Never felt truly loved by anyone? (people, men, woman)

[Raena77]

I feel this way at times or like an outsider.

[silibran]

I suspect some among us do not feel loved because of what Mighty Queen related about her own mother who had not provided love and comfort for her when she was little. I don't know about deserving to be loved, as much as I feel that we should be loved by our parents and family. This is a given, IMO. But sometimes moms and dads don't feel the connection because of mental illness or another problem.

Perhaps in other cases, something in the person herself causes this feeling of being unloved.

[mordant]

I had loving supportive parents and assume this is why I've never felt unlovable or unworthy of love.

On the other hand I have not been particularly lucky in love and have found intimate relationships ... disappointing. In other words I seem to have a good foundation that prevents feelings of unworthiness but have never felt I've every fully and sustainably had the love I feel I'm worthy of. (Of course, I may simply be flattering myself to think I'm worthy; I am, after all, the common denominator in all instances where I've looked good from a distance but haven't held up to close scrutiny).

Regardless, I agree that feeling worthy to be loved is a prerequisite to even have a shot at feeling loved. My first wife was a good example; I used to say that if I could make love into a 2x4 and whack her square in the face with it, she wouldn't recognize it as love. And she felt very unworthy. People who enter adulthood feeling unworthy seldom seem to have some great epiphany about the matter; they seem stuck with the notion.

Bottom line, "feeling" loved requires sufficient emotional freedom to be completely open to the experience, a conviction that you're worthy, and those things in return seem to require a minimum of dysfunction in your family of origin. People of course find healing all the time, but it's neither easy nor assured that it happens.

[kat949]

Originally Posted by Amisi

My older sister committed suicide a few years ago. She was in her 50s. I was reading some of her things that her daughter let me see and one of the things in the box was a copy of an email to a friend of hers. In the email, she thanks this person for being in her life and for loving her because, in her entire life, she never truly felt love by anyone (including our parents, siblings, her ex husband, daughter, etc.)

I have that same feeling. I have never felt truly loved by my parents and definitely not by my siblings (except for this sister to a degree). I don't think my ex-husband truly loved me. I have a teenaged daughter and I guess she loves me but I never really get a sense of great love from her.

Why do people have these feelings of being unloved?? Rationally, I know my daughter loves me and would be devastated without me. Emotionally, I just don't feel it and have never felt it from anyone. My sister, too, never felt love from anyone except, apparently, from this friend of hers.

I'm guessing a part of your not feeling loved is the environment you grew up in, which seems to lack open and honest communication. Your family life growing up sounds restrictive. When people restrict their emotions, they do not show empathy. When you don't feel like people understand you or respect you as an individual, you start to turn inwards, and despite the absolute untruth, you feel depressed and worthless.

I wonder if in your own way you've found ways to cope. You got married. This means, on some level, you know what loving yourself is about- when you are able to love someone else. When you're able to love someone else, you can be able to love yourself too, even if that love may have been dysfunctional- you still know what acceptance means..You probably are feeling really sad right now dealing with a lot of loss, your feelings of lack of love deepens. You mentioned you love your daughter and she loves you.. this time you can change things around and live life differently starting with your own family (in her generation). There's always tomorrow that starts with today.

[matisse12]

Love can be a game.

We often behave in certain ways to increase our chances of being loved or maintain being loved.

In society, women who wait on men by preparing food, cooking, & doing a multitude of household tasks are often 'loved' by the man in their life. Men who provide a financial living to a woman increase their chances of being 'loved'.

And love is often based on how a person makes you feel rather than being based on the characteristics of the individual.
If a person in a marriage or relationship makes you feel great about yourself, one often loves that person.

The characteristics of the individual are often secondary to how the person makes you feel about yourself. So the love isn't based on the characteristics of the individual, but narcissistically based instead on how being with the person makes you feel.

So you're not really valued for yourself & your unique characteristics, but valued for what services you perform or how you make your partner feel.

[John13]

Originally Posted by muzic072014

I agree to some extent, i realized first 22 years of my life i lived in abusive family.
but if you love yourself you will attract a loving person. If you deeply are grateful for what you have u start to feel the love in your heart, it works! Life is good if you do that.
Have you read the book The Secret ? its informative

Here it is 4 days later and I am very surprised no one commented on this.

I am not reading the book nor am I spending close to an hour watching that video. From my life experience which is plenty what I bolded is beyond ignorant and much of the rest after the bolded part is rubbish. I'm just blunt at times and don't mean that as an attack.

It's very difficult to connect with someone and it is harder for some than it it for others. It has zero to do with loving oneself. I have the opinion that most people do care about themselves. Close enough to the same thing, IMO.

Some people do not have much in life. Many are struggling in today's economy and so many others including posters on City-Data cannot relate to that. So how can one be "grateful" for having little to nothing? There is not much fun in that and once you are in that category by any misfortune that came your way through no fault of your own (example - job loss, medical emergencies, or any number of things) it is very difficult to come out of.

That will hurt ones chances at love greatly. As does shyness and being introverted. Loving yourself is not going to help ones desire for wanting to be loved.

[John13]

Originally Posted by todd00

That loving yourself first business is the biggest load of complete rubbish there is. Brought to you courtesy of TV shrinks, talk shows, and the mountainous number of self help books written by bloated gas bag know it all's out to make a quick buck based on trite cliches and psychobabble.

So by this reasoning if you don't feel loved then it's your own fault if you don't love yourself, rather than the other person(s) for not giving back anything. I don't love myself, but have a very big heart and show that by acts of love to those I care about. This world is not fair, people that give love often don't receive a like amount back and what they may get back may be just a mirage. There are cases where people aren't good at expressing love in words or miss the signals of one needing more back. From that, one party might feel their needs are not being met, though that person does really care but doesn't adequately show it. Then there are cases where a good-hearted giver is matched with a selfish taker and of course the giver will feel hurt throughout that relationship, no matter how much the giver loves himself. With selfish, greedy people, and those with an agenda, the one loving themselves is never going to fair well or get back what they give no matter how many times they kiss their mirror every morning. Well unless there is a hook attached, like the taker thinks it will get them some material object they want back in return for showing more love back and being extra kind. Show genuine love and caring and it may come back to you, depending on the receiver. That's true whether one does or does not love themselves.

I've known a few people that really loved themselves. And they are far more weird than ones critical of themselves and realize they are deeply flawed. Types like this have trouble in relationships, because their primary goal is to please themselves first and foremost with other parties coming a distant second. I had a friend like this and I could see why his wife left him, based on how self absorbed he was with pleasing himself. That's not a good thing in a marriage, and they had a young child too. He's perfectly happy with only his company, all he needs is his mirror.

As far as the OP's question, I felt loved as a kid and as a young adult by my parents, but in later life my mom was very hateful, I felt very unloved and that still hurts me. It's a terribly empty feeling to not feel loved by a spouse. I pity anyone that lives with that.

I didn't know it at the time but looking back I experienced that for a longer period than I realized. I was used and used badly by my ex-wife. As soon as I got her through major surgery (I took a second job and paid the COBRA when she lost her job) she dumped me to explore sexual fantasies. I was in denial because I never expected to be divorced. A plan for the future was in place. Little did I know what a horrible investment of my time it was not to cut my losses and end it much earlier than when she ended it with the cheating and lying.

Unlike you Todd I had a very traumatic childhood that I never really got over. I put much of that blame on my worthless father but my mother should have protected me and left his sorry ass and raised me herself. Or maybe she would have found someone more deserving and not stay with a violent abuser.
It was way too late but my mother and I were very close after my father died. Later in life (40s) she was diagnosed with MS and it may have been the reason she stayed with him until the end.

As for this topic - I really do not know, probably yes. Do very temporary relationships count? I don't think they should. I felt it for brief periods here and there. Same with my ex when we were first married.

My first GF was the best and that was when I was 18-19. Never anyone better. I lost her to religion as I was going in the opposite direction. Stuff happens.

[Leroycer16]

Originally Posted by Amisi

My older sister committed suicide a few years ago. She was in her 50s. I was reading some of her things that her daughter let me see and one of the things in the box was a copy of an email to a friend of hers. In the email, she thanks this person for being in her life and for loving her because, in her entire life, she never truly felt love by anyone (including our parents, siblings, her ex husband, daughter, etc.)

I have that same feeling. I have never felt truly loved by my parents and definitely not by my siblings (except for this sister to a degree). I don't think my ex-husband truly loved me. I have a teenaged daughter and I guess she loves me but I never really get a sense of great love from her.

Why do people have these feelings of being unloved?? Rationally, I know my daughter loves me and would be devastated without me. Emotionally, I just don't feel it and have never felt it from anyone. My sister, too, never felt love from anyone except, apparently, from this friend of hers.

This forum and this particular quote is reflective of how I feel and a subject I know I need help with.
I am 70 yrs of age and I have never in my whole life truly felt loved. Not by my parents, my extended family, my husbands or my children. They say they love me but why do I still feel so alone. I have always had to fend for myself in every area of my life. Further at 70 I have never felt the safety and security of knowing that someone has my back if I was disabled and could not work. Yes I am still working because I have to just to stay in my home. I've never felt like I was someone's little girl.

[homina12]

To Amisi and Mightyqueen and anyone else who has had similar experiences, I'm so sorry. I don't feel particularly lovable either, although I guess I've been spared some of the deeper cuts you've experienced. Still, I think I can empathize.


I suspect that our temperaments tend to determine how we deal with the world. Some people, from the moment they're born gladly move toward new experiences, and some move a way. Those new experiences are opportunities to learn some level of mastery over ourselves and our environment. If we shy away, we miss those opportunities.


Add to that abusive, neglectful, or well meaning but overprotective parents, and we're that much less likely to feel like the world is a manageable place. I think feeling loved is in part a consequence of feeling like we can manage well, especially the challenges of family and romance and all the emotions that go with it. A person born with a tendency to withdraw and who has unaware or uncaring parents will have developed some very maladaptive habits by the time they are really in control of their fate.


Not sufficiently mastering life's most important challenges is a confidence killer and sort of a marker other people pick up on. When we think of ourselves as not very competent and others also mirror that message back to us, it's tough to believe otherwise.


I don't think lovableness is absolutely tied to how well we manage. Supportive parents and other important adults imbue a kid with a sense of being OK, and that can outweigh or at least mitigate against those inherent tendencies. Someone with really strong instincts to engage the world might survive a tough childhood and emerge OK. If you're totally lacking in instincts or support, you may struggle. If you have little of both, likewise. If you have neither, well that's a real challenge.


I'm probably carrying around some less than average instincts for engaging people and the world, and mostly fearful parents who never let me test the world. I manage OK, but I always feel like I'm not quite a part of things, and when I get stuck in that feeling it's hard to believe that I'm really loved, even when there's ample evidence.


It's the feeling that can be such a *****, indepenedent of what's going on.

[Clark Park]

I know some women who seem desperate and obsessed with being loved. There are men who also feel it, but I'll wager there are far more women who are suffering because of it.

Some women seem so needy. For example: my lovely attractive 36 year old favorite cousin in Florida. She has no problem attracting men - she's slender and pretty and was once a model! The men all turn out to be incapable of fidelity ... especially her ex-husband and father of her 6 year old boy.

Myself I am a life-long bachelor. I have never been in a committed romantic relation. When I was younger I was romantic - I really wanted to be in a long term romantic relationship but the ones interested in me I felt no chemistry or physical attraction to. I set very high standards for my "true love." In a cruel twist of Karma the ones who I was attracted to only wanted either just a platonic friendship or a short term dalliance without commitment. Oh well.

It's trite and banal ... but I say LOVE YOURSELF. It can be the beginning of a very beautiful life-long relationship!