Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My uncles ex wife is very toxic. EVERYTHING has to revolve around her. At my sisters first wedding (she's the oldest), my aunt and my dad's other SIL were sitting down "watching" the champagne glasses to make sure they were safe. ALrighty then. The two of them drank SO much champagne that they were well on their way to Shattered. My dad, having just given away his oldest daughter and hoped to not have to do it again, was celebrating with everyone else at the reception. He was quite happy! The two aunts said something to my father, keeping in mind that they were all pretty drunk, one thing led to another, she said that no one was paying attention to her, that it wasn't fair, yadda yadda yadda. My father got mad, and told her where to go. She didn't like that, so she and the other SIL decided that they didn't need to talk to us anymore, and felt they were insulted and ignored during the whole wedding and reception. I'm sorry, who just got married? My sister. NOT YOU, her. Get over it. Unfortunately I couldn't say that, I was 17 when my sister got married, and was taught to respect my elders regardless of how rude they are.
Soon after that horrible day in 1989, the rest of the family (us) were ignored and they did not speak to us for about 12 yrs. It sure was nice and quiet! We didn't have to travel 3 hours for family gatherings or listen to how no one pays attention to aunt xxx. We always heard about the money problems that her and my uncle had, yet she went out and bought new furniture every other year. Not just a living room set, but for EVERY ROOM in the house. They added on to their house and that included 6 bedrooms. (do the math for the furniture). Uncle was a recovering alcoholic, and is unable to read, so she would make him dependent on her. So, when Uncle had a rough time, it was poor Aunt xxx.
To top this all off, in Sept there was family function, involving my parents. The Uncle was invited, yet, he came with the ex wife (whom he had annulled the marriage back in 1992), and still lives in the same house renting a room. WHOLE different forum for that one!
The aunt/ex SIL came to the function, was talking with her kids and the other brother/SIL and across the room, shouts out my name. I ignored her, as I was in the middle of chasing my son across the room. (we were playing a game....I think follow the leader and he was running!!!). Any way, I ignored her just for a moment. I went back over and asked what she needed. She just wanted me to go get her a drink. Are your egs broken? Ugghhh!! I hate that side of the family.
We've learned that Aunt XXX is very toxic and my mom and I try so hard to avoid her. If we have to deal with her, we make sure my hubby is with us. He is so easy going and so clever with the insults, that he can say something to her and she wouldn't realize that it was a dig and not a compliment!
It's sad to say, but her ex Husband, my uncle is like her too. It has to be all about her or him or their kids. The last time my uncle came to visit my father without her, he was talking about his son (the only boy out of all of us 10 grandchildren!), and how proud he was of "my son XXX". He was speaking to me as though I had never met him before or knew anything about the family. Very irritating! To top that off, his son, my cousin, was in the Army and was an officer. I have nothing against officers in the military, I respect them or at least the ones that deserve it. He is an A*******. That is being nice too! I was in the Air Force and my uncle said that I was just an Airman (E4). So? I at least went through basic training, earned my 3 stripes (not much)(plus being a girl, he didn't think it was right for me to be in the military), but the son went through ROTC and had no repect for the enlisted person.
Again, I am not knocking the ROTC program, it's great, but for some, it makes the toxic waste attitude come up to the surface.
To sum this all up: I don't like toxic people and try to avoid them!
Here is a list of different types of toxic people.
The Blamer This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
The Drainer This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
The Shamer This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
The Discounter This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
I have to make a distinction here. There are some people that are a little needy or tend to complain, but they could have some (transient) difficulties. I don't think they mean to do harm, if at all.
My read on toxic is that the person is purposely venomous and seeks to hurt, degrade or abuse someone. They are spite on 2 legs. That, to me, is toxic.
I put up with the above type. Sometimes I complain or seek advice. So I've been there. I love getting the bona-fide troublemaker in heat, when the situation makes this option available and the right choice of action.
The Gossip
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
The malicious gossip ( male or female ) can destroy lives.
Their method of attack is spreading slander and half truths to people that don't know you.
I was always taught to judge for myself and not let a gossip do my thinking for me, but I see that most people were not taught that way or maybe they're cowards and don't want trouble, so they " go along to get along".
I know there's going to be outrage but I'm afraid these cowards are just as bad as gossips since they enable the gossip and often spread the lies.
You say he is easy going yet is great at giving back handed insults??? That isn't something to be proud of. Sounds like passive aggressive anger to me. Not easy going behavior. Sorry, but that is not good. She might be picking up on the back handed insults and that could be fueling her rage towards you. She just doesn't let you know it to your face. I've done that before. Somebody will use backhanded insults on me or treat me in rude and passive agressive ways and I will pretend not to know, and then get back at the person and humiliate them in some way because of their awful behavior. I don't care if the woman is a demon, if she were so bad I would at most just wave at her, other than that make no eye contact and only create conversations with happy go lucky people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aomething
We've learned that Aunt XXX is very toxic and my mom and I try so hard to avoid her. If we have to deal with her, we make sure my hubby is with us. He is so easy going and so clever with the insults, that he can say something to her and she wouldn't realize that it was a dig and not a compliment!
It's sad to say, but her ex Husband, my uncle is like her too. It has to be all about her or him or their kids. The last time my uncle came to visit my father without her, he was talking about his son (the only boy out of all of us 10 grandchildren!), and how proud he was of "my son XXX". He was speaking to me as though I had never met him before or knew anything about the family. Very irritating! To top that off, his son, my cousin, was in the Army and was an officer. I have nothing against officers in the military, I respect them or at least the ones that deserve it. He is an A*******. That is being nice too! I was in the Air Force and my uncle said that I was just an Airman (E4). So? I at least went through basic training, earned my 3 stripes (not much)(plus being a girl, he didn't think it was right for me to be in the military), but the son went through ROTC and had no repect for the enlisted person.
Again, I am not knocking the ROTC program, it's great, but for some, it makes the toxic waste attitude come up to the surface.
To sum this all up: I don't like toxic people and try to avoid them!
ya, you should be the final judge. Look at the person's behavior patterns and attitude. That is how you know for real. This takes days to figure out.
I've heard good gossip which lead me to believe that a really incompetent jerk was really great at what he does.
I've heard bad gossip which could sway me to believe that somebody was a demon to avoid like the plague vs. somebody who tells it like it is but is otherwise good hearted.
Gossip just isn't very accurate and some of it may be correct but it is never enough to assess the person as a whole.
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting
The malicious gossip ( male or female ) can destroy lives.
Their method of attack is spreading slander and half truths to people that don't know you.
I was always taught to judge for myself and not let a gossip do my thinking for me, but I see that most people were not taught that way or maybe they're cowards and don't want trouble, so they " go along to get along".
I know there's going to be outrage but I'm afraid these cowards are just as bad as gossips since they enable the gossip and often spread the lies.
What is wrong with asking for guidance, support, information, and advice or whatever to feel better? Isn't that what friends are there for?? I mean come on, that is NOT toxic behavior at all.
It is toxic if the person manipulates you into being their therapist. For example a guy would call me to tell me only about his problems and issues and then before I knew it the conversation had ended. It was more of a boring and draining monolog. Never talked to the guy again.
[quote=aomething;2918488]Here is a list of different types of toxic people.
[The Drainer This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
You say he is easy going yet is great at giving back handed insults??? That isn't something to be proud of. Sounds like passive aggressive anger to me. Not easy going behavior. Sorry, but that is not good. She might be picking up on the back handed insults and that could be fueling her rage towards you. She just doesn't let you know it to your face. I've done that before. Somebody will use backhanded insults on me or treat me in rude and passive agressive ways and I will pretend not to know, and then get back at the person and humiliate them in some way because of their awful behavior. I don't care if the woman is a demon, if she were so bad I would at most just wave at her, other than that make no eye contact and only create conversations with happy go lucky people.
Well, if the aunt has figured it out, there's been no retaliation, and I really don't care. I was just posting about how I have come across toxic people and gave an example. I believe that alot of her anger comes from jealousy.
People who are easily envious and jealous of others are also bitter and angry and toxic. It just makes sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aomething
Well, if the aunt has figured it out, there's been no retaliation, and I really don't care. I was just posting about how I have come across toxic people and gave an example. I believe that alot of her anger comes from jealousy.
Unfortunatly I'm stuck working with many toxic people. As soon as someone walks out the door they become a target of insults. There is also name calling and "tagging" people with a goofy nicknames. There is rampant drug use and people who will do things to make themselve's look good and others bad. To survive you have to learn to adapt. By that I do not mean participate but find ways to avoid it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You say he is easy going yet is great at giving back handed insults??? That isn't something to be proud of. Sounds like passive aggressive anger to me. Not easy going behavior. Sorry, but that is not good. She might be picking up on the back handed insults and that could be fueling her rage towards you. She just doesn't let you know it to your face. I've done that before. Somebody will use backhanded insults on me or treat me in rude and passive agressive ways and I will pretend not to know, and then get back at the person and humiliate them in some way because of their awful behavior. I don't care if the woman is a demon, if she were so bad I would at most just wave at her, other than that make no eye contact and only create conversations with happy go lucky people.
