My 4 year old son fears his dad (husband, emotion, adult)
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My 4 year old son fears his dad/my husband and doesn't like him much. Today my son tells me that he wants me to pick him up from preschool. I tell him that his dad is picking him up and he said, "No, I want mommy" (to pick him up). I asked him why and he said "daddy mean." Also, whenever I give our son showers, he loves it and is very playful and happy. I asked my husband if our son is ever playful and happy in the shower when my husband washes him, and my husband said "no." I became curious after that. I was there one morning and my husband gave our son a shower; our son just stood in there looking at me with sad eyes. He wasn't laughing or being silly like when he was with me. In fact whenever I tell our son to do something with his dad or go ask daddy, he'll usually say "daddy mean."
I have seen how my husband is around our son; he is not the most loving person in the world. He isn't that loving to me either, and it bothers me more that he isn't as kind as I would like him to be to our son (especially since it took us several years to have a child). My husband does not know how to console our son. For example, one time when our son followed his dad in the garage and the garage door accidently hit our son, his dad immediately just yelled at him and said, "Your fault!" Our son (around 2 years old at that time) stood there crying and I had to go comfort him while his dad just walked by and yelled at him. Just a week ago, our son was throwing up and he accidently did something to his dad; his dad raised his voice and yelled at him causing our son to cry even though he was really sick. I told him to stop and quit raising his voice at him. I was bothered by how he raised his voice like that. Not the first of course.
Another time was shortly after we had lost our 2nd little boy (born premature and did not survive)-our son was being silly and did not want to put his shoes on. He kept being silly and laughing. His dad got frustrated and grabbed our son's arm with such force that he scared me (and our son). I yelled at him to not ever do that again and that he could've damaged our son's arm. I told my husband that he needs to be nicer to our son even more now because he's the only one we have.
Another time was when my son and I were both sick and he had a high temperature. My husband was contemplating on cancelling his fishing date with his friend or stay with us; he decided to leave us both alone and go fishing instead. I had to take our son to the ER shortly after he left and I wasn't feeling well myself. It was after this and other events that I decided I was going to leave my husband and take our son with me. I had it all planned out and when the time came, I decided not to do it. Another time, I did kick him out once and was about to divorce him; he was good again for a few months, but he always went back to his old self.
He is not good to me either. Let's just say we don't have sex anymore because I do not want him to touch me and he threatened to kill me once when I was pregnant. He used to call me "b*tch" everyday and "w*h*o*r*e" whenever I went out just to get the groceries among the other things he's done. Too many to name here.
So why haven't I gotten out? Fear. Fear of being poor and living on one income and not being able to provide for my son if I was the only one working. Fear of him coming after me and my son. Fear of ending up in the news that another husband kills himself and then kid and/wife. I know he will make my life hell if I divorce him. I don't even like his family either. They are not loving and his brother is just like my husband. Yes, I made a mistake.
I'm thinking about installing a hidden camera in our home to see what's going on when I'm not home. Am I overreacting regarding the fear that my son has with his dad? I mean, he is not always like that, but he is like that more than I would like him to be. Like I said before, he is not the most loving, but he is not the worst dad and husband either.
Last edited by AhRainess; 01-03-2014 at 11:44 AM..
I like the idea of the camera..for your sons sake.
I can't see how you could possibly be "over reacting" regarding the fear your son has of his dad...especially after you've said that he calls you names and threatens your life.
I think I would fear staying in your situation more than I would fear the unknown (what will happen if/when you leave him).
Were I in your situation, I'd like to think I'd do what I felt was best for my son...leave...I can't see that as being any worse than staying with a man who doesn't seem to respect nor care about you and your son....I wouldn't want to stay long enough for him to actually hurt or damage the child...though he's probably already hurt the child's psyche.
I hope whatever you decide it proves best for you and the child, he deserves to be happy and feel wanted...as do you.
So why haven't I gotten out? Fear. Fear of being poor and living on one income and not being able to provide for my son if I was the only one working. Fear of him coming after me and my son. Fear of ending up in the news that another husband kills himself and then kid and/wife. I know he will make my life hell if I divorce him. I don't even like his family either. They are not loving and his brother is just like my husband. Yes, I made a mistake.
I'm thinking about installing a hidden camera in our home to see what's going on when I'm not home. Am I overreacting regarding the fear that my son has with his dad? I mean, he is not always like that, but he is like that more than I would like him to be. Like I said before, he is not the most loving, but he is not the worst dad and husband either.
You know who knows whether a camera is a good idea? A lawyer. They will know whether it will be something that can protect you if it comes to it. Recordings are not always admissible. Don't know the details, but a lawyer would. You know who would know how to leave your husband safely with the greatest support structure behind you? Your local battered women's shelter. They can help you formulate a plan. You will be safe before your husband knows how to react.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. That must have been horribly painful for you. And, on top of that, to have to deal with your husbands behavior.......I just really feel for you (and your little guy).
Honestly, no one should be calling you those names on a daily basis, least of the person you have chosen to be your partner in life. I am not sure that I would mess around with the camera option. What if he finds it?
You owe it to yourself and your son to make plans to get away from him and his family. I know that this is easier said than done so you should probably start searching your local resources so that you know what support is available to you. I know that you said you don't like his family, but what about yours? Is there anyone that can help you out of this situation?
I am sure that you are scared and I don't blame you. I am sending you prayers and wish you the best of luck.
Be poor.
But be happy and safe and keep your son happy and safe.
By not leaving, you are basically telling this guy (your husband) that his behavior is ok.
And you are teaching your son to become that kind of man.
No 2 year old should ever fear any adult ever. I am sad for your son. All my 2 year does when he sees an adult is light up his eyes and smile. He loves everyone and thinks everyone loves him. That is what 2 years old is supposed to be like. Not scared and alone.
He is not good to me either. Let's just say we don't have sex anymore because I do not want him to touch me and he threatened to kill me once when I was pregnant. He used to call me "b*tch" everyday and "w*h*o*r*e" whenever I went out just to get the groceries among the other things he's done. Too many to name here.
Why is this buried so far down in the thread almost as an after thought. The other stuff could be explained away; not everyone is loving and empathetic. But this paragraph shows him to be unbalanced if what you said is true.
If true, you don't need advice; you need to leave.
OP, even the people coming out swinging with mallets are just looking for your best interest and that of your son. Please take the advice and leave the vitriol.
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