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I've noticed that many tend to be judgmental, exploitative, or insensitive when listening to other people's problems/inner struggles. Instead of really trying to understand where the other person is coming from, some see it as an opportunity to judge, exploit (opportunists), or criticize.
Why is that so? And has this phenomenon been worsening in recent times?
And what advice would you give to those looking to improve in this arena?
VGravitas,
Because true empathy is an acquired skill-set (though it can be augmented by inherited traits). Sadly, our good ol' American Culture values rugged individualism. Therefore it emphasizes "active" skills. For example we are taught how to read, and to write, and to speak, but we are not taught how to listen. Why? In the American culture, listening is considered a "passive" skill and is not valued.
The same, exact thing happens with empathy skills.
Now, regarding how to improve, my first suggestion is to learn how to truly listen. In America most people do not listen with the intent to understand, but with the intent to reply or rebut or argue. That is, if they listen at all. Also, many Americans confuse understanding with agreement; they are nowhere near the same thing.
In his highly acclaimed book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey's Habit 5 is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." (I added the bolding and underlining for emphasis.) Anyone who truly masters this habit will have made a lot of progress toward developing empathy.
Regards and best wishes,
-- Nighteyes
02-18-2014, 05:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VGravitas
I've noticed that many tend to be judgmental, exploitative, or insensitive when listening to other people's problems/inner struggles. Instead of really trying to understand where the other person is coming from, some see it as an opportunity to judge, exploit (opportunists), or criticize.
Why is that so? And has this phenomenon been worsening in recent times?
And what advice would you give to those looking to improve in this arena?
Good question. It is quite incomprehensible to me. Is it the fault of poor parenting, inadequate education system, negative mainstream media, general social degradation? it is hard to say for sure what contributes the most to this social problem. People seem to find it acceptable these days to make fun and ridicule on others' misfortune. Society in general tends to tolerate this behavior and regards it as harmless joke as long as the ones laughing aren't the ones being ridiculed. People are getting more desensitized to human tragedy for some reasons.
R. Crusoe,
Why do you suppose that inadequate education system would be partly responsible?
Too wrapped up in their own problems I guess. And lack of priorities. A focus on the self and not on being here for the good of society, or to be helpful.
It's hard for me to put myself in other people's shoes, usually I'm so busy thinking "glad it's not me" to actually care about them. Sometimes I have to say the word "care" in my mind to actually help someone in need. Especially if the person asserts that I should care. My mother is the perfect example.
She'll ask me to go to the market for her, and I'll tell her I have a paper due and I can do it tomorrow. She will then assert that because I'm able bodied and she is disabled I should do it for her. Obviously I feel guilty and do it for her, but while I'm doing it I'm thinking, "this stupid woman made my paper a full 2 hours late because she wanted a pack of ciggs and some bacon! We have enough food to pull off a meal!".
Why do you suppose that inadequate education system would be partly responsible?
I'll take it to the next level -- our inadequate education system is ENTIRELY responsible.
Why? Because we, the American people (the ultimate stakeholders and funding-sources for the current education system), completely under-value the importance of these skills. Therefore we completely under-estimate their importance and under-fund (if we fund at all) the efforts needed to teach them to the next generations.
Period, paragraph, end of story.
Should we want to find a scapegoat, we need go no further than the face each of us sees staring back at us from any mirror.
I've noticed that many tend to be judgmental, exploitative, or insensitive when listening to other people's problems/inner struggles. Instead of really trying to understand where the other person is coming from, some see it as an opportunity to judge, exploit (opportunists), or criticize.
Why is that so? And has this phenomenon been worsening in recent times?
And what advice would you give to those looking to improve in this arena?
In short, because humans are jerks. And yes, it has worsened in recent times. In my childhood, I remember it largely being people's own business how you voted. Now if you didn't vote for the right person, someone might egg your house.
I lack empathy (or the ability to show it), but for a different reason. Because I've been a target of this crap for so long I simply can't really care about people's problems. That's changing a bit at a time, thanks to so therapy, but any jerks I meet don't make things easy. Whenever I pour my heart out to someone and they're like "sorry, I don't like you" I close back up again.
Strong defenses against empathy come from actually being wounded when trying to share feelings. The more "perfect" our society comes, the worse this problem gets because people have to live up to the standard.
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