (or more) of the following cases -

1. The individual in question is from the east coast.

2. The individual in question is from the mid west.

3. The individual in question is from Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana or Oregon.

4. The individual in question is 45+ .


Outside of this, it appears that people are never interested in talking. I always try to strike up some general conversation asking people about their interests and I'm a good listener (but can talk at length if required). I'm not an American, I'm originally from Calcutta in India - and I've lived in quite a few places. I'm well read, well educated (attending graduate business school at ASU for a PhD), well versed in English and familiar with American culture (Scott Joplin, Gershwin, Elvis, Scorsese, Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Kerouac, Ken Kesey, Poe, Mark Twain, Stanley Kubrick, Sidney Lumet, Bee Gees, Ray Bradbury, Jackson Pollock, Edward Hopper, Andy Warhol, Paul Desmond, Bill Evans, Ella Fitzgerald, Dylan, BB King, Muddy Waters, Paul Simon............you get the idea). Practically, the only topic I can't converse about is American sports.


Recently I've been dating a girl who's from Chicago, and she told me about the culture here being 'different', to put it briefly. What I find surprising is that my experiences with American people have been drastically different elsewhere. I've had deep conversations about economics and politics with people in bars in Ithaca till the wee hours. I've engaged in friendly banter for over four hours in Iowa City when the bus to Chicago was unexpectedly delayed. People have joined me for random 'jams' in Chicago when I was playing guitar in streets or in parks. I've gone out for dinner in New York with strangers I met the same afternoon at the Museum of Modern Art.


To summarise, I simply have failed to connect with people of my age group in Tempe (and maybe to a certain extent, Phoenix). I am friendly, outgoing and polite. I have many close friends from different places, including Mexico, south America, Europe and central Africa.


I would also like to assert that my sample size is large enough. This is something I've encountered in Tempe since 2013, and is based on close to a hundred different people, if not more. (I always ask them if they are from Arizona, especially since 2014, and I'm always amazed to see my hypothesis proved true).


One possibility that I can think of is that I haven't been to the 'right' place. But if that is so, it must be some 'niche' place since I have to most of the 'common' places where most of the people are.


Would be curious to hear your thoughts on this (and please feel free to speak your mind).


Thank you!

Two things, I'm thinkin;

1st. People in those places probably don't want to talk about those things.

2nd. To start off a conversation well with a local, try to make some absurd joke about the weather; (i.e. Its only in the 80s today, I knew I should have brought my parka). Come up with your own...

[smoochaz]

I don't know much about Tempe, but in S. Scottsdale try Sip on Goldwater Blvd... a good vibe - cultured people who have traveled and are educated and successful -

Go to meetup.com and find a few things to do ... here's a copy/paste of activities in Tempe for this week:
SOUTHWEST CLIMBING AND BOULDERING
Arizona - Xamarin
Dependency Injection - NInject, Autofac, Unity, and TinyIOC with Rob Zmudzinski
East Valley Pinterest Party Group
Painted Wine Glasses
Having Fun in Az Social Group
Walk at Tempe Towne Lake
Urban Wellness and Botanicals
The Urban Wellness Book Club
Phoenix Drupal User Group


In the words of Zig Ziglar “If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.”

[Renegade007]

You're not trying hard enough.
Walk down Mill Avenue on a Saturday night. Comment on how beautiful a day it was today. You will be surprised how open and friendly people in Tempe are.
The Phoenix metro in general gets a bad rap for being unfriendly. It is not.

[kent_moore]

Do you have "real" friends? here OP? Tempe to me is more for younger crowds. I'm only 34 and a Southeast Asian. I have several young officemates and we usually hang out in Mill Ave, I don't have any problem with the place

Here's the thing, when I go to places I usually have a business to deal with (like meeting friends, watching concert, watching sport...) and not to socialize with strangers. If they bumped on me, I would be gracious entertaining them. But you don't expect me to initialize the conversation.

Just take it easy bro. My advise is to work first on your inner circle of friends (in school or work), then expand your network from there.

[zyphlar]

I'd like to reiterate the earlier quote:

> I think people here think it is weird to just randomly go to a place like a coffee shop or bar and just have a conversation with someone they dont know.

I'm a pretty introverted person but even I see that Arizona has a uniquely introverted quality to it. Making eye contact on the street or in coffee shops seems unwanted.

I would also assert that if you experience a difference between Tempe and Phoenix (what about Scottsdale?) it's probably because Tempe is a college town and so you've got a lot of people who haven't figured out how to be real adults yet; Tempe bars seem to me to have a childish atmosphere compared to Phoenix, which seems a lot warmer and "real."

[locolife]

I spend most of my time outdoors and definitely pop into and out of bars in Tempe from time to time. On the trails I've had very long (sometimes longer than I'd like to) interesting conversations with complete strangers talking about everything from politics/economics to the colors of the sunset. I've always found people of Arizona to be fairly welcoming and nice, although anyone making claims about people in Arizona needs to realize that most of the people you are engaging with are not from Arizona. Therefore this assertion you have gets very interesting since you say it's somewhat unique to here, yet nobody here is actually from here. My guess is in Tempe you've probably rarely ran across a true Arizona native. You'd likely (I almost promise it) have a much different experience in other parts of the valley (not Scottsdale). I don't normally engage in conversation with strangers as you've said it, but I will say hi or get into a conversation on the light rail, at a sporting event, at concerts, etc... And my experience has been much different. One of the last concerts I went to we spent the whole 4 hours with group of total strangers and helped make sure nobody in our group was completely squeezed out by the ever-growing crowd, great night of fun with those folks. Another such example I can give was at a Suns game, the people next to me were from New York City and considering moving to Phoenix. I spent the bulk of the breaks telling them all about the Phoenix area and how/why different parts of the state were so much different.

I do have to wonder if Tempe and the ASU/College crowd has a lot to do with what your experiencing. Have you considered that?

[locolife]

Originally Posted by zyphlar

I'd like to reiterate the earlier quote:

> I think people here think it is weird to just randomly go to a place like a coffee shop or bar and just have a conversation with someone they dont know.

I'm a pretty introverted person but even I see that Arizona has a uniquely introverted quality to it. Making eye contact on the street or in coffee shops seems unwanted.

I would also assert that if you experience a difference between Tempe and Phoenix (what about Scottsdale?) it's probably because Tempe is a college town and so you've got a lot of people who haven't figured out how to be real adults yet; Tempe bars seem to me to have a childish atmosphere compared to Phoenix, which seems a lot warmer and "real."

I've traveled a lot, I've spent substantial time in all major cities along the Bos-Wash corridor, in the Midwest and on the West Coast. I've had limited experience in the South, which I hear is very outgoing. But what I can tell you is I've not been to many large cities where people make eye contact or simply walk up and say hi to me at the coffee shop. I could see this happening in smaller cities, but in the Northeast you were more likely to get a "GO F YOURSELF PAL" than anything nice. The places I happen to frequent in the area just north and east of downtown Phoenix happens to seem like a perfectly friendly place to me. In downtown Phoenix I even had a complete stranger provide me with a full 10 minute review of a restaurant I was considering walking into along with a particular kind of sauce to order with my sandwich, seriously.... I couldn't believe it. After I had been on the east coast for a while this was shocking to me!