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So I'm not pregnant and I'm not even 100% sure I'll end up having a second, but I'd say it looks like it will happen at some point in the next year or two.
I've been thinking about it and one of my biggest questions about a second pregnancy is how to handle my parents. Here's a rundown of my situation:
With our first, my mother was with me when she was born. My child spent EVERY weekend at my parents until she was about 10 months old. My parents got a divorce, they were no longer spending much time with my child, and my husband and I subsequently felt there was no longer a good reason to stay in the state. We moved almost to the other side of the country to a place we are very happy to be in. My mother and I don't have the best relationship at all, and she is also very bitter toward my father, whom I do have a good relationship with. I feel like I need to hide from her how well I get along with him because it offends her. It's a matter of personalities meshing, really. I'd even say I don't have as good a relationship with him as I could because I'm trying not to offend her.
So being so far away, and with the relationship with my parents being the way it is, I feel like I'd want to do another pregnancy by ourselves. I've thought about not telling ANYONE until after the second one is born, and they can come visit if they want to and when they get a chance, afterwards.
And honestly, the biggest part of wanting this is because I don't want my mother being at the second birth.
I guess I'm just wondering - does anyone think it's a bad idea? Can think of a better way to handle it? I almost feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place if I were to get pregnant...
you shouldn't feel bad if you get along with one parent more than the other. if your mom asks about your dad tell her, you should not have to hide because she would be miffed. I wouldn't elaborate but nor should you hide.
if you don not want your mom involved with the pregnancy do not tell her you are pregnant until you are 4 or 5 months along. tell her you didn't know yourself for XX amount of time which will buy you time. as to the birth, you are out of state. you can hope she doesn't have the money to fly in. I think as a grandmother not telling her till after the birth may hurt her feeling so much you two may never recover. if she wants to come out, take the lead and tell her when it would help you most....after the baby is born for a few days. you can also tell her that longer time would be difficult because husbands family is coming in the following week. think on your feet and you can do it.
My guess is that you will change your mind after you are pregnant. I know I wanted my mother around when I gave birth. And, if your first born is comfortable with her, that frees you up to concentrate on the new baby.
Not knowing the circumstances of the divorce, it's entirely possible she has every right to be bitter. I know it's hard to be around people like that for long periods, but try to see her side of things.
My guess is that you will change your mind after you are pregnant. I know I wanted my mother around when I gave birth. And, if your first born is comfortable with her, that frees you up to concentrate on the new baby.
Not knowing the circumstances of the divorce, it's entirely possible she has every right to be bitter. I know it's hard to be around people like that for long periods, but try to see her side of things.
I agree with Mattie. Although things are strained between you two now you will probably do very well having her around when the new baby is born. When a new baby is born the mother usually spends a lot of time with the new baby and if there is another child that child might feel pushed off to the side. If a grandparent is around to spend time with the older one then the older one feels special instead of pushed off to the side. I really appreciated having another adult around to pay attention to the older ones while I got to know the baby.
After going from spending EVERY weekend with your first to not even being told about the 2nd until after s/he is born is huge. Think about how that would make her feel. If you asked her to come visit for a week after the baby is born, would she listen?
As far as my parents divorce - She believes he'd been cheating on her for 3 years, but I absolutely believe that's not the case. It wasn't long after he left her that he had a new girlfriend, and I believe that maybe having interest in this new woman was probably the last straw that made him finally go through with leaving my mother (I believe they'd been unhappy for years and my father named instances just before he left where SHE said "we have nothing in common" and they didn't spend much time together.), I do not believe he cheated on her. And my mother won't hear otherwise and is absolutely offended that I'm "taking his side". I told her that I'm not taking sides, that I'm sorry that she feels so hurt, but he's my father and I'm not going to cut him out of my life just because she wants me to. What happened between them is between them and my mother shouldn't expect to call me up and say "You're fathers an a**hole" repeatedly, because I don't need to hear that. She should lean on friends and her sister and brother, etc. for that particular support. My father is not an a**hole and I refuse to allow her to repeat that to me constantly. He tore out the kitchen and built a wonderful new one for her all alone, literally by himself, and she was constantly giving him a to do list and would always talk down on him.
Well, anyways... I just think her pride is hurt. I can see feeling hurt from my husband leaving me, but if I were her I'd be looking back and realizing that we didn't have a good marriage and it made sense. It was days after he left and all she had to say about it him was how horrible he was. She never once said, "I just love him and want him to come home" or anything like that. Just "what an a**hole" and "How can someone do that after 29 years". It's not like she loved him and wanted to be with him. She lost a servant. She coughed and he got up to get her another drink!!! literally!
I'm a stay at home mom now, and I absolutely believe I can handle a new baby on top of my child. My child would make a great sibling, I'm sure.
Perfectly honest - I'd rather have my dad come help for a week than my mother. I feel like my mother only brings stress and negativity... not much positive. She came with me when I moved and it was wonderful to have someone help, but at the same time, we were so glad when she left.
I rarely communicate with her. We skyped a few times but she would get so emotional and I don't know what to say to her without lying to her, and we don't skype anymore. Last time she called me she got so upset I wanted to mash my head in the wall just listening to her BS. She is not easy to get along with.
After going from spending EVERY weekend with your first to not even being told about the 2nd until after s/he is born is huge. Think about how that would make her feel. If you asked her to come visit for a week after the baby is born, would she listen?
We were lucky that we got our weekends with the first baby, but after the divorce, and let me say that I know that's a tough thing to go through and made them busy in a way, but they hardly have seen my child since the divorce.
I feel like if I told them about the second child it'd be something for them to fight about in a way. They don't talk to each other but god forbid my dad be the first one to see the kid, although my dad certainly would understand if he wasn't the first, it's my mother who would care.
If I didn't tell them until after the baby was born, I wouldn't have to listen to "Can I be there when it's born" or "Is your father coming out?" etc.
The whole split parents competing over a child: split holidays and things is the situation I feel I'm in, even though I'm an adult. I don't want to have to choose a parent, and if I had to, it'd be my dad. But I hate confrontation and in no way want to hurt my mother. It's like trying to explain to my mother what the color blue is. She just doesn't get it.
I appreciate everything she's done for me, but hardly communicating with her and being too far away for her to 'pop in' in such a relief for my family! Talking about her brings us stress. My father is the complete opposite. My husband and I miss him and I love the way he makes my kid laugh. My husband actually worked with my father for years before I met him!!!
I can't think of anything worse than having somebody you are not comfortable with in attendance while you are giving birth.
I delivered 6 weeks early so called my mother with "Guess what I did todaY."
I would not let her visit- we were hundreds of miles away- until I was 100percent comfortable with breast feeding. It turned out to be about 6 weeks. Sure enough within 2 hours she was "Are you sure you have enough milk" and Don't you want to give him a bit of cereal now. I don't think he is getting enough to eat." and all she wanted to do was hold the baby so my husband ended up with even more work to do.
I BF him exclusively for 7 months or maybe even more. All in all we BF for 2.5 years. my mother was jealous cause she couldn't BF.
So don't feel obligated to have your mother there. You need to put your health and your family first.
Well, I do have some s-t-r-o-n-g feelings about your not believing your mom re: your dad's cheating, if you've never asked him about it. I remember decades ago reading an article in Cosmopolitan magazine of all places that said if you think you know your father better than your mother does, think again.
However, that aside, if you don't want your mom there, you don't want her there. I also would not get caught up in your mom and dad's thing, in other words if she asks if your dad is coming out, you should probably say you don't know.
You might ask your husband's mom to come and help, if she's available. I'd take all the help I could get, you'll be on your own with two kids soon enough.
I think you're looking really hard for things to worry about. Your Mom might not even want to be there for all you know. I would at least wait until I got pregnant to obsess about how to keep my Mother away. And personally I would be a tad more grateful about all the help you got with that first baby. But do what you want. I definitely would not allow someone in the delivery room with me but to keep her from even seeing the baby would be unnecessarily cruel. Maybe think ahead to how that would feel if your own children did this to you.
At some point you'll probably accept the fact that your Father cheated on your Mother. I hope you'll be big enough to apologize for the complete lack of support and sympathy you gave her during what is probably the worst time in her life.
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with your first to not even being told about the 2nd until after s/he is born is huge. Think about how that would make her feel. If you asked her to come visit for a week after the baby is born, would she listen?
