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My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and she liked to make us all late for school so we'd be in trouble. Then we'd get detention and she would have to do some extra driving to pick us up and she'd make a huge deal about how we were bad kids and causing her extra work and act like a martyr to her friends.
My kids both have OCD and it's difficult sometimes to get them out of the house in a timely manner. Right now the older one can't leave without checking that all the lights are off, doors are locked, pets are secure, small appliances and phone chargers are unplugged and faucets are turned off. This would be wonderful, responsible behavior for a teenager if she only had to check those things once, but she has to check multiple times before she can leave. Whenever we go somewhere, we all end up sitting out in the car waiting for her.
I think my husband does the passive-aggressive waiting thing with me when he'd rather not go somewhere.
My mother on the other hand has been late her entire life, no matter where or who. It is just who she is, a scatterbrained, OCD-ish person who just has some kind of mental block or something...she is 83 and not going to change so we just lie to her about what time things start. She doesn't have a passive-aggressive bone in her body though (if she's mad you won't have to guess it, lol).
OMG; you just described me to a "T". Except I'm 48 vs 83.
And my grown kids do the SAME thing to me; if something is supposed to start at 2pm; they will tell ME to be there at Noon.
It usually works well except for one awkward time that I actually showed up "on time" (2hrs early). I was SO proud of myself too; ended up helping the hosts move their furniture back as they had been cleaning the floors in preparation for a party. Neither of us knew I had been told to show up early as it was my son who had invited me for a party at his in-laws.
I'm married to someone who is truly passive-aggressive & it's ridiculous. A 60 year old man giving me the silent treatment ... really? Something ... I don't know ...kind of feminine about it.
The behavior is not a dig at me, or getting back at me for something, its just a habitual behavior that baffles me. Mainly because there's no good reason for it. And it happens ALL the time.
"Let me finish this article" (you can't save it for later?)
"In a few minutes" (but you're not doing anything right now)
I mean, everyone is entitled their own timing but when you've known this (going for a walk, say) has been "coming up" for awhile....why the insistence of even more time?
Being late, not ready on time, all that stuff, does seem to go along with this. It's minor, but it just FEELS like some sort of control being exerted, so that's why I asked.
It feels like I spend my life WAITING.
(and that's a JOB I had in another life!)
To me this says, "I don't really want to hang out with you, but I didn't know how to get out of it when you asked me."
Why keep hanging out with this person, especially when you describe it as a job? I would let this person go.
Yup. My boss was perpetually late. He enjoyed making a grand entrance and sharing his excuse of what delayed him.
He lost a 50 k deal from being late... that was a mild wake-up call... then back to his old antics from thinking that they are just going to love his reasons.
My co worker loved to slam doors and then swear that she didn't behave that way. She was a Fox in sheep clothing...that is what passive/aggresive tends to display...
I maybe intimidated at times and choose not to engage in certain confrontations...that is self preservation which is asserting wisdom ...
Other kinds of passive-aggressive behavior, apart my example of reliance on humor to cope with anger/frustration, include:
Avoidance (including being consistently late for things one finds unpleasant).
Procrastination.
"Forgetting" to call someone back who you really don't want to talk to.
Saying one thing while doing the opposite.
Agreeing to do something you don't want to do, then "forgetting" to do it.
"Silent treatment" or other kinds of shutting down communication.
"Accidentally" doing something to affect the person you're angry with.
Planting seeds (rumors, complaints, discontent) with other people around the person you're angry with, but not directly confronting that person.
Setting up conflicts between other people you're angry with, and sitting back to watch/enjoy the show (this might be conscious or unconscious).
"Assigning" your anger to someone you're close to, who does get overtly angry and expressive (getting them to fight your battles).
Basically anything that avoids directness with the person you're angry/frustrated with, but that stems from your anger/frustration, can be labeled "passive-aggressive."
Yeah, this is how the term is mostly used. I see it in the work forum a lot. Everyone thinks it's terrible, but would you rather the other person sneer, jeer, or insult you to your face? Passive aggression means they don't like direct confrontation to insult you to your face, so they insult you from a distance instead.
I had a friend who was always late. What I finally learned to do was tell her to meet me at the venue (restaurant, show, etc.) and if she wasn't there on time, I ordered or went in to watch the show. And I never arranged to pick her up anymore, or allow her to pick me up. I just drove my own car and did whatever I wanted to do on time. If she ended up there on time, great (never), or she could come find me in the dark in the theater, or join me as I was in the middle of my meal.
Even that got old, though, so I started doing things with other people who would be on time, and invited her to join us. Because sometimes she wouldn't even show up.
In her case, I think it was just a matter of being scatter brained, over-committed, smoking too much pot LOL. I don't think she was trying to make a point. She was just a flake. But, you don't have to cater to flakes.
OMG; you just described me to a "T". Except I'm 48 vs 83.
And my grown kids do the SAME thing to me; if something is supposed to start at 2pm; they will tell ME to be there at Noon.
It usually works well except for one awkward time that I actually showed up "on time" (2hrs early). I was SO proud of myself too; ended up helping the hosts move their furniture back as they had been cleaning the floors in preparation for a party. Neither of us knew I had been told to show up early as it was my son who had invited me for a party at his in-laws.
I'm married to someone who is truly passive-aggressive & it's ridiculous. A 60 year old man giving me the silent treatment ... really? Something ... I don't know ...kind of feminine about it.
Well, I've had my own issues with it too, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree lol. I am pretty good now, on time much more often than not, but I still harbor the nickname "Auntie I'm Late" in my family.
I feel for you with the P-A husband, it drove me crazy with my ex and turned me into a co-dependent, trying to guess and "fix" in advance anything that might set him off, especially when it was something he didn't want to do - like go to my family's for Thanksgiving (he is estranged from his own family, no surprise).
It would be one thing if I made him go or told him I'd be mad if he didn't, but I always gave him an out and told him it was fine if he didn't want to go (I'd much rather him not go then sit on the couch in scowling silence with his arms crossed the whole day, it was highly embarrassing as he appeared more as a petulant toddler than a 50 year old man).
But he would insist he DID want to go, over and over...then he'd be 20 minutes late picking me up, and I knew what was coming because he was normally timely....I'd again say "it's fine if you don't want to" but still he would insist he did, but I could already sense the anger underneath, which he would continually deny. Then on the road, he would do other P-A things, like suddenly take off his seat belt (he knew I would very bothered by that).
Then we'd get there and he'd find any stupid reason he could to punish me and my family for daring to have him over for the holiday. One of the biggest fights we ever had was on the way back from T-Day at my relative's, and it stemmed from her serving dessert too late (in his opinion). I mean, c'mon, your pie is late so you embarrass me publicly, scream at me all the way home, and totally ruin my holiday...again you are 50 and you claim to love me??? ALL of it was because he really didn't want to go but was too cowardly to just say so. He never set boundaries or said what he wanted, but God forbid you didn't read his mind and discern it magically.
Well, I've had my own issues with it too, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree lol. I am pretty good now, on time much more often than not, but I still harbor the nickname "Auntie I'm Late" in my family.
I feel for you with the P-A husband, it drove me crazy with my ex and turned me into a co-dependent, trying to guess and "fix" in advance anything that might set him off, especially when it was something he didn't want to do - like go to my family's for Thanksgiving (he is estranged from his own family, no surprise).
It would be one thing if I made him go or told him I'd be mad if he didn't, but I always gave him an out and told him it was fine if he didn't want to go (I'd much rather him not go then sit on the couch in scowling silence with his arms crossed the whole day, it was highly embarrassing as he appeared more as a petulant toddler than a 50 year old man).
But he would insist he DID want to go, over and over...then he'd be 20 minutes late picking me up, and I knew what was coming because he was normally timely....I'd again say "it's fine if you don't want to" but still he would insist he did, but I could already sense the anger underneath, which he would continually deny. Then on the road, he would do other P-A things, like suddenly take off his seat belt (he knew I would very bothered by that).
Then we'd get there and he'd find any stupid reason he could to punish me and my family for daring to have him over for the holiday. One of the biggest fights we ever had was on the way back from T-Day at my relative's, and it stemmed from her serving dessert too late (in his opinion). I mean, c'mon, your pie is late so you embarrass me publicly, scream at me all the way home, and totally ruin my holiday...again you are 50 and you claim to love me???
I don't know how you do it, but I feel for you.
OMG; the holidays! I thought I was the only one!
I can't even recall how many times I load the kids in the car & go by myself. If I beg him to go he answers "Why? You don't want ME there anyway".
Last Thanksgiving we had here & he spent the entire time pouting in the basement. Made a big dramatic exit & entrance to walk to the store to get himself a Pepsi because the beer & soda I had bought were not good enough for him. On his way back in my dad said "Hey; how's it going?"
And he answered "I'm okay. I just don't want to be around HER anymore (looking at me)." To my dad, in front of my kids & grandkids ...
In 13 years he has not once bought me a Christmas/Birthday present. Nor his own kids
On his birthday I brought home his favorite cupcakes, bought Pizza for lunch & he wouldn't even come upstairs. My one daughter had been working hard all day in a Jazz workshop with a concert planned that evening; she was so excited to give her dad a "birthday concert".
He wouldn't go. Same thing "Why do want ME to go?" OMG. She was 14 years old & sobbed in the car all the way home.
Something snapped in me that day. I honestly hate him. I'm nice to him but I hate him. I can't leave because I have a disabled 12 year old & have not worked in 10 years to be his caregiver. My husband has isolated me from all the money; he has several accounts/cards all in his name only. He gives me a cash "allowance" for food & gas that barely gets me through. I think I have $3.00 in my account.
If I inherit any money ever the first thing I will do is to leave. It's horrible to hear the kids whisper "Why's dad so mad?" "You know ...it's a HOLIDAY ..."
I'm not a violent person. But that day of the concert, his birthday; was the first time in my life I had to rationalize to myself that if I did what I was going to do; my kids would have NO parent; because I'd be in prison.
Oh gosh; sorry, I've rambled on & on. I didn';t realize how angry I was until I saw your comment about your ex & the holidays, tiptoing on eggshells ALL the time ... Good grief; I really got worked up!
The behavior is not a dig at me, or getting back at me for something, its just a habitual behavior that baffles me. Mainly because there's no good reason for it. And it happens ALL the time.
"Let me finish this article" (you can't save it for later?)
"In a few minutes" (but you're not doing anything right now)
I mean, everyone is entitled their own timing but when you've known this (going for a walk, say) has been "coming up" for awhile....why the insistence of even more time?
Being late, not ready on time, all that stuff, does seem to go along with this. It's minor, but it just FEELS like some sort of control being exerted, so that's why I asked.
It feels like I spend my life WAITING.
(and that's a JOB I had in another life!)
It is possible they don't like being told what to do, where to go, when to be there, etc and putting it off or showing up late is their way of passive aggressively getting payback for being told what to do and when to do it. But it's also possible they are just a little self centered and inconsiderate and don't see what the big deal is about being on time.
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. One of the biggest fights we ever had was on the way back from T-Day at my relative's, and it stemmed from her serving dessert too late (in his opinion). I mean, c'mon, your pie is late so you embarrass me publicly, scream at me all the way home, and totally ruin my holiday...again you are 50 and you claim to love me???
ALL of it was because he really didn't want to go but was too cowardly to just say so. He never set boundaries or said what he wanted, but God forbid you didn't read his mind and discern it magically.
Just and "FYI" / Afterthought:
