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I am posting this here because this isn't a relationship problem, I feel its a psychological issue. We are happily married with three children, ages 7, 4, 3, Girl, Boy, Girl. She doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom and a darn good one. She's an awesome wife as well. The issue is that she is clingy, which sometimes doesn't bother me, but as we've become older, I have noticed it more and more. It has always been the same, I'm just becoming more in tune with it. I feel like we spend adequate quality time together each day.
Here are some examples and situations of what I am talking about:
We can both be sitting on the couch in the morning doing whatever...watching TV, playing on our phones or just talking and I'll get up and get ready to go outside to do something and she'll follow suit. No problem.
She can be doing something on her own, rather it be in her craft room or on her computer or whatever, I'll say I'm running to the store or something and she expresses contempt for the fact that I didn't bother to ask if she wanted to go, this is a regular occurrence. (Can't I go alone sometimes???)
If I elect to lay down for a nap in the middle of the day, she expresses dissatisfaction for me doing so, instead of staying awake and spending time with her. (We're around each other constantly!)
On our anniversary (7 years sept. 13 2015) she, very casually, made the day out to be all about her and that I needed to cater to her in every way. If I remember correctly marriage is two not one....
When I bring this subject up to her, I do so in a very polite, kind, loving manner careful not to upset her or come across like an A-hole. It never fails, she always ends up crying and making the whole situation seem as if I'm the criminal and that its my fault. I have told her she needs to get some friends or find activities to do with other mommies her age...she won't. I have expressed my concern for inability to maintain her sense of individualism, and that relying on me and the kids for her emotional connections isn't the most healthy. I am at a loss of what to do.
She has told me more times than I can count that her parents were very disconnected from her and her sister during their childhood. Her dad worked and never participated much with "raising" them, as much of the burden was put on their mother. Most of the time the mom (my mother in-law) would send them downstairs or whatever to keep them "out of her hair", while she sat upstairs reading a book or something. I feel like this disconnection from her parents during upbringing has lead to her thirst for my constant attention. We wed at a young age (19, 20) and have never really had major problems. Sure we have argued and fought over petty things, never infidelity, kids, or family. We are getting older and more mature and have better communication and observation skills.
Any help or advice on how to handle this in a healthy manner would be appreciated.
I was in a similar situation, but I'm a woman and my partner was a man. He had friends before we got together but once we were a couple, it's like he wanted me to meet all of his constant needs for attention and companionship. I would encourage him to call his friends and do "guy stuff" but no, he wanted to do everything with me. I thought it would get better with time, but it went on for 14 years.
He could not stand being alone, and I require a good amount of time alone. Any time I spent alone, he would see as a rejection of him. Because he at least recognized that it's worse for a man to appear needy than a woman, he would try not to show his reaction too much, but he would still sulk, act sad, try to make me feel guilty whenever I needed to be alone.
Like your situation, it was even little things, like I would walk upstairs and he'd follow me asking "whatcha doin?" Even my dog didn't follow me around that much.
He would even want us to do mundane things together, like grocery shopping. He loved food shopping, while I hate it, so I was like, great, you can do the shopping. But he would say "but it's more FUN if we go together!" No, having me go along grumbling will not be "fun."
He would even want me to come keep him company if he was going to get his oil changed. He'd be hurt and sulky when I didn't ask him to come along on my oil change. I just wanted to sit there and read a book.
I wish I could offer advice, but all I can offer is empathy; I feel your pain and frustration. This is somebody you love, but she's drowning you.
Like your wife, I was also raised by parents who'd prefer to "have me out of their hair." But this didn't make me clingy; it made me into a person who can function independently--entertain myself, enjoy myself, keep myself busy, problem-solve by myself. So you can't really blame it on her upbringing. My ex's parents are glued at the hip and do EVERYTHING together, they even accompany each other to doctor and dentist appointments and run every errand together, even going out to buy milk. So to him, this was what a happy couple should do. He also really can't make decisions unless he's forced to, so he was happy to assign me all the decisions that he had to make. He's been my ex for about 2 years now, but we are still friendly, and he still requires my advice all the time.
It sounds like you two are committed to each other otherwise, so you would probably be good candidates for couples therapy. If the couples therapist assesses that your wife could benefit from some individual therapy as well, then try to encourage that.
Some -- MANY -- people can't stand to be alone with themselves or their own thoughts for five minutes. Was this evident while you were dating, or was it just considered romantic?
You say you're around each other constantly; do you also not work outside the home?
Hopefully, as the kids get older and more involved in school/activities (unless she homeschools; I hope not), this will occupy a lot of her time and give you a break.
She does probably need to find her own hobbies and activities, but would she have your support with that, e.g. you pick up the kids or come home early so she can go to book club or zumba or whatever? Do you have regular, stuctured time together, like date nights or weekends without the kids? She ight feel safer letting you have your space if she knows that you have couple time scheduled.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 09-23-2015 at 01:25 PM..
I understand what happened, because I was a bit like this at one time. You got married to your wife before she acquired her own identity, and now you are paying the price for it.
I got married at 18 and had 2 kids. By the time I had been married for 12 years, my husband had had enough. I had never worked, and all I knew how to do was be a wife and mother. He wanted someone with some outside interests, and I don't blame him.
I was forced out of my comfort zones really quickly. I went to school, and got a job, and became a much more confident and interesting person.
I'm not telling you to dump your wife, but somehow she needs to realize that she is in a prison of her own making. Unless she choses to change, you are going to have to either put up with it, or move on.
"hobbies and activities"? This woman needs a paying J-O-B. (I'm echoing gentlearts, here.)
Earning her own income, even if only part-time, would do her self-esteem a world of good. Seems like she's too wrapped up in you to see the value of her own mind and personality. Please urge her out of the house and into the adult world of paid work.
However, you are either really not spending enough (quality?) time with her or she really needs to find outside hobbies.
Since you can't get through to her, I suggest counseling as well. Shouldn't take more than a few times to go there and have a counselor tell her to be a little more independent. Maybe an outside person can convince her and make sense to her.
"hobbies and activities"? This woman needs a paying J-O-B. (I'm echoing gentlearts, here.)
Earning her own income, even if only part-time, would do her self-esteem a world of good. Seems like she's too wrapped up in you to see the value of her own mind and personality. Please urge her out of the house and into the adult world of paid work.
I agree with you, but I see the benefit of a mother staying home until her kids are in school all day. She has a few years until the 3 year old is in first grade. She should be preparing herself now, and start making goals towards being qualified for a job in a few years. Some night classes would get her out with new people and would give her confidence.
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