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Is it ever okay to be the bully? I'm fascinated by a form of bullying known as relational aggression, because it plagued my existence as a child. Other girls would tease me, laugh at me, and manipulate me in many strange and sadistic ways. It was a powerful weapon, and no one could protect me. My parents and teachers didn't understand it and didn't know why I wanted to have friends so desperately. Add to this the fact that, when I was a child, the media, perhaps unintentionally, glorified this form of bullying as the ultimate way for a strong female figure to usurp authority. It's left me with an appetite for it, unfortunately. Although I want to strive to do the opposite and always help people and treat them the way I would want someone to treat me, this image of the glamorous girl bully is still etched firmly in my mind. She's witty and powerful, a born leader, capable of manipulating anyone and talking her way out of anything. With a few small words and almost insignificant gestures, she can sentence lesser girls to lives of obscurity, shame, and humiliation. The lesser girls may be perfectly capable of talking, but the queen bee chooses who has the right to be heard. Everyone else is molded in the image that she chooses for them. The weakest girls have no idea what is being done to them or how to stop it. They just live their lives in this painfully altered existence; they have no friends and no security and are forever trying to please with few results.
Of course, being one of the abused myself, I should have no desire to be this so-called "queen bee," but I do wish I could understand my fellow women and girls, and I wish I had enough power and influence to control them or at least guide them and understand them to a point, just so I could be a more effective leader. As it stands, I have trouble asserting myself, perhaps because of what I experienced. I feel like I'm a poor role model for women and girls, because most of my experience has involved trying to avoid the venom. I feel like I missed something crucial in my development. I can read between the lines, but I don't think I do it well enough to keep up with the kids with whom I work. I wish I knew how to better relate. I even kind of wish I could have a bit of bully in me sometimes so that I could take charge of things when they get out of hand. I equate that venomous personality with a kind of charisma I want to have, but, of course, I would want to use my powers for good.
Do you have any suggestions? What should I pursue instead if I still want to be a strong and persuasive leader?
You will never be like those girls. When we are young, we think we can do that, that somehow we can learn to be like them. But it isn't possible. They are adept at knowing exactly how and when to be aggressive and how to verbally manipulate. Trying to be like them when you don't have that (apparently inborn) skill only results in inappropriate aggression, which just turns people off.
You need to give up trying to follow that model. There are other kinds of leaders. You have to find your own path to that, and understand that controlling other people may not be in your nature. However, management skills are something that CAN be learned, and if you are thinking about professional management, then there is hope and there are many resources to help people develop better skill at managing people.
Those mean girls never change, but the rest of us do get sick of it at some point and refuse to play along. There is one woman in our PTA like that, and all the other moms are just polite to her, but other than her one or two bff's, no one really wants to spend time with her. At first, I thought she was really funny and interesting, and then I started to feel vaguely insulted and insecure whenever I talked to her, and then I started avoiding her. She is very involved in the school, and it turned out that a lot of moms just didn't participate in things because they felt it was all too much drama and too clicky. The thing about being older is that you finally realize there are more of us than there are of them. It seems we all just kind of ignore them, but they actually think they are excluding us.
As you get older, people start to appreciate lack of drama, competence and thoughtfulness more than wittiness and charisma. They care a lot more about what you can do for them than how much "fun" you are to be with. Plus you have a lot more choices about who you associate with. So I advise you to concentrate on doing your job to the best of your ability, being kind and thoughtful, and not trying to emulate the high school mean girls.
Being strong and assertive does not mean being a bully. Bullies don't actually make very good leaders because they don't inspire people to love or have loyalty for them.
Diana from V was effective at dealing with women who wanted to be the queen bee. I really wish I knew how to embed the video correctly so people can click on the link. My mom said when I was a child, she didn't want me watching that woman. She used to break women for sport. It's when they tried to break her that everything backfired on her enemies.
Being strong and assertive does not mean being a bully. Bullies don't actually make very good leaders because they don't inspire people to love or have loyalty for them.
This just sounds like the plot to a Mean Girls movie. How about just being real with people in your environment? I find it works a lot better than trying to act like we live in a sitcom or movie with writers.
Maybe so...I will admit that I have not encountered a lot of this as an adult, although this seemed pretty real, even crippling, to me when I was a child. I did have a few tormenters who seemed totally in control of what I experienced at school. Perhaps it was a bit traumatizing; now that I'm an adult and am much more rational, I'm still fascinated with this damaging dynamic. I often wish that I would have had a stronger older socially intelligent mentor who could have guided me through those torturous years. Now, I watch the girls from the other side of the desk and wish I was that mentor. I guess this person, though, is only an idealized version of what could be found in the real world, and I'm stuck with what is real with all of its faults flaws and imperfect understanding.
However, dealing with the kids on a regular basis has helped me understand some of their social dynamics. Those uncanny experiences that caused me so much anxiety as a child seem so much more rational now that I'm the adult. I can see a child's petty behavior for what it is, and I know that I do not have to tolerate it, so I don't. I understand that the child wants to learn from me, and I understand that my formula for success need consist of just a few things, like a well-planned lesson, professional appearance, and the ability and willingness to express empathy and connect with students. I still kind of dream of being THAT unforgettably helpful teacher, though, the one who always knows what's going on with her students--the concerned math teacher in Mean Girls, anyone? I've also seen better examples of this power of personality in the world of teaching and leading. It's almost like some teachers can read their students' minds. Now, I wish I had that level of charisma, and maybe it can be learned.
Is it ever okay to be the bully? I'm fascinated by a form of bullying known as relational aggression, because it plagued my existence as a child. Other girls would tease me, laugh at me, and manipulate me in many strange and sadistic ways. It was a powerful weapon, and no one could protect me. My parents and teachers didn't understand it and didn't know why I wanted to have friends so desperately. Add to this the fact that, when I was a child, the media, perhaps unintentionally, glorified this form of bullying as the ultimate way for a strong female figure to usurp authority. It's left me with an appetite for it, unfortunately. Although I want to strive to do the opposite and always help people and treat them the way I would want someone to treat me, this image of the glamorous girl bully is still etched firmly in my mind. She's witty and powerful, a born leader, capable of manipulating anyone and talking her way out of anything. With a few small words and almost insignificant gestures, she can sentence lesser girls to lives of obscurity, shame, and humiliation. The lesser girls may be perfectly capable of talking, but the queen bee chooses who has the right to be heard. Everyone else is molded in the image that she chooses for them. The weakest girls have no idea what is being done to them or how to stop it. They just live their lives in this painfully altered existence; they have no friends and no security and are forever trying to please with few results.
Of course, being one of the abused myself, I should have no desire to be this so-called "queen bee," but I do wish I could understand my fellow women and girls, and I wish I had enough power and influence to control them or at least guide them and understand them to a point, just so I could be a more effective leader. As it stands, I have trouble asserting myself, perhaps because of what I experienced. I feel like I'm a poor role model for women and girls, because most of my experience has involved trying to avoid the venom. I feel like I missed something crucial in my development. I can read between the lines, but I don't think I do it well enough to keep up with the kids with whom I work. I wish I knew how to better relate. I even kind of wish I could have a bit of bully in me sometimes so that I could take charge of things when they get out of hand. I equate that venomous personality with a kind of charisma I want to have, but, of course, I would want to use my powers for good.
Do you have any suggestions? What should I pursue instead if I still want to be a strong and persuasive leader?
A bully is hardly someone to admire. You should not aspire to be like that, period.
A true leader does not aim to break people or destroy their reputations. That is heinous behavior. Yes, it might work in elementary school or on television, but in real life that behavior is disgusting. Anyone who behaves like that is deeply, deeply insecure and does not want anyone else to have the spotlight. Do you really want to be someone who has to hog every last crumb of power and approval?
Aim to be secure enough within yourself that you don't have to steal other people's thunder or extinguish their light. Truly confident people operate from love and radiate abundance for all - not just for themselves.
A bully is hardly someone to admire. You should not aspire to be like that, period.
A true leader does not aim to break people or destroy their reputations. That is heinous behavior. Yes, it might work in elementary school or on television, but in real life that behavior is disgusting. Anyone who behaves like that is deeply, deeply insecure and does not want anyone else to have the spotlight. Do you really want to be someone who has to hog every last crumb of power and approval?
Aim to be secure enough within yourself that you don't have to steal other people's thunder or extinguish their light. Truly confident people operate from love and radiate abundance for all - not just for themselves.
True. A bully is no one to admire, but everyone has positive traits, even if they aren't the kinds of people we would want to aspire to be. In the case of the mean girl, I would like to have her power of persuasion, wit, and charisma. I would like to be able to influence the people for whom I'm responsible and use that innate trust people seem to develop for people like that to help me better understand people and care for them. No, I don't want to be a bully. I just want to be a strong socially intelligent woman who can discern when her fellow females are facing problems. I want to be that person who knows just how to give the right kind of advice. Like I said in my earlier post, I would try to use my abilities for good.
The mean girl vs. me:
She is strong and socially confident, while I tend to be non-assertive and aloof
She is witty and charming, while I once struggled to even speak coherent sentences
She is competent in almost every common situation, while I've had my faults and flaws exposed to me again and again.
She has an above average understanding of the workings of the lives and minds of her fellow females, while I feel like I have virtually no understanding at all.
She is seen as a good friend and is given a certain form of innate trust, even if she breaks confidences again and again, while, although trustworthy, I struggled to keep my friendships intact and often lost friends over petty things.
We seem to admire the mean girl, because she knows exactly what to do to get what she wants. She doesn't have to play nice or fit into any kind of role. She is a socially intelligent being who can wield charm to bring fear and intimidation. She does not use her powers for good, but anyone could probably benefit from the traits that make her socially aware and accepted. I don't want to be a mean girl. I agree. Adults have no place as bullies, but I would like to be able to give off that vibe and maybe develop a few of her positive traits.
I think you are just lacking in confidence in your own social skills. It really has nothing to do with mean girls. Let's look at the traits you just described... strong, socially confident, witty, charming, competent. Those are not traits that I would attribute to a mean girl. I don't know anyone who admires a mean girl except, apparently, you. Most of us were victims of this type of bully at some time and find her behavior disgusting. Most people would like some revenge on these folks, a la "Heathers", I certainly wouldn't want to inspire those thoughts in others! The teachers I remember as being most influential and memorable were the ones who took time for me, who saw the real person inside of me, and who sought to listen and bring out my best. They also were unabashedly themselves, whatever that might be, and not putting on some ill-fitting persona that really doesn't serve anyone's best interests.
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