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8 months ago my wife's therapist encouraged her to start practicing DBT. Since then she has changed from somewhat emotionally over-sensitive to what I would say is largely apathetic. She says that is to let go of troublesome thoughts so she does not dwell on them and lets them pass through. However it gives me the impression that she just doesn't care.
Is this common behavior for people practicing DBT or does it mean something else, like she just doesn't like me anymore and our relationship might be over and is shutting me out?
Have you gone to counseling yourself? Or gone as a couple?
You may have become addicted to the drama, or subconsciously enjoyed getting under her skin?
What DBT does, is make you aware of what your thoughts say, and learn how to change the thoughts, and how you react to them.
I have no idea what your situations with your wife are like, but let's say she hears your questions as being critical. And let's give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not being critical. Here's an example:
"Are you making spaghetti for dinner again?"
In her mind she's wondering, "Is he being critical, saying I don't know enough recipes? Does he always have to criticize everything I do?"
So, next in her mind, with DBT, she says to herself, "Okay, what are the facts? The fact is, he loves spaghetti and always eats a lot of it when I cook it and enjoys taking the leftovers to work."
Then, she says to herself, "He is probably not being critical and his tone of voice doesn't mean anything. He's probably just had a bad day, so it comes out wrong. Yes, he could have said, yay! we're having spaghetti again! But, he's not that kind of person. So, I should just answer calmly in the affirmative."
Then, she finally looks at you calmly and say, "Yep. Spaghetti it is."
So, you can see that this takes great effort and it also takes time. Eventually, she'll get faster at doing it, or she won't have to do it at all.
Knowing how she's processing information and thoughts might help you to become more patient with her.
But, just in case - you might also want to think about whether or not you're doing things that justify a negative reaction. For instance, if you were in the scenario above and really are sick of spaghetti and came in looking critical and frustrated, she'd have a right to be upset with you. Then, what's happening in her mind may still result in a calm response, but she will have decided that you don't have the right to be critical with her, but it won't do any good to be defensive.
Sometimes men get comfortable with the idea that their marital problems all belong to their wife. They love to say that women are overly sensitive or are influenced by their hormones. But, many times, women are reacting normally to negative behavior by their husbands. I have no idea if that includes you, but you may want to look at what you do, too. And couple's counseling might be helpful.
Thanks for the response. I'll have to think about it all some more.
What motivated me to post was last night she said she was going to dinner with a couple friends at 8:00 in the evening, and didn't get home until 10:30 am today and never let me know she was staying out or what was going on. She said she later met up with another friend and stayed with her because she "knew I would be angry" if she came home late. However I didn't send any texts or anything like that to indicate I was. She just assumed I would react a certain way and acted based on that.
She said she was glad *I* used DBT to not get angry and didn't seem to think anything more about it then that. We've had similar discussions in the past where I indicate I feel marginalized and she seems to not care, which is why I was thinking it is just a way of tuning out unwanted feelings and not letting them interfere with her overall emotional state.
Thanks for the response. I'll have to think about it all some more.
What motivated me to post was last night she said she was going to dinner with a couple friends at 8:00 in the evening, and didn't get home until 10:30 am today and never let me know she was staying out or what was going on. She said she later met up with another friend and stayed with her because she "knew I would be angry" if she came home late. However I didn't send any texts or anything like that to indicate I was. She just assumed I would react a certain way and acted based on that.
She said she was glad *I* used DBT to not get angry and didn't seem to think anything more about it then that. We've had similar discussions in the past where I indicate I feel marginalized and she seems to not care, which is why I was thinking it is just a way of tuning out unwanted feelings and not letting them interfere with her overall emotional state.
DBT has nothing to do with staying out all night, and I'm sure you know that.
Get some counseling for yourself, or join your wife's sessions if that is appropriate. Something is off big time.
You need to find out if your wife's actions are typical of someone using this method. I suspect something else is going on. I think you do too.
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