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I think that there is a line between being assertive and being an a---hole.
When I was younger, I used to be a doormat and get taken advantage of. Now, if I sense that someone is taking advantage of me, I just don't have anything to do with them anymore.
When my daughter was born, I had to force myself to become more assertive because I wanted to be a good role model to her. She would listen to me talk on the phone when dealing with a company so I knew that I had to be able to speak up and assert myself. Believe me, she was paying close attention.
Yet, as another poster pointed out very well, there are times when some idiot annoys you and you have to let it go. For example, we just came back from a city vacation and my husband was getting angry with idiotic people. One day he told some idiot who was jaywalking and almost got hit by a truck that the guy was "an idiot". I had to tell my husband that, yes, there are idiots out there but some of them are not stable people and he could find himself getting hurt. Sure, he was ticked off but somethings you have to let slide.
This has been the case with me as well. I was painfully shy when i was younger, quiet and afraid to speak up. Now, I've learned to be assertive when needed and hold my ground. I can chew out a rude or incompetent service rep and have gotten companies to compensate me for their mistakes when they tried to get out of it at first, or the firm and cold 'EXCUSE ME, I was in line' when someone tries to cut in line for example. I don't act rude though, I've mastered the very polite but cold tone of voice and always use civil language and I find people respond to that much better than rudeness and obnoxiousness.
For things or people that irritate me but that I don't feel like I have a right to say anything about, like someone invading personal space or being a slowpoke at the checkout line or something, I'll often give a cold glare, or roll my eyes and sigh loudly. I'm usually always nice to waiters, cashiers, etc, even if they make a mistake, as long as they're being nice about it and not obviously rude. If they are rude, AND they screw up, then I will let them hear it.
Maybe you just need to find your middle ground. You were on one extreme when younger as a doormat and now you are nearing the other extreme. It's good to know how and when to be both ways but best to be in the middle day-to-day.
I actually used to be opposite. Was always getting into random confrontations when I was in my teens and early 20s and then started to mellow out, although it does still happen but only if the other person is a total a-hole. And where I live now it is pretty impossible to be short-fused or impatient because people just don't respond to that attitude. However, when I visit Southern California (where I'm from), I find I have to be much more assertive to get things done. People seem to respond better to that over there. Here I would be ignored or become an outcast lol. So I guess there is a time and place for everything.
You have to find a balance. I think some who were "walked on" in the past try to subconsciously make up for it by becoming aggressive a--holes. They do not distinguish aggressive from assertive. You don't need to prove your new self to strangers. If the other party was ignorant in the first place, "going off on them" isn't going to make much of a difference. It's not like they're going to say "oh yeah, you're right, I was wrong, I'm sorry." You'd be wasting your breath and looking as big a fool as the first one. Recently I've learned a good way to cope is to do something good when someone does something bad (that is if the "something bad" is minor, not intentional or repeated crimes and abuse). Another thing is you can say more by saying less, if you know what I mean--not entirely keep silent but bring up the matter calmly. Shouting and raging attracts negativity to you and you could get blamed for things you didn't do, or at least look suspicious for them. I'm speaking from experience, this is still a struggle for me like it is for everyone else on this thread.
I just feel like it takes less and less for me to go off on someone. Before, people would walk all over me. Now I will be the first to escalate something if I feel someone gave me a hint of disrespect.
It sounds like you are under a lot of stress. Either your job is not what you want, or someone else in your life is annoying you to the point that you have less patience for others. Been there, done that. You need to think about all the entities in your life - employer, co-workers, family, friends, etc and try to pin down just who it is that's causing you grief. Maybe all of them - but some more than others, so find out who.
I think that de-stressing is the only thing that will turn this around. This is NOT an age thing. Yes, stress can be cumulative, in that years of it can mount. Being that annoyed with other people is not normal, esp if it's becoming constant. You likely feel that someone, in some situation, is taking advantage of you.
I remember I used to be the type of person who took a lot of crap from people. People would disrespect me, I would not react, and they continued to do it. This happened throughout childhood and it continued into adolescence and into my early 20s. I am close to being 30 now and because of this, my patience with people is getting shorter by the day.
It's like if I am at the store and something goes wrong, I start going off on people. I haven't gotten to the point I yell, but I feel I'm getting close. It's like with time I just feel as if people are stupid and it needs to be pointed out. I then realize later that I may have gone too far, but that's not often. Often times I feel like I was probably too easy on them and didn't do enough. But as time goes by, my reaction time to people doing something that bothers me gets shorter and shorter.
The thing is, I notice that people in later ages tend to be like this, too. I feel like it's an old man thing. Old men just don't seem to give a crap and if something is pissing them off, they let it be known and don't care to spare feelings.
Is this a result of getting old? When I was younger I would just let it go but it would eat me up inside. Now I just let it OUT and I feel better. Like the other day I was at a restaurant and they cleared me plate before I finished it and I went off on the manager. In this situation I felt like I went too far but yet I know I would feel worse if I let it go. Other times I'll just be quick with a smart comment to someone I feel is acting stupid. I definitely feel this is more of an old man trait; you don't see too many younger people engaging in this kind of activity. Do you any of you find your patience decrease over time?
I know some people who seem to have the patience of a sloth and I can't see how. It's like something that would make me berserk makes them react by simply saying a simple sentence of "I can't believe this." I used to do that and I would just be even more mad later. I feel it's good to just let it out so long as you don't hurt anyone.
I don't think it's age. I'm in my 40' and I think many are just getting sick and tired of how some people are. I know for myself, I've learned to pick my battles because I have no tolerance for nonsense or stupidity or anyone who refuses to use basic common sense. There's too many self centered people out there that have no consideration for others. I can easily flip out at times but I have days where I have to let things go. Depends on the situation. One of my biggest peeves is when I'm at a restaurant or catering hall, whether it be a party or just dining, when a server takes a plate or glass without asking and my fork and knife are not resting in the plate to indicate I'm done. There were times I got really witchy about it because to me it shows they don't train people correctly or that those people don't use common sense/courtesy. My other peeve is line cutters. Yeah, I don't keep my mouth shut. Their time isn't more valuable than mine and I don't give into anyone who thinks they're self entitled (I'm not talking about eldery or handicapped).
I don't think it's age. I'm in my 40' and I think many are just getting sick and tired of how some people are.One of my biggest peeves is when I'm at a restaurant or catering hall, whether it be a party or just dining, when a server takes a plate or glass without asking and my fork and knife are not resting in the plate to indicate I'm done. There were times I got really witchy about it because to me it shows they don't train people correctly or that those people don't use common sense/courtesy.
My other peeve is line cutters. Yeah, I don't keep my mouth shut. Their time isn't more valuable than mine and I don't give into anyone who thinks they're self entitled (I'm not talking about eldery or handicapped).
Wait, what?
The fork and knife thing? OMG I can't even remember caring I just signal the server that I'm not finished but they usually ASK, they just don't SWOOP DOWN and grab your plate LOL.
LINE CUTTER? Gurl where are you going? Do you mean people who start their own line when you're already waiting? Like at Walgreens? Or are you going to concerts where there's massive crowds etc. I'm from Philly and used to massive lines say, for hockey games at the concession or whatever.
The Walgreens example? That's pretty easy, you just say "The line is HERE" and point behind you.
I'm not being sarcastic when I say I think you should get your blood pressure taken, like buy a machine and learn how and do it CORRECTLY for a month. AND I think you should get your thyroid checked. A FULL PANEL not just a quick screening.
LOL this DOES remind me though, of a senior citizen who was shopping in my store when I was turning 40 and complaining about it. She advised me "HEY, no, being older is great everybody expects you to be grouchy and annoying so they either help you faster or put up with you."
The fork and knife thing? OMG I can't even remember caring I just signal the server that I'm not finished but they usually ASK, they just don't SWOOP DOWN and grab your plate LOL.
LINE CUTTER? Gurl where are you going? Do you mean people who start their own line when you're already waiting? Like at Walgreens? Or are you going to concerts where there's massive crowds etc. I'm from Philly and used to massive lines say, for hockey games at the concession or whatever.
The Walgreens example? That's pretty easy, you just say "The line is HERE" and point behind you.
I'm not being sarcastic when I say I think you should get your blood pressure taken, like buy a machine and learn how and do it CORRECTLY for a month. AND I think you should get your thyroid checked. A FULL PANEL not just a quick screening.
LOL this DOES remind me though, of a senior citizen who was shopping in my store when I was turning 40 and complaining about it. She advised me "HEY, no, being older is great everybody expects you to be grouchy and annoying so they either help you faster or put up with you."
Knife and fork is the CORRECT way to indicate that you're done. So taking someone's plate while they're still eating is not a big deal to you? If I turn and talk to someone next to me, the server has no business taking my plate or half glass of beverage without asking. I've been to several functions at catering halls where the servers just took the plates. Had I not said "Hey, I'm not done", they would have walked away with it.
When I talk about line cutters, I mean it whether it's at the store or waiting for the bus. Did I not say that I don't keep my mouth shut? I tell them there's a line. The point is that there's way too many people walking around in a bubble thinking they can get away with whatever they want.
My blood pressure is fine, tyvm and I didn't ask for advice. The OP asked a question and I provided my experiences or personal peeves. There is no black and white. There is no right or wrong. When people don't use basic common sense or walk around like they're the only special snowflakes in the world, someone needs to give them a nudge, capicse?
I readily admit that I'm not a "people person", but I believe that our ability to handle difficult people improves with age, simply because those situations in which your patience is likely to be challenged become easier to sidestep, or at least to recognize and defuse.
But there's a negative to this; a couple of years ago I worked in a regional office during the 2010 Census; nobody liked dealing with the issues that came from the "outside" phones, but we all had to take a turn at it sooner or later. One afternoon, I had to deal with both a distraught Mom, whose toddler was apparently frightened by the field rep's aggressive knock on the door, and the rep himself who, to put it bluntly, could have used a lesson or two in tact.
Later that day, I overheard the supe commenting on my actions, and suggesting I might be suited for that role on a permanent basis,
Now that I'm older I just enjoy messing around with people more. I can read people better, too. I know when giving them an "aw shucks" routine will make them ashamed, when being snooty and aloof will enrage them, and when screaming at them unexpectedly will make them wet their pants. I've got a good psycho Christopher Walken act too which seems to freak out wannabe tough guys. Being a big huge scary looking dude seems to help, though. The downside is once you get a certain age, I'd say around 35, you basically stop being a target so opportunities for goofing on people become few and far between.
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and I didn't ask for advice. The OP asked a question and I provided my experiences or personal peeves. There is no black and white. There is no right or wrong. When people don't use basic common sense or walk around like they're the only special snowflakes in the world, someone needs to give them a nudge, capicse?
