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I need you straight and honest advice. I married a Muslim Arabic man 4 years ago. I am American Christian, from the start he told me he would marry me but I could never have children for him. I agreed because I already had 3 children from my previous marriage and did not think anything of it. Then after six months I got baby fever after we had a miscarriage before marriage 6 months prior. All I could do was to think about having a baby. My husband started using condoms and would not have sex with me without them. I begin to just hate myself and wonder could it be true he was just marrying me for the so called Greencard. I tried to push this aside because we had this large wedding in his home country with all his family and although they denied the marriage at first, my husband kept fighting for us to marry until they gave in.
Now I am 46 and he is 33, I have had two IVF that he gave his sperm for but always with a look of disgust on his face. The doctor mind you, always told us I had a 1% chance with my own eggs, so I don't think my husband was ever to worried that I would get pregnant. I found out about Donor Eggs and was excited, now I could have a baby and so could my husband. Then he started my religion won't let me use DE it is Harem against the religon, but hum I thought, my husband, drinks, had sex before marriage, does not go to the mosque or pray...So why now is he talking about religon? I begged and pleaded and he said no Way.
If God wants us to have a baby he says then he will give us that 1%. I am mirseable world, I cry all the time as I want a baby so bad. Here in the Arab world we live, people ask me all the time, do you all have children and I humbley say no and they go ohhhhhhhhhh, like there is some big secert I am not a part of . Today has been the final blow for me, I told my husband I am having a baby with him or without him. If he wants to leave go...because the decision is no longer his it is mine. I will use DE and Donor Sperm.
Now I am feeling empty as I just really wish I could wake up from this Hell. Was I so stupid that I married a man who just wanted the damn Greencard or have I married a man who loves me and just don't want to conceive with DE which is the only way for us to have a child. Please be brutly honest and give me you thoughts.
Last edited by qatar1; 08-26-2008 at 04:44 AM..
Reason: made a mistake in typing
It is your decision but I would think long and hard about conceiving a child in this sort of an environment and be certain of my motives. If you are frustrated/angry with your husband a child should not be 'utilized' in the power struggle.
I would also contact an attorney and know where I stand legally.
You knew what you were getting into... in your own words you said: "from the start he told me he would marry me but I could never have children for him. I agreed". You changed your mind, he didn't and now you want to make it his problem?
Why would you want to have children with a man who is so adamantly opposed? It doesn't seem like a good situation in which to bring a child. A baby should be something to celebrate, not a point of discord in a marriage. I don't question his motives as much as I question yours at this point.
You've made up your mind (about going ahead and having a baby), now take your time and let it settle in your head and soul. See if you are still OK with this decision over the next weeks. Try to imagine how it can affect your marriage (staying together and he never comes around to love the child, or staying together and he turns around, or not staying together anymore). Try to decide if you are prepared to face any of these three outcomes.
Whether he married you for the Greencard, nobody can tell you that, only you - your observations would confirm or deny that.
Suppose you go ahead and have a baby.
Can you imagine what his attitude toward that child would be?
And toward you, since you would have disobeyed him?
Do you really think that he and his family would treat the child with LOVE and respect?
What kind of future life would be in store for this child with only one parent that cared.
And suppose the child was defective in some way...and the rate of defects for this type of pregnancy seems to be higher than normal....what would his attitude be then?
I think it's time you put YOUR wishes and desires aside and think about what you might be facing if you go ahead with this.
Your kidding me, right? What's wrong with you? You knowingly and willingly married a man who told you point blank he didn't want kids with you. Why the sudden urge or need for a baby?? You have three children already. Where are they? What about them? My advise is to gain back your senses and either walk away or keep your mouth shut.
I do understand all of you questions. I do acknowledge my three children as they live with us, me and my husband not having any children of our own and this being his first marriage; I never really thought I would want children myself at my age, so it was easy to say ok. Now being married 4 years to a man that I love more than I can even find words, he is the air that I breath, I see all my friends having children it made me want one. Maybe this was selfish on my part, maybe I should have held to my promise but I never knew I would have this feeling. Maybe it is just best to divorce my husband and start over with someone that really wants a child and give my husband back whatever is keeping him from wanting one with me.
To be honest, I can't tell you even if I stood in front of a firing squard if my husband married me for love or the greencard or citizenship, the funny thing about it is he was my bestfriend before my husband and I would have given it to him regardless and he knows it. For anyone who has gone through the immigration process it is hard as hell and time consuming. It really is not worth the trouble just to move to the US to be a Taxi driver. My husband is a Physican and his family is wealthy so I don't see the reason he would need a greencard or citizenship and we have no intentions on living back in the US/
I might just have to divorce him because this is not something I will give into and it is making my life depress, where i can't eat or sleep.
Thanks for your responses, I can take it and some of the advice was worth taking to the bank.
Last edited by qatar1; 08-26-2008 at 03:45 PM..
Reason: made errors
Your kidding me, right? What's wrong with you? You knowingly and willingly married a man who told you point blank he didn't want kids with you. Why the sudden urge or need for a baby?? You have three children already. Where are they? What about them? My advise is to gain back your senses and either walk away or keep your mouth shut.
That's harsh.
Have you seen a woman who loves a man? She may be blinded to the point of not recognizing if she was used (for the Green card), to the point of wanting to have a child of that man. She may be seeing things and still not believing them. She may be having her biological want for a child (younger people with kids don't usually get it - they are at the point of their lives where they are scared to have more kids). She may be in a fog and clinging to some advise - and then she gets this.
She may have changed her mind regarding having a baby (I think we've had at least two threads here about people changing through marriage).
Don't strike unless you know the background.
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