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I purposely posted this here and not in the relationships forum because I want it viewed from a psychology / behavior point of view.
Been dating this girl for almost 2 years, we live together now, for about 8 months.
We are both in our mid 30's. She is absolutely awful with time management. When we were first dating, I did not realize the scope of how bad it was, but since living together, it's become painfully obvious. She is an introvert (INFP).
I need to give some history. We live in a major metro area of Raleigh, NC, but lived on opposite sides of town. She lived about 45-55 minutes away from work. So her routine was to wake up at 6:00 to be to work by 8:00, and she would leave work by 6 to be home by 7. After a month or so, I started staying over a couple nights a week, she would sometimes stay at my place. Eventually one of us was staying at each others house every night. We would do stuff out, make dinner, go out to eat, or do something fun or just chill and watch tv or movies. Sometimes she would have to take work home to finish by morning. Sometimes time sensitive stuff. She also has a hobby that takes a couple nights a week of her time, sometimes she has little projects or tasks to do for the league too.
I noticed at times, she would be preoccupied with her phone, doing facebook or texting friends, or pinterest or whatever it is women do on the web. I also noticed that when she was working at home, she was having a very time focusing. She would be VERY easy to interrupt, like when her phone beeped, or if she got a facebook message. She would stop, spend a couple minutes responding, or reading that, or whatever.
Everything was fine though in our relationship. Sex life was good, we both fell in love quite hard for each other. Because of that, I tended to overlook certain behavioral aspects of her that quite honestly are flaws. I need to elaborate of them.
When we first started dating, I always met her out somewhere, or she came over to my house to "go out", I did not see her apartment for over a month after we started dating. The first time I went there was kind of on accident. We were going to an outdoor event near her house, and it started raining so we went to her place. It was quite a mess inside. She was embarrassed. But I was in love, and overlooked it.
She cleaned it up, but it was always a struggle for her to keep it clean. She always was complaining about "not enough hours in the day". However, looking back, it was a conscious choice of her to not clean up, but rather look at pinterest or facebook or reading books.
She also stays up late. Like midnight every night. When we were first dating, alot of those late nights was "sex time". But as time goes by, on nights we arent having sex, she stays up late online or reading. I like to go to bed together, so as a result, I end up staying up late. I have to get up at 5:30, so 5-5.5 hours of sleep on weeknights has been my thing for the last 2 years.
Despite this, about 9 months ago, I asked her to move in with me. We had basically been living together in one place or another for a few months anyway. My house is 10 minutes from where she works, so I thought it would have the added benefit for her of having more personal time to catch up on reading, or "her time". She could also get more sleep in the morning because of getting up later and being so close to work.
And it worked out like that fine for a while, but the longer we have lived together, the more time she has spent online. She has always taken long showers and taken a long time to get ready, but it's gotten to be that it takes her 2 hours and 15 minutes from the time she wakes up until she is at work, including a 10 minute commute. It's gotten real bad lately. To the point that this week after dinner, she told me that she wanted to start showering at night. I then asked her if she was going to get more sleep. She told me no. I know she's not working out, and I know she's not doing household stuff. I know she's facebooking.
I have confronted her a couple times about this, and each time it does not go well. She takes my questioning the time dedicated to the internet vs the time she does ANYTHING ELSE, as a direct attack on her. I have suggested she see a doctor or psychologist about her ADD and she wont.
It's gotten to the point that I cannot overlook it anymore. This showering at night thing has affected me pretty badly. It's put a big damper on night activities, caused her (both of us) to go to bed later, for instance after 1am last night.
All this stuff has ripple effects.
I have suggested she seek help, but wont. I'm asking here if there is anything I can do.
I love her dearly, and I truthfully believe she loves me as much, but I can't make her see what she is doing to both herself and our relationship.
I purposely posted this here and not in the relationships forum because I want it viewed from a psychology / behavior point of view.
Been dating this girl for almost 2 years, we live together now, for about 8 months.
We are both in our mid 30's. She is absolutely awful with time management. When we were first dating, I did not realize the scope of how bad it was, but since living together, it's become painfully obvious. She is an introvert (INFP).
I need to give some history. We live in a major metro area of Raleigh, NC, but lived on opposite sides of town. She lived about 45-55 minutes away from work. So her routine was to wake up at 6:00 to be to work by 8:00, and she would leave work by 6 to be home by 7. After a month or so, I started staying over a couple nights a week, she would sometimes stay at my place. Eventually one of us was staying at each others house every night. We would do stuff out, make dinner, go out to eat, or do something fun or just chill and watch tv or movies. Sometimes she would have to take work home to finish by morning. Sometimes time sensitive stuff. She also has a hobby that takes a couple nights a week of her time, sometimes she has little projects or tasks to do for the league too.
I noticed at times, she would be preoccupied with her phone, doing facebook or texting friends, or pinterest or whatever it is women do on the web. I also noticed that when she was working at home, she was having a very time focusing. She would be VERY easy to interrupt, like when her phone beeped, or if she got a facebook message. She would stop, spend a couple minutes responding, or reading that, or whatever.
Everything was fine though in our relationship. Sex life was good, we both fell in love quite hard for each other. Because of that, I tended to overlook certain behavioral aspects of her that quite honestly are flaws. I need to elaborate of them.
When we first started dating, I always met her out somewhere, or she came over to my house to "go out", I did not see her apartment for over a month after we started dating. The first time I went there was kind of on accident. We were going to an outdoor event near her house, and it started raining so we went to her place. It was quite a mess inside. She was embarrassed. But I was in love, and overlooked it.
She cleaned it up, but it was always a struggle for her to keep it clean. She always was complaining about "not enough hours in the day". However, looking back, it was a conscious choice of her to not clean up, but rather look at pinterest or facebook or reading books.
She also stays up late. Like midnight every night. When we were first dating, alot of those late nights was "sex time". But as time goes by, on nights we arent having sex, she stays up late online or reading. I like to go to bed together, so as a result, I end up staying up late. I have to get up at 5:30, so 5-5.5 hours of sleep on weeknights has been my thing for the last 2 years.
Despite this, about 9 months ago, I asked her to move in with me. We had basically been living together in one place or another for a few months anyway. My house is 10 minutes from where she works, so I thought it would have the added benefit for her of having more personal time to catch up on reading, or "her time". She could also get more sleep in the morning because of getting up later and being so close to work.
And it worked out like that fine for a while, but the longer we have lived together, the more time she has spent online. She has always taken long showers and taken a long time to get ready, but it's gotten to be that it takes her 2 hours and 15 minutes from the time she wakes up until she is at work, including a 10 minute commute. It's gotten real bad lately. To the point that this week after dinner, she told me that she wanted to start showering at night. I then asked her if she was going to get more sleep. She told me no. I know she's not working out, and I know she's not doing household stuff. I know she's facebooking.
I have confronted her a couple times about this, and each time it does not go well. She takes my questioning the time dedicated to the internet vs the time she does ANYTHING ELSE, as a direct attack on her. I have suggested she see a doctor or psychologist about her ADD and she wont.
It's gotten to the point that I cannot overlook it anymore. This showering at night thing has affected me pretty badly. It's put a big damper on night activities, caused her (both of us) to go to bed later, for instance after 1am last night.
All this stuff has ripple effects.
I have suggested she seek help, but wont. I'm asking here if there is anything I can do.
I love her dearly, and I truthfully believe she loves me as much, but I can't make her see what she is doing to both herself and our relationship.
I think if she loves you, you are very lucky. She might not be great with time management, but I think you are no prize yourself.
First, 2 hours to get ready and get to work is nothing. Many women spend that much time or longer. What business is it of yours, anyway? I get up at 5, extra early, so I can have plenty of time to relax in the morning, check email, FB, the news, whatever, drink coffee, and still put on makeup and do my hair and make sure my clothes look good. That's how I like to start my day. Women have a lot more to do in the morning than men - hair and makeup alone takes 30 minutes, and the clothes are just more complicated. But I don't really see why this is a problem for you. Why can't she manage her mornings the way she wants to?
Second, if she wants to shower at night, so what? Showering at night makes my morning SO much easier. I imagine it makes hers easier too. Doing female hair after a shower takes a long time. What do you care what she's doing with her time in the morning? Is she not allowed to be an adult and do what she wants with her free time because she is dating you?
I can't understand why you think she should change her daily lifestyle because it's not how you live your life. Why is it any of your business if she wants to FB in her spare time? You sound like an unreasonable and controlling person. Why should she have to answer to you for every minute of her day?
She doesn't need help - you do. You sound downright nutty. Maybe this post was a joke?
You're basically complaining about every little thing and want to completely control every aspect of her daily life. That's nuts. If you want to go to bed, go to bed. She is not forcing you to stay up. If you want her to go to be earlier so you can be together, then ask nicely instead of accusing her of doing something awful because she likes to go to bed later than you like to go to bed.
I think this relationship is not going to last long.
My husband and I have similar issue. He is very good with time & likes to get them done. I on the other hand am like your gf, I take my time, there isn't enough time in day.. I waste lot of time & I am always late. At first my poor time management would bother my husband but he wasn't the type to speak up. But being with him, I noticed how messed up my time was & I slowly tried improving it.
My main issue, similar to your gf, I wasted lot of time "browsing/relaxing" (yes pinterest & facebook are ways for us to relax just like sleeping or watching sport is for guys). I use to waste time at work doing these "relaxing" task & that would cause me to take work home or go home late. I am slowly trying to fix myself. But I also realize that people who manage time are not that amazing either. For example, the reason my husband manages time so well is because he doesn't fill up his plate with activities like I do. I get involved in every ones life, take up activities & then I can't manage them all and fall behind. In contrast, he finishes the very little he set out to do & then relaxes in bed by taking nap & spends hours watching sports on tv.
My husband stopped getting annoyed by my "time wasting" habit once I pointed out my pinterest, phone call, facebook are equal to him watching hours of sports. Different people have different way of relaxing. Once we both realize we are different & can not be like each other, we don't notice our flaws anymore. Although I have made some improvement with my time management & focus because I need to, I am no where near my husbands life style.
You have to accept your gf as she is, not impose your life style on her. Realize you have ways of wasting time too, it might be better managed (i.e you work hard all day and then play in evening vs. your gf might like to break up her play session all throughout the day even at the cost of dragging out her work).
As someone who has pretty severe ADD, I don't really see the problem - she seems to be handling it pretty well and has her life together overall. You seem to be more of an issue than her. I know lots of people - men and women - who keep a similar schedule to hers and don't have ADD. As for being messy, well hire a cleaning service or schedule some time to clean together and make it a couple thing.
And YOU are the one who likes to "go to bed together" - that's on you, dude. Not everyone feels the same and expecting her to conform to your schedule is just bizarre and controlling.
When I read the start of this post, I was expecting to read about a woman who was in danger of being fired, was lashing out and blaming others for her failings, was treating others rudely by interrupting them or forgetting about commitments. Instead, I read about a woman who isn't keeping to her boyfriend's preferred schedule.
You are being WAY too controlling and you're using her ADD to excuse your own behavior.
When I got married, it wasn't for her cooking .... And I was the one with ADD!
The other posters are right. Embrace your love for each other but otherwise let her be.
I was like you in that I always wanted us to go to bed together. She on the other hand would suddenly get all housekeeping crazy. I would wait up for her and it drove me scatty but I wanted us to go to bed together. Eventually I realized I should just go to bed and sleep. Was I wrong? Are you wrong? I don't know. I don't think so.
All I can suggest is to embrace the love you have for each other and to cherish her. You might find out how much you really loved her once she is lost. Don't make the same mistakes I did.
I like to go to bed together, so as a result, I end up staying up late. I have to get up at 5:30, so 5-5.5 hours of sleep on weeknights has been my thing for the last 2 years.
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You are not going to "fix" her. She is deeply hardwired the way she is, as all of us are deeply hardwired as either focused and efficient, or scattered and distractible.
Thing is, couples of the opposite types can indeed thrive together, complimenting one another.
You have to accept her as she is, and adapt around her way of being.
You may have it in your mind that going to bed at the same hour is somehow necessary. That is part of your and my hard-edged, efficient, orderly way of being: Couples go to bed and sleep at the same time.
But ask yourself: Is that really true? Is is healthy for each of you? It's obviously not healthy for you!
*If* you can let her be herself and operate on different schedules, then things can work out. *If* -- in your heart of hearts -- cannot accept that she operates on a different cycle and has different priorities, then you are banging your head against the wall. And it won't get any better.
More important questions are how well she functions in her life as a whole.
Is she doing well in her career, or does she have problems with tardiness, missing work, negative performance reviews, or over the top workplace drama?
Are her social interactions with her own family, friends, acquaintances etc strained by conflict, disappointment, awkwardness and hyperbolic drama?
If she manages to hold things together well at her own pace, with her own priorities, in her own life then she is just different from you and those like us.
Is she overall fairly happy and even tempered, or is she coming apart at the seams with stress?
If she holds it all together and is successful at life at her own pace, with her own priorities, then she is indeed functioning well and is simply very different from us.
You and I, the orderly and efficient, have to be true to our own selves and take care of our own health and life challenges. If that means going to bed when its right for you to get plenty of sleep, then for heavens sake, go to bed when it fits your work schedule!
Let her have her own 'nest' of mess in one room of the house, and you keep your own den , shed or workout room in pristine order. If you feel compelled to clean up common areas, then clean them up. But realize that she just plain isn't going to clean them like you 'know' they should be cleaned.
Let her be herself. You can't 'fix' her. There's nothing to fix. Just differences to acknowledge. Or -- if those differences are the type that render her nonfunctional in the whole big wide world -- to evacuate yourself away from.
So maybe it didn't come across in my original post, but I feel I am being misrepresented here. I'm not looking to control her, that's absurd.
My main point is this, alot of the time spent in her "online" activities, take away from our time together (and sex) as well as predetermined "responsibilites" around the house. She's an adult, and quite honestly, it kind of rubs me the wrong way when she neglects things like cleaning up after herself, her cleaning duties, to post online. I end up picking up her slack because I don't want to live in a pigstye. I have worked hard for what I have, and i'm not an absolute neat freak, but find it unacceptable some of the stuff that she does.
Is it "controlling" to expect an adult to clean up after themselves and contribute to the upkeep of the household?
Going into this, I have tried to instill that this is "our" house and try to impart a sense of pride in ownership, that she just did not have at her apartment. And it's not happened yet.
I can't understand why you think she should change her daily lifestyle because it's not how you live your life. Why is it any of your business if she wants to FB in her spare time? You sound like an unreasonable and controlling person. Why should she have to answer to you for every minute of her day?
That's not it at all. But let me add to this. Because of work schedules, I usually get home before her, do most of the cooking, do most of the grocery shopping. I strive to have dinner ready when she gets home, so we can both eat together, then do something afterwards, even if it's just chill on the couch and watch a movie or tv. The predetermined arrangement was, that I would cook, she would clean up. But what's been happening lately is, after dinner, it's straight to facebook, and the cleaning does not get done. There's also a pile of her laundry stacking up in our room. Sometimes when I need to do laundry, I will find a load of hers still in the dryer from a few days before. So I take them. Put them on the bed or dresser for her to fold. So sometimes she does not fold them that day, or the next day, or 3 days later, and stuff piles up.
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She doesn't need help - you do. You sound downright nutty. Maybe this post was a joke?
I'm downright nutty for wanting my mid 30's love interest, potential life partner to take care of herself, and not live like a slob?
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You're basically complaining about every little thing and want to completely control every aspect of her daily life. That's nuts. If you want to go to bed, go to bed. She is not forcing you to stay up. If you want her to go to be earlier so you can be together, then ask nicely instead of accusing her of doing something awful because she likes to go to bed later than you like to go to bed.
The going to bed together part, I realize that is 100% on me, but the showering before bed part specifically has had an impact on our sex life because she's not wanting to get all sweaty and my man juice all up in her after she showers. But the whole staying up late has negative impacts on her physically (lack of sleep) and mentally. Am I wrong for wanting her to get more sleep to help her physically and be in a better mood?
From what I am seeing from your posts...you two are just NOT compatible.
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