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I have noticed that people who have abandonment issues (especially ones that stem from childhood) often end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, person:
-experiences abandonment during childhood and this traumatizes them and they develop a fear of abandonment.
- person is reluctant to open up to someone else in a relationship and is emotionally "closed off". It may also come out as an unwillingness to commitment too. They fear getting close to someone.
- They reason that people are not to be trusted because they will leave you high and dry (and worse, after using you).
- Remaining emotionally closed off or distant causes their SO to complain or feel a lack of intimacy and the SO becomes unhappy. The more complaints lodged, the more closed off they act.
- SO eventually leaves them and the person with abandonment issues has their fears confirmed "I knew they weren't 'the one'", and sometimes this cycle repeats over and over.
They are often hard to differentiate from their close brethren: people who are scared of happiness.
Usually these types are scared of happiness because it is so awful when it turns to sadness or because it comes with ties and responsibilities, and they will only disappoint or come up short.
I'm watching a dear friend's boyfriend tank his relationship and his job and basically his whole adult life because happiness is terrifying to him. He stayed in a particularly miserable relationship for years because it wasn't at all scary to think about it ending or to think about disappointing a woman he didn't really even like that much. But now... he had it all, and he's blowing it up rather spectacularly.
I think there's many factors but from what I read you're spot on, imo.
I think people with genuine abandonment issues either hold on too tight (needy, overly dependent) and this can overwhelm their partners or hold back completely and don't allow the person into their world at all for fear of being hurt because they think that individual leaving is inevitable. So yes, it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My thoughts are that the ability to be rational in situations like that can go a long way. As in, just because one person behaved one way toward you, that doesn't mean all will. Each person and each relationship is new and separate from others. Sure, we can learn from patterns, but to let a bad experience with Person A keep you from getting to know Person B just isn't logical, if you think about it.
My thoughts are that the ability to be rational in situations like that can go a long way. As in, just because one person behaved one way toward you, that doesn't mean all will. Each person and each relationship is new and separate from others. Sure, we can learn from patterns, but to let a bad experience with Person A keep you from getting to know Person B just isn't logical, if you think about it.
I think life is really all about maintaining your ability to take a leap of faith when necessary.
I have noticed that people who have abandonment issues (especially ones that stem from childhood) often end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, person:
-experiences abandonment during childhood and this traumatizes them and they develop a fear of abandonment.
- person is reluctant to open up to someone else in a relationship and is emotionally "closed off". It may also come out as an unwillingness to commitment too. They fear getting close to someone.
- They reason that people are not to be trusted because they will leave you high and dry (and worse, after using you).
- Remaining emotionally closed off or distant causes their SO to complain or feel a lack of intimacy and the SO becomes unhappy. The more complaints lodged, the more closed off they act.
- SO eventually leaves them and the person with abandonment issues has their fears confirmed "I knew they weren't 'the one'", and sometimes this cycle repeats over and over.
srjth, your post certainly nailed it on the head in my opinion, and I see how they become self fulfilling prophecies. What the issue really is is that individuals with legitimate abandonment issues have already closed themselves off to the world, and in effect have already relegated themselves to a lifetime of loneliness.
As a person who has serious issues very similar to what you posted I can relate on every level. However, for me it was not a girlfriend breaking up or rejection by a potential mate that led me to this predicament, more like getting the living daylights (broken jaw, electrical cords, choked, etc) beat out of me by the majority of those closest in my life. And on top of that the emotional/mental damaged caused by people like my mother and other so called friends... smdh. I have been called every name under the sun by family members, friends and other so if a wall had not gone up around me, I would have snapped a long time ago. So I will remain closed from my family, my peers, and any woman who tries to enter my life (good luck) forever. Just no point in taking on that mental anguish for little to no return.
If someone has true abandonment issues then there is very little to no help for them, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
@Jay, I am sorry for your horrible experiences in life. You sound very similar to my exbf (which explains why I had to detach from his push/pull, passive-aggression, delusions, lying, withdrawal, dissociation, the list goes on). His childhood defense mechanisms did not translate well into adulthood. As much as I can understand the makings behind these defenses, I had to make the difficult decision to remove myself from this situation (as much as I can as he still resides in my home). He is not well and I suspect he has undiagnosed personality disorder.
I have noticed that people who have abandonment issues (especially ones that stem from childhood) often end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, person:
-experiences abandonment during childhood and this traumatizes them and they develop a fear of abandonment.
- person is reluctant to open up to someone else in a relationship and is emotionally "closed off". It may also come out as an unwillingness to commitment too. They fear getting close to someone.
- They reason that people are not to be trusted because they will leave you high and dry (and worse, after using you).
- Remaining emotionally closed off or distant causes their SO to complain or feel a lack of intimacy and the SO becomes unhappy. The more complaints lodged, the more closed off they act.
- SO eventually leaves them and the person with abandonment issues has their fears confirmed "I knew they weren't 'the one'", and sometimes this cycle repeats over and over.
So those are my thoughts, what do you think?
Yes, this is very true and often the person doesn't even realize they are "making it happen". As you say "they weren't the one" or " I don't want to settle" or some other excuse. I believe these issues need to be dealt with in therapy although many people can't or don't want to realize that it's an issue.
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