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My older sister has been somewhat bitter about various things for decades, however normally it was a passing comment here or there, or maybe a week or a few months (or years) of angst when something annoyed her. Now it seems to have completely consumed her tot he point where there is nothing left of her personality except bitterness.
She blamed the fact my parents did not pay for her to go to college as the reason she is not happier with every aspect of her life. This bitterness grew over time. Still she was normally very caring always thinking about others, always on the prowl for bargain clothing which should would bring to family members in big bags, always helping Mom and Dad clean up their house, care for pets etcetera. She was subject to sudden explosions of rage at times - for example, one time while we were visiting my parents after we moved out of state, she came over to visit with us. Shortly after she arrived I noticed the wind had picked up. We had bought some kites that week and the kids wanted to fly them but there had never been enough wind. I said look there is wind, lets go fly the kites and we went outside. My sister left in a huff and did not speak to me again for three years. Over time, you always had to be on pins and needles with her and watch everything you say because you never knew what/when would set her off. Although this got worse, she was still usually a terrific person, still always caring, thinking of others ect. She loved her nieces and nephews and they liked to spend a day with her and her husband.
Over time however, she became more and more bitter about various things. Whenever I would call her (usually once a month or so), she would go on for an hour about how she was shorted in life - no college (she was kicked out of the house by my parents when she was 18 because she and mom did not get along); Lymes disease; no career. . . More and more her conversation became dominated by the things she was bitter about. She often turned vitriol toward our younger brother because she felt he was favored and got all the advantages. The kids no longer wanted to spend time with her because she often told them nasty things about their mother, their uncle (younger brother), grandma, and sometimes about me. Sometimes the things were exaggerated truths, and sometimes apparently made up entirely.
When our mom died, she told me she was upset that she missed the chance to really let her have it and tell her what a horrible mom she was. She said that was her biggest regret in life and primary reaction to mom dying. She was also very angry with my my wife because the night mom died, I was sick and heavily sedated on sleeping pills and my wife cold not wake me up, so she went. She was the first to arrive (despite we live more than an hour away). Sister was ticked both that my wife was there consoling Dad and that I was not. When the coroner went in to put Mom on a gurney - he did not have enough help to lift her and my dad was trying to help, but he was befuddeled and struggling. My wife went to help and my sister literally shoved my wife out of the way, and told her to "stay away from MY mother." My wife just assumed it was grief and tied to remain as unobtrusive as possible.
At the funeral, my daughters sang, my brothers and I all got up and spoke. My sister arrived late and left early and said almost nothing other than to thank my daughters for their beautiful singing. She also commented on the fact she thought it was wrong there were so many people there who did not really know Mom that well but were friends of Dad's. She seemed pretty angry about that and I was afraid she was going to make a scene about it. However she just sat apart quietly and then left as soon as she could get away with it.
I became worried about my sister after she said her big regret was not telling mom off before she died. My sister did not seem to dislike mom or Dad before that and was the one who was always coming to their house and helping with housekeeping. She did once mention she was a bit jealous that Mom was being such a fabulous grandma and wasn't a great mom. However now she seemed to be more and more bitter. I called her a lot to see how she was doing and in every call she would say things about how awful Mom was - some of which I knew to be untrue or grossly exaggerated.
Then over time, her bitterness turned to Dad. She became convinced she had been abused by Mom and Dad stood by and let it happen. My brothers and I all remembered Mom and sister did fight a lot, but sister usually got the upper hand in the fights - that is why she got kicked out at 18. While it is true mom was unstable for about 15 - 20 years, she was not really physically abusive. The Dr.s found some body chemistry problems (like blood sger of 680), and corrected them. Mom seemed get much more stable and sensible and was then a great person to be around. She was terrific with the grandkids.
Over time, My sister's bitterness grew and grew. It got to the point where our conversations were nothing but continued attacks on Dad, Mom, younger brother, sometimes her husband. . .. . then she started to sometimes complain about my kids, saying they never really cared for her at all. She always hated all the sister in laws, saying Dad cared more for them than he ever did for her. Every time I called, the bitterness grew more intense and the diatribes lasted longer and longer. I started calling less often. But I kept calling her every other month or so. I figured if nothing else she needed someone to vent to. She stopped buying clothing for everyone, then announced she and her husband no longer wanted to participate in family birthday get togethers, they only came for Christmas and Thanksgiving.
A few years ago, there was a miscommunication and she and her husband went to our house on Christmas day rather than Dad's house where everyone was. She has not spoken to me since. She unfriended us on facebook. One time I called to see how she was doing and her husband answered. I had a 40 minute conversation with him over the speaker phone in his car. At the end of the conversation I learned she was in the car too. I asked why she did not say hi and she said "you would not like what I have to say to you"
She is still friendly with my older brother, and he goes to visit her sometimes. He says she is just all about her bitterness now, 24/7 he said she pretty much hates me now too along with dad and younger brother.
It is sad, she was a decent and very caring person. Now she is just a big ball of bitterness. Why does this happen? Is it common?
TL;DR but from what I gather your sister has indeed adopted bitterness as a dysfunctional strategy. Yes it's common. As to why, the answers would be as individual as the person involved.
Your sister's blaming her parents for not paying for her college education is something that resonates with me because I have endured versions of that with my daughter, and our relationship has always been prickly and limited for that reason. After awhile the bitterness spreads to something so vague and subjective that she herself can't really articulate what her malfunction is. All she knows is I bug the living daylights out of her and it's all my fault somehow. And it all is centered around her expectation (which I never set) that she should have a free car at 16 and her education provided and even some cash thrown her way after she was married and started her own family.
The truth is that no parent is obligated to pay for college. It's nice to have if your parents (1) have the extra money and (2) are willing to part with it but (3) it's their money and adult children are not entitled to it. It never even crossed my mind that my parents ought to pay for my higher education or backstop me in any other way once I left their home. Nor did I feel wronged or deprived that they didn't. It just wasn't even on the radar. Same goes for all my siblings. They all fended for themselves and never whined that our parents didn't "help".
All a parent is actually obligated to do is get you to the age of majority alive, affirmed, unconditionally loved ... they provide food, shelter, clothing, and mentoring until you can do it for yourself. If it weren't for the vanishing of the middle class and the ridiculous cost of higher education and student loans, I'd be an advocate of an "18 and out" policy for children unless they have diagnosed physical or mental health issues that justify extending the age of "you're on your own". As it is, I think the crazy situation in America where we don't provide affordable, if not free, higher education as a basic human right means that families have to at least try to help out for longer if they can. But it's still nothing a parent should be expected to do or that a child should consider a right or entitlement. Once the kids are all adults, it is your parent's time to rekindle their life together and the only one who is owed anything is the parents ... it's call social reciprocity, gratitude, appreciation and respect.
One other anecdote I'll toss in here to illustrate how this sort of attitude is self-created. I have a good friend from a large family all of whom are upstanding human beings except for one of his sisters. His sister murdered her ex husband and his new wife and ended up with life in prison, effectively orphaning her children.
My friend tells a story of he and some of his siblings returning together to the town they grew up in for some family function years before this happened. They were all reminiscing about what a wonderful idyllic childhood they had together in this beautiful place to grow up, how lucky they were, what wonderful parenting they had, and there was much laughter over shared recollections of various adventures they had. Only this sister didn't chime in. After awhile, she said, in all seriousness words to the effect, "did you guys grow up in some alternate reality? Because my childhood sucked and was full of misery and deprivation and our parents did a crappy job of raising us and I hated everything about it."
The only reasonable conclusion is that she came to see her locus of control as outside herself, in other people and circumstances. This meant nothing was her responsibility or fault. Because how other people act isn't actionable. Eventually she snapped and during her trial it was a classic case of "I did it and I'm glad I did it." She had finally struck out at all her projections and she has unrepentantly clung to that ever since.
Well, we all have to choose positive or negative reactions to things. I think Mordant's post about seeing the locus of control as being outside of oneself, and therefore feeling bitter about how one has been treated is insightful.
But we do choose how to react to things. Bitterness never won any friends though, and eventually the bitter person ends up isolated. I also think that bitterness tends to make people unable to make proactive choices. They might make reactive, negative choices though. And the bitterness becomes the disease you choose to inflict on yourself, poisoning yourself more every day.
The OP's sister sounds as if she made choices to absolve herself, in her own mind, for deficiencies in her life. If she could blame others, then she would not have to blame herself. That's my take.
It is really sad, no? I don't want to live my life like that.
To the OP (Coldjensens): I am sorry your sister turned out like that - what a bummer for you and all the other family members. Lots of people are bitter, but it's a matter of degree. I have no idea how many people are as bitter as your sister. My mother was often bitter - nursed grievances and had a martyr complex - but she was not nearly as completely consumed with it as your sister is.
One thing seems clear to me: You will not be able to do anything to change her for the better. And I imagine no one will ever convince her to get counseling either; after all, everything is the fault of others, so why should she get counseling?
I even doubt if any poster will be able to give you good "advice" because the situation is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it. Who can blame you for venting, however? I found it a fascinating case study, even if depressing.
Best wishes to you and here's hoping you will not take it all to heart so that it gets you down.
OP I feel for you, and I have an older sister that is as consumed with bitterness and your sister is. It has been just over 4 years that she also unfriended me of Facebook and has been estranged from me. This summer when our father passed, I tried to tell her via messenger (since I no longer have her phone number), and she basically told me she has no use for her biological family, and that she didn't care. I realized as another poster said, she will always blame everything on everyone else, and never own up to her own unhappiness being caused by herself. It saddens me in some ways because I have been subsequently cut off to her kids who she brainwashed her whole life, so they have also demonized the "biological" family, including their own fathers. Its a shame, but what can you do? You can only say don't allow yourself to be that bitter and allow her to be a lesson in your own life of what not to do and how not to be??
I am really sorry for what you and your family are going through. Your sister needs to see someone; she sounds mentally ill in my opinion. I was almost that bitter person, most of it due to depression, stress, financial issues, etc. Thankfully between therapy and my faith, I got through it.
Does your sister go to church or have any religious affiliation?
I am really sorry for what you and your family are going through. Your sister needs to see someone; she sounds mentally ill in my opinion. I was almost that bitter person, most of it due to depression, stress, financial issues, etc. Thankfully between therapy and my faith, I got through it.
Does your sister go to church or have any religious affiliation?
I agree that "mentally ill" is not too strong an expression in this case.
OP, it seems you just want us to agree that your sister is unjustly bitter. Sorry, I can't do that.
Even though you were in the same household, there is likely quite a bit you missed. And if you were the favorite, no wonder you think everything was hunky-dory. Because for you, it was.
she was kicked out of the house by my parents when she was 18 because she and mom did not get along
Were you forced to leave home at 18? How about your younger brother, who
was favored and got all the advantages.
My first thought is that she's become increasingly bitter over the years because despite her efforts to make it up to her parents, no one's interested in listening to or helping her. Some family.
As far as the predictable "mentally ill" C-D diagnoses, well, that's C-D for you.
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