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As a kid, I had an Aunt and Uncle who had nude statues all over their home, always made me feel a little awkward. Found out years later, they were "swingers" (and aside from flexibility on the fidelity front, I never knew exactly what that meant for them in their particular situation.) They raised two sons who both grew up to be happy, well adjusted, high functioning members of society.
I've known a few people, female friends usually, who identified as "polyamourous." One of them has two "husbands" (functionally if not legally)...they all share the same bed and supposedly love one another and live happily together. Another who uses that term is married but they have an open relationship and she is also having regular relations with another couple. Or something. She's commissioned me to do a piece of art for a Christmas gift for this couple. Her husband is also in on that action...I think.
My husband has told me that, while he is opposed in the strongest way to me being involved with other men, he "is OK with" me being with other females, and in fact wants to "watch." I find that notion rather disgusting...not the idea of being with another lady, but the idea of him viewing it. I'm not much of an exhibitionist, I guess. But although there have been a rare female or two that I've fleetingly felt an attraction to, I've never wanted to go there, because I feel in my heart that it's unfaithfulness and it would change things. Alter both my friendship with the female and my marriage with my husband, in ways perhaps unforeseen and unpleasant. I won't chance it.
Is any or all of this weird to anybody? Do you think it can work? I'm not asking for any kind of advice, just trying to open up a conversation, a topic for discussion on an academic level if you will...
Because people keep their personal lives personal, no telling how common this sort of thing is. I do see it on craigslist.org frequently - someone wanting more than 1 person to "play" with. Or watch.
Other than that, I would say if you are not comfortable doing something and don't want to do it, then don't!
Simple as that! It is your life and your body.
FYI - I would not do that either.
Now if you are willing to do something nice for your husband for a special occasion like his birthday, and are even willing to do something you would rather not do, then that would probably make him quite happy! Just limit it to his birthdays only.
FYI - A friend of mine pressures his wife to do various things she would rather not do. She caves in. Then he just wants it more or all the time. So there might be an advantage to "holding your ground" and never allowing this to happen?
Plenty of guys feel the same way your husband does. They have no problem with their SO being with another woman and most would want to watch or be involved in the act. One of the most common male sexual fantasies has to do with being with 2 or more women at once. You're obviously entitled to your POV, or not wanting to carry this out, but just keep in mind that life indeed does begin just outside of our comfort zones.
You realize that it's just a fantasy. While we may think about it, the reality of doing it is another thing. It likely wouldn't be anything like what we fantasied.
I've never wanted to go there, because I feel in my heart that it's unfaithfulness and it would change things. Alter both my friendship with the female and my marriage with my husband, in ways perhaps unforeseen and unpleasant. I won't chance it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling this way, and your choice should be respected. I think it's good that you two are speaking about this, rather than it be some forbidden fantasy he would never dare ask you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Is any or all of this weird to anybody? Do you think it can work? I'm not asking for any kind of advice, just trying to open up a conversation, a topic for discussion on an academic level if you will...
Thoughts?
It works fine for us but you will get mostly negative responses and some pearl clutching here. There are other posters with "unusual configurations" too, but I think all of them will tell you to be true to yourself and what you want. If it's not for you, DON'T.
There is so little understanding of responsible non-monogamy out there among the GP it is staggering. To anyone even remotely considering it, I recommend the book Opening Up by Tristan whatsherface.
Plenty of guys feel the same way your husband does. They have no problem with their SO being with another woman and most would want to watch or be involved in the act. One of the most common male sexual fantasies has to do with being with 2 or more women at once. You're obviously entitled to your POV, or not wanting to carry this out, but just keep in mind that life indeed does begin just outside of our comfort zones.
Every guy I've been with has brought this up.
No harm in asking. If you can't discuss it, you shouldn't be doing it.
If I was with a guy and had an attraction to women I wanted to explore, I'd have no problem with him watching. But I'm pretty vanilla in terms of "configurations" - I'll be as kinky as a guy wants one-on-one, but I like things simple. Bringing in another person doesn't disgust me per se, but it would just be a distraction for me and way too much to think about. I'm into simplicity. When I'm having sex with someone, they are my total focus. Splitting that focus would lower my pleasure.
But I'm not gonna judge anyone for what happens between consenting adults.
I guess the biggest issue I've got with it personally goes down to that instinctual defensiveness against a man placing less importance on a woman. It's not a pearl-clutching or prudish discomfort for me, I've had plenty of adventures in the past. It's just that he feels that a male is a "threat" and a female isn't. As though anything two women might feel toward one another is negligible but a male...now that is real competition. Well, I understand the biological imperative that has males being competitive in this respect and others, but to act as though if I chose to carry on with a woman it would be meaningless, or worse...staged up only for his pleasure...to me that is diminishing to my feelings and to the other woman. Would I be less likely to leave him for a female, than for a male? You never know. As it happens, if I ever did leave it wouldn't be "for" anyone but myself. And that he believes least of all...as though an object cannot simply walk away unless a man's hand picks her up and takes her away. I know I probably sound awfully bitter here, but it's just a bit of grumping. I just feel like...if that's how it is, I don't want it. Plus I had too many friendships destroyed in my youth, from taking it to a FWB situation. Like it or not, going intimate CHANGES stuff.
I guess what has me in disbelief (or something) over polyamourous and open relationships is that the interpersonal workings of them can survive without imploding under the weight of their own drama. Making a relationship work with just 2 people who have different thoughts, feelings, etc. is hard enough!! I'm just like "how on earth do you people make this work, without anyone getting killed LOL!"
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too, but I think all of them will tell you to be true to yourself and what you want. If it's not for you, DON'T.