How to deal with people consumed by bitterness (passive, parent, issues)
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Some people in my life are completely consumed with bitterness. They feel they somehow got "cheated" in life (usually in childhood) and that is why they are not happy. When I talk to them, the bitterness is all they can discuss. Any normal conversation is short before it turns to the current subject of that anger/bitterness. The focus of their bitterness changes, but the intensity remains the same. Sometimes they are bitter because of some slight they believe their parents imposed, sometimes at a sibling who they are jealous of. (I am talking about people over 50 years old, not angry teens to 20 somethings). Their bitterness seems to consume them entirely. I suspect when I am not seeing them, they are just sitting around brooding over the perceived slights from childhood. Their basis for the bitterness may start with something justified, but it grows and then they exaggerate the slight until they start claiming things happened that did not happen. I think in their minds, the thing they have exaggerated into being to support their bitterness actually occurred (but i know it did not).
I do not know how to deal with such person. If you say much, their bitterness gets turned on you. If you call them out on it, they just blame you for something. A lot of times I just listen and say nothing. I have no idea what to say or what approach to take. I am afraid these people are going to turn their venom to one person after another and end up not talking to anyone and dying alone and without any human contact.
There's no "solution" that you can provide or perform.
The best thing for you is to keep your polite distance. If you were a therapist and such a person were coming to you for help with this problem, that would be a different story. But such a person seeking help would be miles ahead of the people you describe, who probably don't want to change.
There's no single "name" for it, but people with lots of different issues do stuff like this. If they end up dying alone and bitter, that will be by choice.
These people have what I call a "negativity bias", meaning they are either wired to see the negative or they have made a choice to look for the negative. They tend to see the world and a threatening place in the sense that they defensively look for the bad in everything.modten they see themselves as victims.
The person can change this, there is clear academic research that supports this. Specific exercises (mental not physical) can be done and over time a person will shift their bias.
The best thing you can do is limit your time with them, they are exhausting and will suck the life out of you.
Some people in my life are completely consumed with bitterness. They feel they somehow got "cheated" in life (usually in childhood) and that is why they are not happy. When I talk to them, the bitterness is all they can discuss. Any normal conversation is short before it turns to the current subject of that anger/bitterness. The focus of their bitterness changes, but the intensity remains the same. Sometimes they are bitter because of some slight they believe their parents imposed, sometimes at a sibling who they are jealous of. (I am talking about people over 50 years old, not angry teens to 20 somethings). Their bitterness seems to consume them entirely. I suspect when I am not seeing them, they are just sitting around brooding over the perceived slights from childhood. Their basis for the bitterness may start with something justified, but it grows and then they exaggerate the slight until they start claiming things happened that did not happen. I think in their minds, the thing they have exaggerated into being to support their bitterness actually occurred (but i know it did not).
I do not know how to deal with such person. If you say much, their bitterness gets turned on you. If you call them out on it, they just blame you for something. A lot of times I just listen and say nothing. I have no idea what to say or what approach to take. I am afraid these people are going to turn their venom to one person after another and end up not talking to anyone and dying alone and without any human contact.
Is there a name for this? Is there a solution?
Does this person get violent or aggressive? I would say it's passive anger that probably escalates to agressive anger when it escalates.
I have put a lot of time and energy over many years and never have found the key for dealing with this toxic, negative behavior. I just keep my distance which is really sad because she is so very lonely and one of her many complaints is how ungrateful her children are that they never visit. She has made many threats to disinherit my brother and me because we are such bad children to her, but even a phone call is so very exhausting. Redirection to another topic just gives her another thing to complain about. Trying to find humor enrages her
My only unfortunate solution is avoidance. It's very sad.
Some people in my life are completely consumed with bitterness...
... Is there a solution?
First, bless you for wanting to help. This is very much a difficult situation. As our fellow posters here have said, there is nothing you can really do to change their thinking. I think we all know people who stay rooted in their misery as it provides a sad form of comfort for them. There is no humor in their lives at all, and everything is a drama. It is draining for anyone who tries to yank them free. I wish it were different.
I call this "victim mentality". Nothing is their fault. Usually that's followed by the word "ever".
I knew someone like this once, I finally threw it in his face that he was playing the victim. He hated me. But we talked more and more and he opened up to hear what I said and me showing him where he's playing victim (some instances he was a victim, but most weren't). I think because he was open to hearing me, he was open to change. And he did change. Not saying he still wasn't bitter about certain things, but at least it wasn't everything.
But this was one very rare case. All others are too stubborn to even hearing different things or the concept of change. So I usually don't bother becoming friends at all, drop them as friends, or if it's family, distance myself or cut contact.
I think most of us don't change very much after the age of 35. If a person is older than this, and cannot think of anything except how he or she has been slighted, unloved, or shortchanged, then you will just have to cut your conversations short. If a person is a much loved but negative person, then you will have to converse until the conversation turns to his or her losses. Then leave.
I don't think it is out of place to mention how negative a person is, if it is a close family member or very close friend who constantly complains. But with an acquaintance, I don't think I would broach the subject. I'd just make myself scarce.
As others have said, its too bad when people allow themselves to fall into this habit.
I call this "victim mentality". Nothing is their fault. Usually that's followed by the word "ever".
I knew someone like this once, I finally threw it in his face that he was playing the victim. He hated me. But we talked more and more and he opened up to hear what I said and me showing him where he's playing victim (some instances he was a victim, but most weren't). I think because he was open to hearing me, he was open to change. And he did change. Not saying he still wasn't bitter about certain things, but at least it wasn't everything.
But this was one very rare case. All others are too stubborn to even hearing different things or the concept of change. So I usually don't bother becoming friends at all, drop them as friends, or if it's family, distance myself or cut contact.
My Mother is (or I guess I should say was) like that. Very bitter,actually to the point of being hateful. It was as if she wanted everybody to be in the same depressive,bitter state of mind as she was in. Seventeen years ago I chose to "distance myself" from her,then I "cut contact." On the 9th of this month I was told that she had passed away. When I looked online for the Obituary notice in the newspaper is when I learned she had passed away on June 3rd....
Yes Squirl..."It's very sad"
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Trying to find humor enrages her 
