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@antiques55, you're doing things the right way. You're his Mom, and as his Mom, stand by him. It may be hard from time to time, but being a parent isn't always an easy road to walk, but it's definitely the most rewarding road to walk you'll ever walk in your life.
Having a grandchild is a very precious experience and I'm so happy for you and your son.
Thank you. I think I'm doing the right thing, as well. I will stand by him and I'll also whap him upside the head if he does anything that isn't right.
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions, this last week had been very difficult. My son and his GF, both college freshmen, told me that she is pregnant. They are both good kids, work hard, and just had an "oops" experience. I don't mean to discount it - this is an "oops" that could affect their entire future. They haven't decided what to do yet but my sense is that they are leaning towards keeping the baby. My son is going through college on the GI Bill so money for education isn't an issue for him. He intends to continue with school. His GF has been kicked out of her parents home and is currently staying with me (I'm divorced and have been since my son was less than a year old). She would likely continue working part-time while still in school this semester, then work full-time over the summer and continue working part-time/going to school part-time in the fall. After the baby is born in the spring, she would take a couple classes each semester and otherwise stay home with the baby while my son continues his studies full-time and perhaps works part-time (the GI bill gives him a large monthly stipend). They were looking at apartments but if we all can handle it, I think it would be better financially if they stay living with me. I have 2 extra bedrooms and they would have entire floor of the house to themselves (2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom). I would charge them a bit of rent but nothing compared to what they would have to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment, which around here would run about $1100/per month.
I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'm trying to be supportive and realize that any decision they make is their decision. They are both legally adults and all I can do at this point is give them the wisdom of my experience so that they can make an informed decision. I'm ready to be a grandmother but life would be easier for them if they weren't parents yet.
Also, I have to admit that I'm a little unhappy at how this will affect my life. I was rather looking forward to being an empty nester. I had planned on moving since I have no family in this area. I know some parents don't look forward to the empty quiet of a house without children in it, but I was frankly looking forward to it. Until they are at least a little better settled and can understand how their finances will be affected, some of my plans will have to be put on hold. I feel a little guilty for being upset that my plans are changed. No, they don't have to be - I could let them figure it out and sink or swim. But I don't think I could do that. Besides, mostly likely they would be knocking on my door anyway asking for help and advice.
Sigh - being a new grandma isn't supposed to be like this.
As the old saying goes, "Man plans, God laughs."
If they do keep the baby, IMO you owe it not to the parents-to-be but to your grandchild to be accommodating within your means, even if that involves delaying empty-nesthood for a few years. But I'd also make sure the parents understand your hospitality is not limitless. Give them a clear deadline to get out on their own; say, six months after your son graduates.
Sorry this interferes with your "empty nester" plans for now, but sometimes we have to give up what we want for a more important calling. No need to feel guilty about having your plans altered though -- it's a pretty legitimate reason to be steamed. But do what you gotta do to give your grandchild a better shot at growing up in a stable household.
Marriage may not be the end of the world but divorcing someone can be very emotionally difficult, not to mention expensive. And no way is he running off and leaving his family. But to push marriage on a young couple who are still trying to figure this out is just asking for trouble. If they keep this baby, they will forever be tied to one another anyway. They need time to figure out all the options, pros, cons and what is right for them without Mother pecking at them about what I think is right or not right. If I start telling them what I think they should do now, where do I stop? Tell them which diaper brand to buy? Tell them how to raise their child? Tell them which major to take in college? It would be never-ending. I've asked the question "Have you discussed getting married?" And the answer was, "we aren't ready to make that decision right now." Fine. Can you please explain what it is that I have said which indicates that I want my son to be a little boy forever and that I've failed to teach him to grow up and be responsible?
The baby won't tie them together especially if they have no commitment with one another. She can move out anytime and find new boyfriends, have children with other men, he can do the same.
In my opinion letting young lovers shack up in your home does not encourage much responsibility. To me it sounds like this is a temporary relationship, they want a cheap place to live while it lasts but they don't have a very serious committment to anything, certainly not to each other. Not a good way to start.
Sure divorce isn't easy but single mothers raising children alone don't have it easy, and children with unmarried parents with various boyfriends and girlfriends also don't have it easy. The baby is what's important now - but you have to do what you think is best.
If it were me, I would help some but only if they were willing to marry. Otherwise, as long as they have no committment to one another, let them live apart with each one's parents and think about it some more.
Yep. Wife and I had 5 of our own, and then adopted another 5. Three of the five adopted are special needs kids. One is blind, another is deaf, and another has down syndrome. Our 5 adopted are all from 3rd world countries where they were either orphaned, or just unwanted.
If they do keep the baby, IMO you owe it not to the parents-to-be but to your grandchild to be accommodating within your means, even if that involves delaying empty-nesthood for a few years. But I'd also make sure the parents understand your hospitality is not limitless. Give them a clear deadline to get out on their own; say, six months after your son graduates.
Sorry this interferes with your "empty nester" plans for now, but sometimes we have to give up what we want for a more important calling. No need to feel guilty about having your plans altered though -- it's a pretty legitimate reason to be steamed. But do what you gotta do to give your grandchild a better shot at growing up in a stable household.
I definitely will do. I am saving that discussion for the time they tell me that they have definitely decided to keep the baby. I doubt they will do otherwise, but not wanting to put the cart ahead of the horse. I'm not sure what my deadline will be. His plans for now include becoming a career Army officer and that means he would be leaving the house after graduation in any case. But one never knows which way the wind will blow.
The baby won't tie them together especially if they have no commitment with one another. She can move out anytime and find new boyfriends, have children with other men, he can do the same.
In my opinion letting young lovers shack up in your home does not encourage much responsibility. To me it sounds like this is a temporary relationship, they want a cheap place to live while it lasts but they don't have a very serious committment to anything, certainly not to each other. Not a good way to start.
Sure divorce isn't easy but single mothers raising children alone don't have it easy, and children with unmarried parents with various boyfriends and girlfriends also don't have it easy. The baby is what's important now - but you have to do what you think is best.
If it were me, I would help some but only if they were willing to marry. Otherwise, as long as they have no committment to one another, let them live apart with each one's parents and think about it some more.
I've read what you have to say. Thanks for your opinion.
Yep. Wife and I had 5 of our own, and then adopted another 5. Three of the five adopted are special needs kids. One is blind, another is deaf, and another has down syndrome. Our 5 adopted are all from 3rd world countries where they were either orphaned, or just unwanted.
There's a special place in Heaven for people like you. My son's GF has a brother with cerebral palsy and she has been very involved in advocacy for handicapped kids. I admire people who sacrifice in that way. I don't know if I could do it.
Do you mean parents or do you mean society? Yes, there are parents who are enablers and who delay their child reaching adulthood. Then there's the phenomenon brought on by society (meaning Western capitalist society), the economy and, by extension, stockbrokers, mortgage lenders and politicians, which has prevented young people from entering adulthood because they are not able to successfully launch themselves. This isn't a self-imposed "failure to launch." It is caused by a situation which doesn't allow one to check those adulthood blocks. If Western capitalist society has gone overboard in this regard, maybe we need to talk to someone. Who do you suggest we call?
The economy has been much worse in the past. There was a time when people didn't all go to college to have high paying jobs, they didn't have cars or might have to share one, they didn't have big screen televisions, cell phones.
If you look at how things were in the 1900's, or 1920s, or 1930s, or 1940, or 1950s, and even 1960s -- people did not all go to college, people often married right out of high school, worked any kind of job, lived on far far less than people do today. They didn't eat out often, they were lucky to have one car, they even sewed clothes at home. Kids were considered to be adults sometime around 18-21.
It's actually just recent times that we as a society think 18 is old enough to have sex but too young to marry. Now adult children have babies but marriage is out of the question, they aren't failing to launch, they aren't ready to decide if and when they'll launch.
I guess for who to talk to -- maybe our not-so-distant ancestors, how did people do things back then when things were really not all that easy. Maybe it's just that as a society we got so used to having everything be easy and handed to us, we can't see any other way.
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