Somewhat Burned Out - Too Many Irons in the Fire (mentally, woman)

[JerZ]

...or is that "on the fire"? I can never remember.

Anyway...mods, if this doesn't belong in Psychology, would you mind moving it to where you feel it should go? I'm really not sure, myself.

I am SO BURNED OUT right now, you guys. Somebody help...(drowning woman frantically waves hand above the water) I have two children at home who are school age, one with special needs, though he largely does his own thing now (it's much easier than when he was little). I have worked from home since both children were quite small but it was only in the past two years that my from-home work became regular. Now, it is about five hours a day.

I have primary care of the household and the children as my husband commutes and does not get home until after 8:00 PM. By then homework, baths, appointments and so on are all taken care of by me. So is, primarily, laundry, dishes (my husband sometimes does dishes on weekends, but otherwise, I mean...he is just not here, he can't), housecleaning and that sort of thing. I also make my children's lunches in the morning, give them their medications, see to it that they have brushed hair, deodorant, cleaned faces and teeth and all the stuff they need for the school day. And now that I have started school (see below) I get up earlier as I have to have this all done and then be out the door for school.

Last year I started learning the violin along with my son. I was quickly addicted though now I seem at a standstill for the past several months. I stopped seeing my violin teacher when I began school and I just feel I'm stagnating and am trying to find ways to improve on technique now that I have some basics down.

Meanwhile I started school this August. I have two classes.

Oh, and I almost forgot...at the start of this year I began a diet and workout routine. I have stuck steadfastly to this for 10 months now and intend for it to go on forever. Women in my age group need something weight-bearing and I can not eat a single extra calorie nowadays without blowing up, so...that's a constant and a "forever" thing.

I am BURNED OUT. God. I am just...mentally tired. And sometimes physically. In addition to my exercise I try to walk every day, for example. And yesterday we had a really fun day in South Pasadena. It was great but at one point I was afraid because my legs literally felt like they were buckling. We were walking, looking for a place to eat. I thought I was going to fall down. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to scare anybody.

Is this all just too much? It shouldn't be. I mean I still have "extra time" in my day (especially at night) to literally just sit and stare at the tube. Is it all mental? I do feel continuously stressed by my lack of violin progress, fear over school and my grades and my work-work, which I feel has fallen off somewhat time-wise since I began school. There is just so much to take care of.

I don't want to drop any of these things.

How can I manage my time better? Is it an age thing? Is that really true? I always figured if a person stays active, she will stay able. True? Untrue?

Any help? Advice? Anyone else with a busy schedule - how do you manage everything? How do you keep your stress level down?

[Pitt Chick]

I have been a firm believer that I CAN do it all... but I realized that I CANNOT do it all at once.
As you are trying to do.

You need to pare down, sooner than later.

You cannot continue to give and do for others when you are at the point of exhaustion!

[the minx]

You're doing this to yourself. Why? You clearly have a few choices to alleviate some stress.

[JerZ]

Thank you both.

I really don't know why I'm so driven. All my life I've felt I was inherently lazy overall (If I could, I'd be curled up with a book 24/7) but that I was seriously driven in some area and could not let myself rest. Often that was my parenting but rarely exclusively that. There was usually something else in there. Work has always figured in, for example.

I have decided to pull back on my expectations in these areas. If I get a B in English class due to a stupid mistake, so what? I still learned something (quite a bit, actually) and passed the course, and my aim is not to achieve the highest possible GPO in order to roll over into a competitive school. If my violin playing isn't amazing, so what? I'm "allowed" to keep doing it. Well, within reason. It wouldn't be cool for me to be sawing away at midnight with the rest of the house in agony.

I don't really want to drop any one of these things entirely and I do not feel for health or fitness reasons that my pull-back area could possibly be working out and eating right, so I will just have to relax a hair on the other two.

[JrzDefector]

Do you NEED to work?
I know very few families that have both parents working jobs when there is a special needs kid in the house.

Alternatively, can you hire a housecleaner? Or a chef or someone to "babysit" the kids in the afternoons so you have some time to yourself? Can the hubs do more on the weekends? Commuting wears you out, but you are burnt to a crisp

I also would like to tout my latest obsession - bullet journaling. You have so many things going on, I feel like you could really benefit from it. It helps you organize your day in a very organic way. Don't buy into all the fancy schmancy artistic bullet journals - there are folks who embrace the pure functionality, so it doesn't have to involve washi tape and watercolors and stencils and macrame or whatever the hell they're doing.

[oh-eve]

You have too much on your plate. Cut corners somewhere where it doesn't hurt so much or you'll have a break down the sooner or later.


Make time for yourself to just RELAX.


Do you need to take classes right now? Can't it wait until the kids need less supervision? Or only take one class? Take a nap here and there? I have a sleep disease and my doctor recommends 20 minute naps. Longer ones don't benefit you apparently. Most people 40 and up that I know take naps, totally normal.


You are in Southcali like me - I resisted for very long but I gave in and hired a housekeeper. She comes every two weeks and it is AWESOME. $60 and the house is CLEAN (about 3 hours cleaning). I don't have children but I rented out two rooms to students and boy are they dirty. If they mess up the oven - no more yelling or cleaning for hours - the cleaning lady takes care of it. Dirty windows? Cleaning lady ... much cleaner than if I would do it myself and they are really worth the money. SAves a ton of time. If you want to throw a party and the patio is dirty - give the cleaning lady $10 extra and voila!


I take online classes. Saves a ton of time. I often have my books with me if I need to wait somewhere and read while waiting instead of getting impatient for losing valuable time. I take them to the gym also.


Online colleges can have a good reputation if they are not an online only college but actually have a real campus as well. I work like an animal from Mon-Fr and on the weekend, it is just FUN time. I refuse to do chores or school work. Otherwise I couldn't do 6 years of school, I need that balance. In 6 weeks I'll have my masters.

[homina12]

I suspect that you can't keep up this pace and feel better about it. The biggest part of time management in my experience is managing distractions (hello, not with two kids) and delegating. Can you get any things done by others that you're doing now?

Perhaps, if you're committed to all of those activities, there's a way to change your perception of it? Something like the Zen thing about pain and suffering. Your schedule sounds like a pain, but maybe the suffering you're doing could be avoided with a different perception of the pain?

[bohunak]

Wow, I totally hear you. I was in the same boat, in my 20's. Two boys a year apart, older one with disabilities. Husband always working. No one to help me. Tried to run my business. And, by the way, I played violin:-) since I was 5 years old. I had to rearrange my life, otherwise I would burn out.
Economy "helped me" to decide to close my business. I was thinking to go to school that time, but decided to postpone it. I was concentrating on raising my boys and help as much as I can my older one. I was still alone (my husband working all the time) but had more time for myself. I love violin , I love to read and love history.

You have to slow down. You are not burned out, not yet. (You would not be able to do anything), but if you'll continue this way, you'll end up there.
Violin is extremely difficult instrument. I remember times, when I was preparing for concert and played 5-6 hours a day.:-)
BUT, it's your hobby. It should not make you tired, it should stand you up. If you feel it's draining your energy just stop it for little bit.
You are not wonder woman, you are regular human:-) Slow down and start to enjoy your life a little. Take a breath.

[JerZ]

Thanks, everyone.

Yes, I do have to work. That part is non-negotiable.

I don't really want to do fewer classes, though I might do some semesters with only one class if I can't get it together. As it is I will be 52 years old with my current course load just to be finished with JC. So slower than that would be...well, not ideal. But I think that is probably where I have wiggle room. I think if I relax my expectations that will help. I don't HAVE to get straight As (though so far that's what I have). I don't have to be the biggest violin talent in the world. These things are supposed to be enjoyable and relaxing, not constant performance pressure.

[silibran]

My kids used to make their own lunches from a pretty young age. I also taught them to do their own laundry during their middle school years. My husband also had tasks on the weekend.

You should not have to be making sure your kids are using deodorant. If they are old enough to need deodorant, they are old enough to get themselves ready for school and out the door. Your husband should take on all dishwashing and homework tasks on the weekends. He could run his own laundry for instance.

Delegate!