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Are there any viable other, alternative ways that a person can still have a balanced and reasonable social life, if socializing in large- or medium-sized groups only makes them miserable? I have tried many different group socialization venues at various points in my life -- college, student activities, churches, clubs, pubs, college alumni social events, office social events, etc. -- but doing so has only ended up making me feel very unhappy, whenever I have tried it in the past. I have strongly felt that I was not valued, that I was treated unequally and unfairly, and simply dismissed as being seen by others as unimportant and inconsequential, at these kinds of events. For example, I would consistently try talking to and meeting new people, but would only get (at best) one-word, one-sentence answers, and then the people that I was talking to would immediately stop talking to me, and start talking to someone else, ignoring me completely thereafter. This and other similar kinds of negative treatment that I received was extremely discouraging. I subsequently never formed any positive friendship or peer relationships ever in my life, at least from these types of group interactions. As a result of these repeated bad experiences, over time I have grown to regard group socialization as very unpleasant, and something to avoid, as much as and whenever possible.
I had thought about trying to form significantly smaller (say 2-3 people total) groups to socialize with, to take off some of the feelings of stress and pressure that larger-group socialization has repeatedly taken as a toll on me, but how can a person be able to form smaller groups in the first place, if they are always rejected by the larger groups to begin with??
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 01-19-2014 at 07:44 AM..
Reason: Corrected typos
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
8,852 posts, read 10,456,964 times
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Maybe make your own gatherings. You might feel more comfortable inviting a small group of people you know to your home for a casual dinner, barbecue, to watch a movie, sporting event, whatever (make sure there's food)! And if you don't anyone that well, then start up & advertise a special interest group on Meetups or Craigslist (though unless you already know them somehow, might be best to talk to 'em on the phone first before giving out your address…. or else just use a park or restaurant for your meetings). Good luck!
I swear to goodness I don't work for meetup.com, but seriously, start your own group! I belong to one group in particular that "caps" events at 4-7 people. It's usually a small gathering like a book discussion, afternoon coffee, etc.
There's probably also plenty of people out there who want something just like you do. Create a group and do your own thing!
I also don't enjoy large groups for more than a short burst of time. At large gatherings, if I can't break off into a smaller conversation after a while, have to leave to recharge my batteries.
Are there any viable other, alternative ways that a person can still have a balanced and reasonable social life, if socializing in large- or medium-sized groups only makes them miserable? I have tried many different group socialization venues at various points in my life -- college, student activities, churches, clubs, pubs, college alumni social events, office social events, etc. -- but doing so has only ended up making me feel very unhappy, whenever I have tried it in the past. I have strongly felt that I was not valued, that I was treated unequally and unfairly, and simply dismissed as being seen by others as unimportant and inconsequential, at these kinds of events. For example, I would consistently try talking to and meeting new people, but would only get (at best) one-word, one-sentence answers, and then the people that I was talking to would immediately stop talking to me, and start talking to someone else, ignoring me completely thereafter. This and other similar kinds of negative treatment that I received was extremely discouraging. I subsequently never formed any positive friendship or peer relationships ever in my life, at least from these types of group interactions. As a result of these repeated bad experiences, over time I have grown to regard group socialization as very unpleasant, and something to avoid, as much as and whenever possible.
I had thought about trying to form significantly smaller (say 2-3 people total) groups to socialize with, to take off some of the feelings of stress and pressure that larger-group socialization has repeatedly taken as a toll on me, but how can a person be able to form smaller groups in the first place, if they are always rejected by the larger groups to begin with??
Maybe people in the larger groups are the social ones and they don't really see you as their kind. So that means you would have to find "your kind" in the small groups. And these are usually subsections of the medium size ones. So if there is a club, there could be more private meetings. Or a church would have something like small groups. Or some kind of a class of some type (people tend to bond over doing something together). Or some project somewhere, some voluntary community things or something.
Are there any viable other, alternative ways that a person can still have a balanced and reasonable social life, if socializing in large- or medium-sized groups only makes them miserable? I have tried many different group socialization venues at various points in my life -- college, student activities, churches, clubs, pubs, college alumni social events, office social events, etc. -- but doing so has only ended up making me feel very unhappy, whenever I have tried it in the past.
I had thought about trying to form significantly smaller (say 2-3 people total) groups to socialize with, to take off some of the feelings of stress and pressure that larger-group socialization has repeatedly taken as a toll on me, but how can a person be able to form smaller groups in the first place, if they are always rejected by the larger groups to begin with??
I'm fairly sociable, but walking into the kind of groups you described makes me nervous as well. There's no real "point" to the group and you have to fish for topics of conversation. If you're nervous, that's hard to do.
How about activities that either have a point, like volunteering with a group, or participating in or starting something like a chess meet-up, or some sort of hobby meet-up (flying remote-controlled airplanes, birding, photography, gardening) where the group will most likely be small and you'll have a built-in topic of conversation?
See something beautiful
Praise the God
See something wrong
Look at yourself.
What is it in you that pushes people away? I have strongly felt that I was not valued, that I was treated unequally and unfairly, and simply dismissed as being seen by others as unimportant and inconsequential, at these kinds of events.
Are you really that much of a generally accepted value? What sense of entitlement makes you feel eligible for special treatment? Why do you believe that you ARE important? When was the last time you looked into a mirror?
See something beautiful
Praise the God
See something wrong
Look at yourself.
What is it in you that pushes people away? I have strongly felt that I was not valued, that I was treated unequally and unfairly, and simply dismissed as being seen by others as unimportant and inconsequential, at these kinds of events.
Are you really that much of a generally accepted value? What sense of entitlement makes you feel eligible for special treatment? Why do you believe that you ARE important? When was the last time you looked into a mirror?
With all kind and polite respect intended of course, in response to the questions presented above, I am confident enough in myself and my abilities that I know that I did everything I could possibly do, to be successful in my efforts I always treated the people I attempted to speak with at the referenced past social events with sincere respect, kindness, and friendliness. I therefore honestly believe that I did nothing wrong...the unfortunate reality is, there is really nothing a person can do to successfully convince or appeal someone to care about or love them, if the person is not so inclined... And so it really has nothing to do with a sense of entitlement, or a desire for special treatment, on my part -- if I am going to be intentionally treated disrespectfully or unequally by someone, that is obviously not going to be perceived as acceptable or desirable, to me.
try to find a way to overcome your fear of people. counseling maybe?.
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I have tried many different group socialization venues at various points in my life -- college, student activities, churches, clubs, pubs, college alumni social events, office social events, etc. -- but doing so has only ended up making me feel very unhappy, whenever I have tried it in the past. I have strongly felt that I was not valued, that I was treated unequally and unfairly, and simply dismissed as being seen by others as unimportant and inconsequential, at these kinds of events. For example, I would consistently try talking to and meeting new people, but would only get (at best) one-word, one-sentence answers, and then the people that I was talking to would immediately stop talking to me, and start talking to someone else, ignoring me completely thereafter. This and other similar kinds of negative treatment that I received was extremely discouraging. I subsequently never formed any positive friendship or peer relationships ever in my life, at least from these types of group interactions. As a result of these repeated bad experiences, over time I have grown to regard group socialization as very unpleasant, and something to avoid, as much as and whenever possible.
I always treated the people I attempted to speak with at the referenced past social events with sincere respect, kindness, and friendliness. I therefore honestly believe that I did nothing wrong...the unfortunate reality is, there is really nothing a person can do to successfully convince or appeal someone to care about or love them, if the person is not so inclined... And so it really has nothing to do with a sense of entitlement, or a desire for special treatment, on my part -- if I am going to be intentionally treated disrespectfully or unequally by someone, that is obviously not going to be perceived as acceptable or desirable, to me.
