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Her normal is staying on facebook or pinterest until midnight, being chronically late, and being very messy.
I hear you, before I posted this, I had been talking to my friends about it, including some mutual friends I met THROUGH her. They have known here for longer than me and get what I am going through. Even some of her immediate family
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You can't fix this and you obviously are having a hard time living with it.
My suggestion would be to cut your losses, breakup, and remain friends.
I'm trying to make this work, I really am. I just am having a real hard time coming to grips with the reality that this might not be fixable, but a harder time trying to wrap my head around how an adult can just be so irresponsible when it comes to picking up after themselves. It's not like she's some white trash hillbilly
I just am having a real hard time coming to grips with the reality that this might not be fixable, but a harder time trying to wrap my head around how an adult can just be so irresponsible when it comes to picking up after themselves. It's not like she's some white trash hillbilly
It's part of the ADD. You're going to have to either accept it, or walk away.
It doesn't sound so much like ADD as Facebook/Internet Addiction
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
I purposely posted this here and not in the relationships forum because I want it viewed from a psychology / behavior point of view.
I read through this and I don't think it's what you think. And I don't think it's you. You've lived with her for 8 months now and mentioned some signs of ADD but not others and you mention her phone a lot. For example, you don't mention some classic signs of ADD:
-Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to participate in tasks requiring sustained mental effort, like preparing reports, completing forms, or reviewing lengthy papers.
-Often loses things like tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, and mobile phones.
-Often easily distracted by other things, including unrelated thoughts. (You do mention distractions by Facebook, though.)
-Often forgetful in daily activities, such as running errands, returning calls, paying bills, and keeping appointments.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
We are both in our mid 30's. She is absolutely awful with time management. When we were first dating, I did not realize the scope of how bad it was, but since living together, it's become painfully obvious.
Poor time management is a symptom of ADD, but you tend to frame in regard to Facebook, not other activities. Has she forgotten appointments or activities you've scheduled together?
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
I need to give some history. We live in a major metro area of Raleigh, NC, but lived on opposite sides of town. She lived about 45-55 minutes away from work. So her routine was to wake up at 6:00 to be to work by 8:00, and she would leave work by 6 to be home by 7. After a month or so, I started staying over a couple nights a week, she would sometimes stay at my place. Eventually one of us was staying at each others house every night. We would do stuff out, make dinner, go out to eat, or do something fun or just chill and watch tv or movies. Sometimes she would have to take work home to finish by morning. Sometimes time sensitive stuff. She also has a hobby that takes a couple nights a week of her time, sometimes she has little projects or tasks to do for the league too.
Having to take work home is not necessarily a symptom of poor time management.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
I noticed at times, she would be preoccupied with her phone, doing facebook or texting friends, or pinterest or whatever it is women do on the web. I also noticed that when she was working at home, she was having a very time focusing. She would be VERY easy to interrupt, like when her phone beeped, or if she got a facebook message. She would stop, spend a couple minutes responding, or reading that, or whatever.
More of a Facebook problem, not necessariy related to ADD at all.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
Everything was fine though in our relationship. Sex life was good, we both fell in love quite hard for each other. Because of that, I tended to overlook certain behavioral aspects of her that quite honestly are flaws. I need to elaborate of them.
When we first started dating, I always met her out somewhere, or she came over to my house to "go out", I did not see her apartment for over a month after we started dating. The first time I went there was kind of on accident. We were going to an outdoor event near her house, and it started raining so we went to her place. It was quite a mess inside. She was embarrassed. But I was in love, and overlooked it.
Could be ADD, could be a person who isn't home that much and just doesn't care, could be as you state yourself, she's buried on the net.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
She cleaned it up, but it was always a struggle for her to keep it clean. She always was complaining about "not enough hours in the day". However, looking back, it was a conscious choice of her to not clean up, but rather look at pinterest or facebook or reading books.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
She also stays up late. Like midnight every night. When we were first dating, alot of those late nights was "sex time". But as time goes by, on nights we arent having sex, she stays up late online or reading. I like to go to bed together, so as a result, I end up staying up late. I have to get up at 5:30, so 5-5.5 hours of sleep on weeknights has been my thing for the last 2 years.
Staying up late is not a symptom of ADD.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
Despite this, about 9 months ago, I asked her to move in with me. We had basically been living together in one place or another for a few months anyway. My house is 10 minutes from where she works, so I thought it would have the added benefit for her of having more personal time to catch up on reading, or "her time". She could also get more sleep in the morning because of getting up later and being so close to work.
And it worked out like that fine for a while, but the longer we have lived together, the more time she has spent online. She has always taken long showers and taken a long time to get ready, but it's gotten to be that it takes her 2 hours and 15 minutes from the time she wakes up until she is at work, including a 10 minute commute. It's gotten real bad lately. To the point that this week after dinner, she told me that she wanted to start showering at night. I then asked her if she was going to get more sleep. She told me no. I know she's not working out, and I know she's not doing household stuff. I know she's facebooking.
Facebook, but not really a symptom of ADD, just a choice to do something else. Could it be Facebook? Look at statement 2 on, "The Facebook Addiction Test." I am often tired in the morning because I stay up late on Facebook.
And as other posters have stated, ladies getting ready to go can take longer than gentleman, not necessarily ADD at all.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
I have confronted her a couple times about this, and each time it does not go well. She takes my questioning the time dedicated to the internet vs the time she does ANYTHING ELSE, as a direct attack on her. I have suggested she see a doctor or psychologist about her ADD and she wont.
Statement 3 on, "The Facebook Addiction Test," addresses this point: My friends or family have commented that I spend too much time on Facebook.
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Originally Posted by CubsFan20
All this stuff has ripple effects.
I have suggested she seek help, but wont. I'm asking here if there is anything I can do.
I love her dearly, and I truthfully believe she loves me as much, but I can't make her see what she is doing to both herself and our relationship.
Maybe you should reframe your talks with her around her Facebook use. Maybe she needs to be in the real world with you a bit more.
I think you have to talk about the expectations you both have had that she would do clean up and you would do cooking. I don't think her problem is ADD. She isn't neat, and she doesn't like to clean. So, she gets lost in other tasks she would rather do. Your gf sounds a lot like me!
I do think you have to revisit this and come to some sort of accommodation. What do you want cleaned up most? How much of your time do you want to give up on the weekend while she cleans. That sort of thing. The staying up late--I really get that. Sometimes staying up late is the only time I got to myself. I worked a job that involved talking to people all day long. I remember just wanting some quiet time, and sometimes staying up late provided that.
I do wonder if she isn't too dependent on FB. However, if you can get the chores issue talked through, and if you can help her understand that you really want that intimate time with her at night, perhaps you can work this out. But you have to communicate. This is the hardest thing in a relationship, I think. So many times we snap at each other out of frustration, rather than talking things through.
While you are in this relationship, you two need to be forming good communication habits. If you two can't talk through things, can't come to workable solutions, then I don't think this relationship will be happy.
We do not want any more kids. I have a son from a previous marriage that mostly lives with me. I really don't want any more, neither does she. So that's not an issue for us.
Could the near constant "instant family" that your girlfriend now has be ANY part of the friction between you?
From what I am seeing from your posts...you two are just NOT compatible.
He sounds almost angry and a bit OCD himself with the "So" this and "So" that. I can see this turning into a full-blown abusive relationship, to be frank. I hope she gets away from him. Seems like the only thing he likes is the s0x. Is she his love, or his lifestyle accessory?
Have you talked to her about this in a nice way. There is nothing wrong with point out some issues. It is not ADD but just immaturity. People need to point it out but don't complain about your house keeping not getting done.
Instead ask her to put down her phone to sleep for her health.
Ask her to put down her "time waster" time so you 2 can have fun. Why not enjoy yourself earlier in night instead of waiting until bedtime.
Why not clean up together. If you see her slacking off, ask her "ok lets clean this up".
She might be looking for instant gratification and excitement by living online. She needs stuff happening in real life that are more involving and exciting than online life. frankly cleaning and house keeping is not more exciting than browsing. but sharing time with significant others outdoes online time
The going to bed together part, I realize that is 100% on me, but the showering before bed part specifically has had an impact on our sex life because she's not wanting to get all sweaty and my man juice all up in her after she showers. But the whole staying up late has negative impacts on her physically (lack of sleep) and mentally. Am I wrong for wanting her to get more sleep to help her physically and be in a better mood?
I have several comments, not all related.
I think your expectation regarding the amount of sex required to keep you happy in your relationship after two years of being together is unreasonably excessive. That she is less interested in sex than before does not mean she is not in love with you, but you are probably pressuring her, and that is totally unsexy. You are still having sex more often than most couples in their mid-30's after two years together have. What are you doing that is truly romantic and which you do without any expectation that it will lead to sex?
Regarding your "juice," have you considered condoms for after-shower relations? Is there some reason that you have to have sex after she showers rather than before? The idea of her showering before bed makes sense in that she not only does not spend time doing that before work (not that anyone needs to shower everyday, anyway; as anyone who has travelled before knows, it is possible to get quite clean using a lot less water), but that she may feel cozy afterwards and want to go to sleep right away. That's better than her hanging around on Facebook. I do think she needs to significantly curtail her Facebook addiction, but City-Data can be an addiction, too, can't it?
Something else bothers me, and I'm not sure if I understand the situation correctly, so perhaps you could explain. You say you pay the mortgage. Well, if the property belongs entirely to you, that is as it should be. She may never see a dime of profit when you someday sell the property. Didn't you use to pay the utilities, too, before she moved in? Of course, now that she is there, she is using some of the utilities so she can pay her share, but I don't think she should pay all of the utilities. It sounds like her money (which is much less than yours) is being used for ongoing expenses which will net her exactly zero, while the money you spend builds equity for you....and your son, presumably. Unless I missed something, you didn't mention anything about being engaged or getting married.
I think your expectation regarding the amount of sex required to keep you happy in your relationship after two years of being together is unreasonably excessive. That she is less interested in sex than before does not mean she is not in love with you, but you are probably pressuring her, and that is totally unsexy. You are still having sex more often than most couples in their mid-30's after two years together have. What are you doing that is truly romantic and which you do without any expectation that it will lead to sex?
Maybe my expectations are a little high, but I would like it more than once a week
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Regarding your "juice," have you considered condoms for after-shower relations? Is there some reason that you have to have sex after she showers rather than before? The idea of her showering before bed makes sense in that she not only does not spend time doing that before work (not that anyone needs to shower everyday, anyway; as anyone who has travelled before knows, it is possible to get quite clean using a lot less water), but that she may feel cozy afterwards and want to go to sleep right away.
Neither of us like condoms. Me, for obvious reasons, and her, she gets off extra hard when I "release"
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That's better than her hanging around on Facebook. I do think she needs to significantly curtail her Facebook addiction, but City-Data can be an addiction, too, can't it?
If I was hanging out all nite on city-data, then yes, lol
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Something else bothers me, and I'm not sure if I understand the situation correctly, so perhaps you could explain. You say you pay the mortgage. Well, if the property belongs entirely to you, that is as it should be. She may never see a dime of profit when you someday sell the property. Didn't you use to pay the utilities, too, before she moved in? Of course, now that she is there, she is using some of the utilities so she can pay her share, but I don't think she should pay all of the utilities. It sounds like her money (which is much less than yours) is being used for ongoing expenses which will net her exactly zero, while the money you spend builds equity for you....and your son, presumably. Unless I missed something, you didn't mention anything about being engaged or getting married.
I'm not complaining about our financial arrangement at all, I dont think it could have come across that I thought it was inequitable at all.
The way it works out, compared to when she was living alone in her apartment, she is paying roughly $400-$500 LESS than she was when living alone. Thats why we both thought it would be equitable to do it this way. As it is I pay about $1100 per month in mortgage, taxes and insurance and she pays $300-$450 depending on how much the power bill is. And we split other expenses like food.
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It doesn't sound so much like ADD as Facebook/Internet Addiction
