Looking for self-help books / videos (anxiety, therapy, mentally, woman)
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First and foremost, I don't want anyone on here to leave me reputation comments such as "aw, somebody needs attention" (yes, I know who posted this, get a life instead of checking my posts). Some people on here may have it easy but I don't. That's how my life is. I wasn't born a shiny bubble. We all have demons and it's certainly not a reason to bash others because they want to talk or get some help. If you're no willing to provide me with some helpful answers, I'd advise you to take a hike. I really wish my life were beautiful and I didn't have to post this but the reality is different. I have demons, it's my business, not yours.
So I have suffered from emotional and physical abuse for a very very long time. I won't go into detail but it was pretty rough. For years and years I was afraid of staying at home with my mother. I was petrified. Then when I'd go to school, I'd get bullied or worse hit by kids. It went on until I went to college.
Then when I was in college, life was great but not so great. As I was "released" from my emotional distress, I didn't know how to handle this freedom and became very secluded. I dedicated all of my time to my studies and didn't know how to make friends because I was never allowed to have any.
I started developing some serious mental issues (depression, mainly). Thankfully, I had already stopped self-harming myself and my eating disorders were far behind. However, the suicide word would often come to my mind. Mainly when things didn't go my way. And they never really did after some traumatic event I went through with my mother, I started therapy. Unfortunately, the therapist didn't believe me because I come from a "privileged" background. I stopped the sessions.
I was doing fine for a while as I was able to confess, for the first time, what my mother did to me. The unbearing pain I had been carrying all these years. The baggage that prevented me from developing healthy relationships.
I finished college/work and moved back home for the summer, my personality hasn't been the same. I've become even more secluded and I'm starting to resent my mother who is still very abusive to me. The day I told her I had passed my final college exams, that moment, she spit in my face. When I confronted her about it this summer, she told me to "f*ck off". As I don't have a job, don't have a single friend, don't have money at the moment (hence, I can't see a therapist) and I'm back home for the time being, I'm looking for ways to "escape". Just today, that woman tried to hit me with a fork. I resent her, but I can't bring myself to disclose this to anyone.
Suicide seems like the only option at the moment. Self-harm is starting to take over my thoughts. I'm confused and quite lost. I thought I had left all of this behind but seeing her face makes me nauseous. She broke the door to my room today because of something I said to my sister as a joke (about cats) and tried to hit me. She claims I'm trying to instill an "emotional imbalance" in my sister when this woman is the one who hurt me repeatedly. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. She uses any reason to try and hit me or tear me apart.
I was doing good emotionally until I came back home. All of my demons are starting to haunt me again.
Is there any self-help books or videos I might get to help myself?
I have unlimited internet so I fall asleep listening to hours of everyone
from Gangaji, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti, Abraham-Hicks...
almost any yogi/swami...
It is endless, the positive, what I call, "Truth Teachers".
They pump me up and keep me clear and inspired.
It is easy to fall for the trap that bad or distorted thinking can create.
Good luck.
The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. (Very highly recommended for your situation.)
7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
If you don't mind reading an ancient text (translated into modern English): Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
There's also a great book written by Viktor Frankl about how he both physically AND mentally survived the concentration camps in Nazi Germany and offers practical advice to anyone who feels they're facing an insurmountable challenge (not saying your problems are trivial but objectively speaking, he probably faced 100x worse.)
Why would you move back home to live with an abusive person. It seems the first thing you need to do is to move out. Why continue to put yourself through that?
You're an adult. You NEVER have to see her again. It's CHOICE. Choose to leave her behind.
This book is no joke. If you actually do the exercises (in addition to getting away from your abusive situation) it can and will help you to restructure your entire thought process to alleviate and eventually avoid depressive episodes.
You need distance from the source of your troubles first of all. There are minimum wage jobs like cleaning, babysitting. Try to find one as soon as possible, then live with a roommate in some cheap apartment. (they have online ads like on craigslist for such things). I think this would be much better than living with your mom. Then hopefully, you can find a better job overtime. I guess I don't see how a self help book could help in this situation.
Thank you all for your help. I only have God to turn to and books, clearly.
I'm jobless at the moment which is the reason why I moved back in. I was supposed to move away in September but it didn't go as planned. That's why I'm stuck at home. I'm going to have to look for a babysitting job, I think.
I thought my prestigious college degreee would help me find a job quickly but it didn't. Now, I'm back at square one. Believe me, I've been looking for jobs because I'm getting sick of this woman. She's physically abusive and I am now losing it (no appetite, crying all day long). Women's shelters are far too risky especially coming from a background like mine, I wouldn't handle it.
My dad isn't defending me at all... worse he told me: "Physical abuse doesn't have any impact on your psychological well-being" Sure! To say he went to college and was still able to come up with such nonsense ... it baffles me. He's trying to defend her hideous behavior. Then she claims I was born with an "anxiety" condition because her dad tried to "kill" me when I was still unborn. Yeah, okay. I'm not buying this BS. Coming up with a rubbish excuse to cover your lousy parenting skills instead of facing the truth - she's evil as hell.
I have two sisters and they're both claiming my mother is "the best mother on earth". They don't believe a word I say because she treats them like queens. Yet, she abuses me in front of them but they still see her as the "best mother". They're quite insensitive and egoistical to be honest.
Some I know advised me to get earplugs ... Hum, yeah right.
Thanks all for your help!
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