18 year old son is father-to-be (early, maternity, naturally)

[NoExcuses]

Originally Posted by malamute

Obviously I cannot advise your 18 year old kid - but the advice for my own would be the age-old advice -- whether you like it or not.

Yes, I tell my sons that I believe in shot-gun weddings and if they have no intention of sticking around for the next 20 years and raising any children, and could never conceive of marrying a girl that they conceive a child with, then they are only using that girl and it's wrong to use someone.

Plenty of people married young and will live until 90 or more -- they didn't die because they married young, that's foolish, and a baby doesn't stop anyone from going to college if they really want to go. My own sister refused to consider college when she was 18, she married at 24 but completed college in her 30's and with 3 kids. Yes - it's harder but an easy life isn't always a guarantee -- never was.

This couple doesn't sound ready to marry - but playing house doesn't seem like a good answer either - with the boy's mom picking up the tab. My other suggestion would be for him to continue living at home until he grows up and for the girl to live with her parents or other relatives until she grows up. The best thing would be for the baby to be adopted by a family ready to raise a baby.

I would help in a similar situation if marriage was in the plan but otherwise no. I think it would only end up being a whole lot of drama.

I agree completely. If they want to dance, they have to pay the piper.

Originally Posted by fallingwater

Why is it that people feel the need to be so self righteous while hiding behind the keyboard? Life is messy, being a parent is messy and if we could control our children's actions all the time, then life would perfect. Okay..now on to reality.

Kind of like you with that statement?

Originally Posted by fallingwater

The hardest part of being a parent is sometimes your children fail and there is nothing you can do about it. Your children's "failures" sometimes become a part of your life as well. Parenting doesn't stop at 18. But what exactly is failure?

No one said he failed. If young adults want to act like young adults, they take responsibility for their actions. They don't decide after the fact that they don't want that responsibility. Anyone who grows up knows about birth control. When one decides to not make sure they don't get pregnant (man OR woman), they take responsibility for that pregnancy and what comes with it.

And yes, PARENTING DOES END AT 18. Being a parent lasts forever, but the actual parenting SHOULD end upon the offspring coming of age. They are supposed to be prepared for life by then.

Originally Posted by fallingwater

There are many cultures where families live together under one roof. In america its viewed as a sin. Some of the most happy and well adjusted children I have known lived in homes with many family members from different generations. I think you are taking on this challenge with a lot of thought and concern. Your son is lucky he has someone so level headed in his life. The GF's parents are making a huge mistake. You do not abandon your children when they mess up.

Some of the most happy and well adjusted children I have known lived in homes with their parents and VISITED their grandparents.

There's a huge difference between multi-generational families living under one roof with adults acting like adults, and multi-generational families living under one roof with adults acting like kids with a child themselves while only one person is taking on all the responsibility of being the only adult.

[nuala]

Just wanted to add - when I was born my grandma was 45yo (jeez I just started having babies in my 40s, strange to think now). Anyway, she and I had an incredible bond, I preferred to confide to her first sometimes instead of experiencing my mother's quick anger (fell in the mud, for example, my grandma would wash my clothes before my mother even gets to know). I don't know how my grandma felt about becoming a grandma at 45. Kids and their young parents are too self-centered to even try to understand how an older person might feel, and how can they? I do know my grandma said that she was resentful at the word "grandma" at first, she just didn't feel that old. Those were the 60s, with large families under the same roof. Nowadays, however, I don't think it is expected of people to do one way or the other, but rather it's supposed to be their personal choice.

[antiques55]

Big family pow wow tonight (my family, not the GF's). It appears as though they have shifted their thinking and realize they cannot handle the responsibilities of parenting right now. When the GF started asking me about "paid maternity leave" from her part-time hourly retail cashiering job, I knew we were in deep kimchi. I think my son got tried of everyone "talking at him" and when I told him to get used to it, he realized this wasn't going to be a walk in the park with GF and Grandma would do all the hard stuff.

[maciesmom]

Good luck. A lot to think about for everyone.

[Steve Bagu]

If the GF of your son continues with the pregnancy DM me in 6-7 months on how she looks and I will tell you whether it will be a boy or girl.

My dad taught me a system and I've been using it for over 55 yrs with only being wrong 3 times...many talking with strangers who had taken the test or from customers at my business that sent me a card saying I was correct. Not bragging or anything but the system does work. At one time thought of charging $5 for my prediction and if wrong would return the money. Too much hassle with a license etc.

Steve

[dazzleman]

Originally Posted by antiques55

Talk about a roller coaster of emotions, this last week had been very difficult. My son and his GF, both college freshmen, told me that she is pregnant. They are both good kids, work hard, and just had an "oops" experience. I don't mean to discount it - this is an "oops" that could affect their entire future. They haven't decided what to do yet but my sense is that they are leaning towards keeping the baby. My son is going through college on the GI Bill so money for education isn't an issue for him. He intends to continue with school. His GF has been kicked out of her parents home and is currently staying with me (I'm divorced and have been since my son was less than a year old). She would likely continue working part-time while still in school this semester, then work full-time over the summer and continue working part-time/going to school part-time in the fall. After the baby is born in the spring, she would take a couple classes each semester and otherwise stay home with the baby while my son continues his studies full-time and perhaps works part-time (the GI bill gives him a large monthly stipend). They were looking at apartments but if we all can handle it, I think it would be better financially if they stay living with me. I have 2 extra bedrooms and they would have entire floor of the house to themselves (2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom). I would charge them a bit of rent but nothing compared to what they would have to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment, which around here would run about $1100/per month.

I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'm trying to be supportive and realize that any decision they make is their decision. They are both legally adults and all I can do at this point is give them the wisdom of my experience so that they can make an informed decision. I'm ready to be a grandmother but life would be easier for them if they weren't parents yet.

Also, I have to admit that I'm a little unhappy at how this will affect my life. I was rather looking forward to being an empty nester. I had planned on moving since I have no family in this area. I know some parents don't look forward to the empty quiet of a house without children in it, but I was frankly looking forward to it. Until they are at least a little better settled and can understand how their finances will be affected, some of my plans will have to be put on hold. I feel a little guilty for being upset that my plans are changed. No, they don't have to be - I could let them figure it out and sink or swim. But I don't think I could do that. Besides, mostly likely they would be knocking on my door anyway asking for help and advice.

Sigh - being a new grandma isn't supposed to be like this.

You're in a tough position.

I've seen parents like their kids live with them in this situation, and it often doesn't end well. I think you have to be very careful about how you carry it out, if you do this. I believe firmly that in order to be a good parent, you have to be functioning as an adult, or else you have little to offer your own child. The parent who is living with his/her own parents and behaving like a teenager can't possibly be a good parent. And contrary to what we like to believe, there's nothing biological that forces people to grow up and act maturely. I've seen many people in their 50s with the mentality of immature teenagers if they've been enabled.

Maybe you should give them a strict time limit on how long they can live with you. And you should make them pay rent, even if it's a hardship for them.

I don't like the plan that your son would work only part time and the girl not at all. How can that work financially, unless you're paying for almost everything? I think you need to drive home the point that if they decide to keep the baby, it's going to alter their lives and there will be consequences. If they can't handle it, they should give the baby up.

Also, I wouldn't allow the girl to just stay home and take care of the baby. She needs to work. I'm generally not a big proponent of mothers with young babies working, but I think it's necessary in these circumstances. To have her sitting home while you effectively support her would be absurd.

Another thing I'd insist upon if they're going to live with you for any period of time is that they get married. It's absurd that today, people consider marriage a bigger commitment than having a child together. I wouldn't allow them to shack up together under my roof with a child.

[antiques55]

They have decided not to keep the baby. I don't want to get into a big firestorm of "adoption vs. abortion" so I'll just leave it at that. We're relieved. Son is relieved. GF is naturally more emotionally vulnerable about this - not only because this is her body but also because she was very caught up in the "cute baby and family" scenario. Which we all know lasts until the first night the baby comes home.

Thanks to all for your thoughts and support.

[thepinksquid]

Originally Posted by antiques55

They have decided not to keep the baby. I don't want to get into a big firestorm of "adoption vs. abortion" so I'll just leave it at that. We're relieved. Son is relieved. GF is naturally more emotionally vulnerable about this - not only because this is her body but also because she was very caught up in the "cute baby and family" scenario. Which we all know lasts until the first night the baby comes home.

Thanks to all for your thoughts and support.

Honestly, I think they probably made the right choice. I know that the decision must have been hard for them--but it would have had a lasting negative impact on their lives financially to raise a child at 18. I can barely imagine the responsibility for myself now married at 24, nonetheless being six years younger and unmarried.

Also...you should feel like that you have done a WONDERFUL job of being supportive to them, from what I've read in this thread.

Also, as an adoptee, I will say that the adoption alternative isn't always "sunshine and roses" as some make it out to be. I'll just leave it at that, too.

[{geek}]

I wish you the best of luck with this, truly. However, understand that giving a child up for adoption is a very emotional experience. Though she may agree to it now, there's always the chance that once she delivers the baby, she may change her mind.

You, your son, and her family, need to have a back-up plan should she decide to keep the baby following delivery.

Also, if she does actually go through with the adoption following delivery, she's going to need to be in some type of counseling in order to emotionally cope with the situation.

I had a friend in HS once that ended up pregnant. At first, they were going to get married & keep the baby. But, after she realized how much work/time/effort was involved, it'd put off her college education, they'd be strapped for cash and it'd just be an overall uphill struggle for many years -- she decided (with her family & BF) to put the baby up for adoption after she had it.

That's what she did. She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and gave him away.
Nine days later, she took her own life.

God be with you, and give you strength.

[antiques55]

Never said there was going to be adoption. Never said there wasn't. Enuff said.