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I believe that anyone entering a relationship that has "fetishes" should be open about it and the other party needs to understand and educate themselves about the "fetishes" so that they do not end up being hurt either emotionally or physically. "Fetishes" often grow in intensity as the years go by and can leave the person without the fetish feeling, and justifiably so, that the fetish is of primary interest and they are just along for the ride. What might of seemed like some sort of play becomes the controlling party in the physical part of the relationship. I think that "fetishes" are sad and greatly diminish a relationship.
I have to comment on the fact that fetishes are sad.
I don't think they are. Everyone has a kink, everyone has something that turns them on. Most men are into breasts, that's a fetish. Just because it isn't abnormal doesn't mean it can't be classified as a fetish any less than, say, a foot or hand fetish.
I agree that there are some sick things out there, but not every person who is into those things is a sick person. If you look up the history of artists, musicians, and writers, you'd see some pretty extreme stuff in their history that came out after they died. Genius is tied a bit to madness or left-of-center, it seems.
I also agree that people should be open about it in a relationship.
Back to this "Fart fetish"... I was thinking about this the other day and was wondering if they hang around the pharmacy section of stores near the "GasX" display? Maybe meet the person of their dreams there?
I know that people with a foot fetish have been known to work at shoe stores in the past. (When the shoe salesman would put the shoes on your feet for you.)
I have to comment on the fact that fetishes are sad.
I don't think they are. Everyone has a kink, everyone has something that turns them on. Most men are into breasts, that's a fetish. Just because it isn't abnormal doesn't mean it can't be classified as a fetish any less than, say, a foot or hand fetish.
I agree that there are some sick things out there, but not every person who is into those things is a sick person. If you look up the history of artists, musicians, and writers, you'd see some pretty extreme stuff in their history that came out after they died. Genius is tied a bit to madness or left-of-center, it seems.
I also agree that people should be open about it in a relationship.
Late reply, but this is not a fetish. Breasts are sex objects, despite having another purpose (breastfeeding).
A fetish is being turned on by something that is not even remotely sexual, like feet or other body parts, particular clothing, an environmental setting, certain mannerisms, whispering or other sounds, etc.
I have to wonder what motivated the resurrection of this thread from 2014 just to argue about whether a love of breasts is a fetish.
I make no secret of the fact that I'm a practitioner of BDSM, involved in a community centered around it, and in fact was part of the leadership of a fairly prominent club (prominent, at least, for a mid sized city...we did have some prestigious sponsorships and such going for us.) And I think that a lot of folks would like for there to be an easy answer to this, but I don't think that there is one.
I don't define a "fetish" as something designed to other those "weird" people and differentiate them from the mainstream. If one adheres to that kind of logic, then something like a typical body part of the gender that one prefers sexually would not be a fetish, because "sex objects." But I would say that anyone who is so hung up on the specs of a particular body part that they will reject a possible partner (of the gender that they typically are attracted to) because they're not up to par in that specific way... Yeah, I do think of that as a fetish.
So a man appreciating breasts in a general kind of way, maybe not, one assumes that he would not be satisfied simply to date a mannequin to which he'd attached squishy implants to play with. But if, say, a man was SO hung up on them being a very specific size or shape....yeah. Fetish territory. Just like women who are "size queens." Even if it's a matter of what feels good for them, it's still very specific and if it makes or breaks attraction, I'm calling it a fetish.
People on the other hand who are in the community and who embrace the whole thing, rather than seeing it as undesirable to have fetishes, are much more liberal in interpretation of the word. They would use it to describe anything they really like. Their favorite color or food, basically anything that gives them even the slightest hit of happy-brain. And also a whole bunch of things that are more jokes than serious.
From a mental health perspective, just like a lot of things, in questioning if a thing is healthy or is not... What matters are questions like:
- Does it interfere with the life that the person wants to live?
- Does it cause them distress?
- Do they feel that they have no control over it? (Can they stop if they want, or do they feel compulsion?)
- Does it negatively affect their self esteem or self image (shame?)
- Does it cause problems in their relationships? (Not just sexually, but undesirable family rejection etc)
- Does it cause harm or serious risk of harm, with no way to reasonably mitigate it? Does it drive the person to risky behavior with a lack of care or caution?
- Does it harm or violate others? Including everything from serious physical damage to consent violation?
^ That's where the problems lie. ^
But there are PLENTY of ways to do unusual things sexually that will satisfy even some of the most taboo of turn ons, that don't cross any of those lines. It's part of why communities exist, to educate people on how to enjoy what they enjoy, safely and without harming themselves or others, and with a solid ethical framework.
I mean, there are plenty of unusual things that I enjoy in and out of the bedroom. Most people don't, but I see no reason that I should care about that. I experience no feelings of shame. None of it interferes with my ability to live a highly functional life. My husband and I are compatible in these things, it causes neither of us any distress. But it's not always about what pushes my buttons for sexual gratification, not by a long shot. I mean, I like to set my friends on fire for fun because it's showy, it's a party trick...I do this at fetish parties, but no one is necessarily "getting off on it" in the way that anyone would suppose.
Lots of people do unusual things for lots of reasons. My favorite friends have always been deviants. I honestly cannot imagine having a desire to surround oneself with bland, vanilla, "not into anything weird" people. Seems like it would be boring as hell.... But as long as you're not harming anyone, ya know, whatever floats your boat!
I have to wonder what motivated the resurrection of this thread from 2014 just to argue about whether a love of breasts is a fetish.
I make no secret of the fact that I'm a practitioner of BDSM, involved in a community centered around it, and in fact was part of the leadership of a fairly prominent club (prominent, at least, for a mid sized city...we did have some prestigious sponsorships and such going for us.) And I think that a lot of folks would like for there to be an easy answer to this, but I don't think that there is one.
I don't define a "fetish" as something designed to other those "weird" people and differentiate them from the mainstream. If one adheres to that kind of logic, then something like a typical body part of the gender that one prefers sexually would not be a fetish, because "sex objects." But I would say that anyone who is so hung up on the specs of a particular body part that they will reject a possible partner (of the gender that they typically are attracted to) because they're not up to par in that specific way... Yeah, I do think of that as a fetish.
So a man appreciating breasts in a general kind of way, maybe not, one assumes that he would not be satisfied simply to date a mannequin to which he'd attached squishy implants to play with. But if, say, a man was SO hung up on them being a very specific size or shape....yeah. Fetish territory. Just like women who are "size queens." Even if it's a matter of what feels good for them, it's still very specific and if it makes or breaks attraction, I'm calling it a fetish.
People on the other hand who are in the community and who embrace the whole thing, rather than seeing it as undesirable to have fetishes, are much more liberal in interpretation of the word. They would use it to describe anything they really like. Their favorite color or food, basically anything that gives them even the slightest hit of happy-brain. And also a whole bunch of things that are more jokes than serious.
From a mental health perspective, just like a lot of things, in questioning if a thing is healthy or is not... What matters are questions like:
- Does it interfere with the life that the person wants to live?
- Does it cause them distress?
- Do they feel that they have no control over it? (Can they stop if they want, or do they feel compulsion?)
- Does it negatively affect their self esteem or self image (shame?)
- Does it cause problems in their relationships? (Not just sexually, but undesirable family rejection etc)
- Does it cause harm or serious risk of harm, with no way to reasonably mitigate it? Does it drive the person to risky behavior with a lack of care or caution?
- Does it harm or violate others? Including everything from serious physical damage to consent violation?
^ That's where the problems lie. ^
But there are PLENTY of ways to do unusual things sexually that will satisfy even some of the most taboo of turn ons, that don't cross any of those lines. It's part of why communities exist, to educate people on how to enjoy what they enjoy, safely and without harming themselves or others, and with a solid ethical framework.
I mean, there are plenty of unusual things that I enjoy in and out of the bedroom. Most people don't, but I see no reason that I should care about that. I experience no feelings of shame. None of it interferes with my ability to live a highly functional life. My husband and I are compatible in these things, it causes neither of us any distress. But it's not always about what pushes my buttons for sexual gratification, not by a long shot. I mean, I like to set my friends on fire for fun because it's showy, it's a party trick...I do this at fetish parties, but no one is necessarily "getting off on it" in the way that anyone would suppose.
Lots of people do unusual things for lots of reasons. My favorite friends have always been deviants. I honestly cannot imagine having a desire to surround oneself with bland, vanilla, "not into anything weird" people. Seems like it would be boring as hell.... But as long as you're not harming anyone, ya know, whatever floats your boat!
If your comment is serious, then it's backed by assumptions. Such as the one where someone is actually sustaining injuries from the process. They are not.
Which points to the fact that a lot of people who show up to point to a thing and say, "That is weird! I judge! There should be a law against it!" are operating from a place of ignorance, speaking before they know much about the subject. Ignorance is, fortunately, a curable condition, though most who embrace it would rather not be cured.
Fire play is a very specialized thing involving a lot of safety equipment and training. Which I have, and use. Just like people who breathe fireballs or spin poi. No one should be doing any of it without said training and safety provisions.
But it would also be fair to point to a deviant's habit of making provocative statements that practically lay bait for assumptions and alarm... "I set my friends on fire" does sound pretty alarming, no? I assure you, I do not mean that nasty thing of lighting up a passed out drunk person in a way likely to injure them. Hey come on, I respect consent! And I generally have a full dance card of sober people who want to strip and have me do tricks with isopropyl, mousse, cups and flash cotton on them. It doesn't hurt. If it did, no one would let me do it, let alone ask me to, because I'd be doing it very, very wrong.
It is not by far the most dangerous thing at a typical party. Actually what is really dangerous, is rope. Statistically by far the most likely thing to cause unintentional injury or death, even in a community where play with fire, electricity, hot wax, needles, knives, whips, and a variety of hitty-pokey implements is common.
Thing is, those into the really "weird" stuff, who are weird enough to be willing to go to parties and learn stuff, know a thing or two about safer practices...as opposed to the relatively vanilla person just trying to "spice things up" in the bedroom who gives his poor wife permanent nerve damage or the guy who is too ashamed to let anybody know that he's into restraint and keeps it a big secret until he's found dead or injured from his own solo experiments.
If you're gonna be weird, ya better be smart about it, I say.
I'm gonna refocus for a second on the PSYCHOLOGY angle of this.
What is it, psychologically, that makes some people content with a very traditional life full of traditionally "normal" milestones and activities, and "normal" friends... And makes other people want to do less "normal" (common) things?
I have known people who have never moved from the town where they were born. I have known others who went backpacking across Europe, and a few who live entirely nomadic lifestyles of constant travel and no permanent roots at all.
Why? I don't know.
I've known people who take great pleasure in just the most "normal" of sexual activity, and I've known people who want adventure in that area...I've known a few who didn't want to have sex at all (and some of them are actually into kink in a completely non-sexual way!) Why? I don't know.
What drives a desire for novelty, versus one for comfortable normalcy? Or is that even the case? Maybe my wandering friend feels most secure with no other people placing ties or claims upon her. Maybe she finds security and comfort in constant change.
One observation in the community of which I have spoken, is that the people there may not be quite as wild as you'd think. We often have far more strict personal boundaries, for instance, requiring more frank discussion ("negotiation") around sex and relationships...being part of social groups where the rule stands that no one may touch you, even for a friendly hug, without asking for permission. That is a very common one. People are often willing to do things that many would not, but it is all so very much "on one's own terms." At least, it's what these groups strive for.
I acknowledge that I am something of a control freak in my own life. I like to have careful plans, to have a sense of ownership over what is happening in my life. I might want to go on a trip to an exotic destination, but only because I will have carefully researched each step of my travel, I know where the rental car counter is in my destination airport, I know where the parking is and what it costs at the activity that I'm going to, I have even looked at the menus online of the restaurants in the area, so I know where to find food that I will like.
That is a great analogy for the appeal of this community to me. You can try all of these wild things, but it's all carefully controlled and planned and discussed. I really found "mainstream" dating to be a lot scarier, when I was single following my divorce. Because when you met someone on a dating site, you never knew what they might really be like. There's all this freewheeling assumption making, game playing stuff going on. Not to mention lack of regard for consent, like the guy who might hear me talk about exhibitionism...I mean at a party where everyone has consented to see things, he was thinking, in a public place where you risk being "caught." That's the kind of vanilla interpretation of kink things that horrifies me, I would never violate the consent of random people in public like that!
For a lot of (lol) "deviants" like me... It's like roller coasters. You want to feel that illusion of danger, but it does need to only be an illusion. It's only a good thrill if you know you're not really going to get seriously hurt or dead from it.
I have to wonder what motivated the resurrection of this thread from 2014 just to argue about whether a love of breasts is a fetish.
I make no secret of the fact that I'm a practitioner of BDSM, involved in a community centered around it, and in fact was part of the leadership of a fairly prominent club (prominent, at least, for a mid sized city...we did have some prestigious sponsorships and such going for us.) And I think that a lot of folks would like for there to be an easy answer to this, but I don't think that there is one.
I don't define a "fetish" as something designed to other those "weird" people and differentiate them from the mainstream. If one adheres to that kind of logic, then something like a typical body part of the gender that one prefers sexually would not be a fetish, because "sex objects." But I would say that anyone who is so hung up on the specs of a particular body part that they will reject a possible partner (of the gender that they typically are attracted to) because they're not up to par in that specific way... Yeah, I do think of that as a fetish.
So a man appreciating breasts in a general kind of way, maybe not, one assumes that he would not be satisfied simply to date a mannequin to which he'd attached squishy implants to play with. But if, say, a man was SO hung up on them being a very specific size or shape....yeah. Fetish territory. Just like women who are "size queens." Even if it's a matter of what feels good for them, it's still very specific and if it makes or breaks attraction, I'm calling it a fetish.
People on the other hand who are in the community and who embrace the whole thing, rather than seeing it as undesirable to have fetishes, are much more liberal in interpretation of the word. They would use it to describe anything they really like. Their favorite color or food, basically anything that gives them even the slightest hit of happy-brain. And also a whole bunch of things that are more jokes than serious.
From a mental health perspective, just like a lot of things, in questioning if a thing is healthy or is not... What matters are questions like:
- Does it interfere with the life that the person wants to live?
- Does it cause them distress?
- Do they feel that they have no control over it? (Can they stop if they want, or do they feel compulsion?)
- Does it negatively affect their self esteem or self image (shame?)
- Does it cause problems in their relationships? (Not just sexually, but undesirable family rejection etc)
- Does it cause harm or serious risk of harm, with no way to reasonably mitigate it? Does it drive the person to risky behavior with a lack of care or caution?
- Does it harm or violate others? Including everything from serious physical damage to consent violation?
^ That's where the problems lie. ^
But there are PLENTY of ways to do unusual things sexually that will satisfy even some of the most taboo of turn ons, that don't cross any of those lines. It's part of why communities exist, to educate people on how to enjoy what they enjoy, safely and without harming themselves or others, and with a solid ethical framework.
I mean, there are plenty of unusual things that I enjoy in and out of the bedroom. Most people don't, but I see no reason that I should care about that. I experience no feelings of shame. None of it interferes with my ability to live a highly functional life. My husband and I are compatible in these things, it causes neither of us any distress. But it's not always about what pushes my buttons for sexual gratification, not by a long shot. I mean, I like to set my friends on fire for fun because it's showy, it's a party trick...I do this at fetish parties, but no one is necessarily "getting off on it" in the way that anyone would suppose.
Lots of people do unusual things for lots of reasons. My favorite friends have always been deviants. I honestly cannot imagine having a desire to surround oneself with bland, vanilla, "not into anything weird" people. Seems like it would be boring as hell.... But as long as you're not harming anyone, ya know, whatever floats your boat!
Many years ago, "Joy of Sex" put a lot of the puritanical nonsense about sex to rest. IMO, the book needs to be required reading for anyone studying first year psychology.
Tattoos and piercings are part of the continuum of sexuality, but if you phrase those differently you can have many of the same "disgusted" reactions. For instance, if I said I was going to take my pre-teen daughter to a public place where she could have holes pierced in her body while others watched, I can hear the shudders reverberating, and the calls to child protective services and the police being made. If I instead said that my daughter and I were going to the mall to get her ears pierced, that would be considered a nice gift by a parent.
The key in any sexual behavior is INFORMED consent between adults capable of consent. Anything less is assault.
Something that needs to be put to rest is the old "Marijuana is a gateway drug" type of nonsense. When repressed urges (of any type) are expressed they can grow or extinguish or remain the same or they can morph into something entirely different. Example; many people have intentionally broken dishes as a satisfying method of relieving intense frustration. How many people can you list who have gone on from breaking a couple of dishes to destroying kitchens? The idea of a spiral into debauchery is an easy way of playing the power-over game of superiority without having any knowledge. Some people who drink alcohol will become alcoholics. The vast majority don't. Some people with licenses to drive autos will crash and kill someone. Most won't. Most people who play with sexuality do so within the bounds that they find comfortable. Some get bored, some continue to find the activities interesting, and some want more.
What I found hilarious about the kerfuffle over "Fifty Shades of Gray" was that the titillation of the bondage theme was in fact a cover for the larger (societally accepted) perversion of the intense sexual drawing power of extreme wealth and willingness to debase to be around that attractor.
(After reading your post, I may never listen to one of the Door's songs the same way again...)
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