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When I was young, growing up in the big city, I would hear this term used once in awhile by the older men (some in my own family as well as others talking among themselves) to refer to someone that they considered to be "emotionally lacking." Btw, isn't it amazing how we picked up things they were talking about without them being aware of it?
So this phrase, a cold fish, was usually applied to someone with a personality that was rather bland and aloof about things and you could never get much of an emotional response when discussing anything with them. But it was more often used to refer to a lover that was unemotional and did not provide any feedback during love-making.... that they were getting any sense of enjoyment or pleasure from it and giving encouragement. They used the term in a derogatory way to imply that the person was as inactive and non-responsive as a cold, dead fish.
Once in a while someone would comment that this (affection) was probably something the person missed from a mother who did not provide the necessary warmth and loving affection during their early years. They expressed it a little differently, but you get the point. This was an intuitive conclusion that became what many considered to be just a common sense sort of thing..... that affection and intimacy were never learned from the mother.
Do you think there's any truth to this "street observation?" And if so, is this something that can be passed on and on for generations...... the mother isn't affectionate with her child, that child is not affectionate with their child, and on and on? Is the phrase still in use nowadays?
Last edited by nezlie; 05-11-2015 at 07:51 AM..
Reason: added a little more.
I still hear and see the term "cold fish" used occasionally. It seems to be mostly used to describe a female rather than a male, from what I notice. Yes, it seems to be used to describe someone who's not very affectionate or not very sexual.
As a woman who tends to be pretty reserved emotionally, and maybe a little aloof, I'm sure the term could be applied to me.
But to me, it speaks more of the person saying it: Why are you so needy that you expect me to be so affectionate, care-taking, or mothering toward you? What makes you think that you're so incredibly sexy that I should be drooling all over you?
If a guy starts hitting on me in a bar, and I politely end the conversation and turn away. I guess he's call me a cold fish, simply because I'm not interested in him.
Most men I know who have complained that their wives are "cold fish" (regarding the bedroom) are usually men who don't recognize that their wives are working all day, then taking care of the kids, preparing the meals, cleaning the house, handling the bills, and all the appointments that need to be made, so may they're just exhausted. Plus, the husband might have "let himself go" a bit. So it can never be that he's less desirable; it must be the woman who is a cold fish.
I don't know about the hypotheses about lack of maternal affection. But it is probably true that huggy-kissy-demonstrative families produce children who grow up to be more huggy-kissy-demonstrative. Families that are less demonstrative, are probably more likely to produce less demonstrative kids. However, my sister and I grew up in the same household, with parents who we knew loved us, but who were never demonstrative about it. I grew up to be more aloof, I tend to not be a hugger, and in relationships, I save "I love you" for special moments, instead of saying it several times a day to where it has no meaning anymore. My sister, on the other hand, grew up to be a hugger with friends, and very, very affectionate with her kids. They are always sitting in her lap, hugging, and they're always saying "I love you" to each other. I'm kind of like "Yuck, where did that come from?"
I still hear and see the term "cold fish" used occasionally. It seems to be mostly used to describe a female rather than a male, from what I notice. Yes, it seems to be used to describe someone who's not very affectionate or not very sexual.
As a woman who tends to be pretty reserved emotionally, and maybe a little aloof, I'm sure the term could be applied to me.
But to me, it speaks more of the person saying it: Why are you so needy that you expect me to be so affectionate, care-taking, or mothering toward you? What makes you think that you're so incredibly sexy that I should be drooling all over you?
If a guy starts hitting on me in a bar, and I politely end the conversation and turn away. I guess he's call me a cold fish, simply because I'm not interested in him.
Most men I know who have complained that their wives are "cold fish" (regarding the bedroom) are usually men who don't recognize that their wives are working all day, then taking care of the kids, preparing the meals, cleaning the house, handling the bills, and all the appointments that need to be made, so may they're just exhausted. Plus, the husband might have "let himself go" a bit. So it can never be that he's less desirable; it must be the woman who is a cold fish.
I don't know about the hypotheses about lack of maternal affection. But it is probably true that huggy-kissy-demonstrative families produce children who grow up to be more huggy-kissy-demonstrative. Families that are less demonstrative, are probably more likely to produce less demonstrative kids. However, my sister and I grew up in the same household, with parents who we knew loved us, but who were never demonstrative about it. I grew up to be more aloof, I tend to not be a hugger, and in relationships, I save "I love you" for special moments, instead of saying it several times a day to where it has no meaning anymore. My sister, on the other hand, grew up to be a hugger with friends, and very, very affectionate with her kids. They are always sitting in her lap, hugging, and they're always saying "I love you" to each other. I'm kind of like "Yuck, where did that come from?"
Your post reminded me of something that I did not mention before. The people that I remember using that phrase did not take any form of criticism kindly at all, but they were very quick to judge others. They were arrogant and egotistical.... to round out the profile.
I tried to rep you, but it said I have to spread it around.
Haha. Well I have heard the term used as you've described but in retrospect I don't think I've really ever used it that I can recall to directly describe a person. I have used the term but not in relation to your described attributes. I've used it as the cold fish or sometimes dead fish 'handshake'. It is term used to describe someone with lifeless handshake as in no grip, no vigor, (lack of tactile expressiveness) just a lumpy piece of lifeless flesh. I repped TracySam for you
Haha. Well I have heard the term used as you've described but in retrospect I don't think I've really ever used it that I can recall to directly describe a person. I have used the term but not in relation to your described attributes. I've used it as the cold fish or sometimes dead fish 'handshake'. It is term used to describe someone with lifeless handshake as in no grip, no vigor, (lack of tactile expressiveness) just a lumpy piece of lifeless flesh.
I've heard the term "limp [something or other]" for the weak handshake. Here's what this author calls it...
"Limp Fish"
On the other end of the spectrum from the bone crusher is the limp fish. A limp handshake signals to the other person that you are nervous, uncertain, or uninvolved. A limp handshake can be particularly detrimental to your career. If you are unsure whether your handshake is limp, ask to practice with a few friends until you get your grip right.
"Cold Fish" met a few and they were usually people who more or less had a heart of stone.
IOW, unpleasant unless it was about them or they had zero empathy or compassion towards others.
I'm a bit like that. I'm not very passionate or physically affectionate and don't have a need for a lot of physical contact - in fact I start feeling annoyed and suffocated with too much of it. I'm not 'gushy' verbally either. However that doesn't mean I'm unemotional or don't feel love - I feel very strongly about the people who matter in my life, I just don't have a need for constantly expressing it. I was like that pretty much since birth - I was raised with parents and grandparents who were fairly affectionate but I didn't respond to it; as a baby I almost never cried and didn't care about being held, I was happy enough laying in my crib or playpen, so as a result I wasn't held that much - maybe that had some sort of effect? When I was a bit older I remember feeling uncomfortable with too much hugging and kissing and cuddling, not liking to kiss people back, my grandmother complained that she would hug me as I sat on her lap and I wouldn't even put my arms back around her.
I try to be more physically affectionate with my husband and son but I have to make a conscious effort. DH needs more physical contact than I do, while DS seems to take after me, he'll come up for a hug or kiss but doesn't care for long cuddling sessions.
I've heard it used synonymously with just plain cold. Typically denoting lacking in empathy and not given to open expressions of emotion.
Like anything else behaviorally related, there's an interplay of nature and nurture. Children raised in a non-demonstrative environment may well emulate similarly non-demonstrative behavior, because children learn a great deal through example. But environment also don't necessarily override one's innate personality. If you are a naturally warm, gregarious person, being around cooler, less demonstrative people isn't necessarily going to eradicate that in you.
Many times people casting stones, like the cold-fish/emotionless moniker.........do it to pump themselves up.
You cut someone down and it makes you feel superior.
Some people do not show a lot of emotions, they are not really touch-feely.......that does not make them bad or zombie'ish.
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This was an intuitive conclusion that became what many considered to be just a common sense sort of thing..... that affection and intimacy were never learned from the mother.
