Tired of being my entire family's personal secretary (girls, people, husband)
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I reminded my sister two weeks ago
...
This morning I e-mailed her
...
I've mentioned that there's a play
IMHO, this is all on you. You are choosing to do this, it's not like they asked you to, right? So just choose to stop.
Maybe your daughter didn't care about going to the play in the first place. Since she'd "almost" forgotten, just don't buy her anymore tickets.
So what if your sister doesn't come to book club? How does that affect you?
As far as your husband, well, I keep track of our appointments and I set up reminders to remind him. He's my husband and he likes to feel like I am taking care of him.
The rest, just stop doing. And no need to make a big announcement, they will probably be glad to not have you acting like a "mom" to them.
I say this because I have a friend that bought us tickets to a play and we were going with her & her husband. I'm a grown adult and I don't need her to remind me, but she called me twice the week before to tell me not to forget. That irked me.
It could be that in reality you were just more interested in all those events. And regarding tickets - you gave them, they thanked you, it ends there IMHO. It's up to them how and whether to use the gift. When I give a gift, I want the person to enjoy it, not seek eternal gratitude for myself. I give gift receipts and have no problem if someone choses to return it. To be honest, I'd find it super annoying if someone gave me a season pass but then called me every time reminding to use it.
My grandma used to say that those who want look for an opportunity and those who don't look for an excuse. If all those events were truly important to those people they would have found an opportunity. It's nice of you to think of others but it's not worth stressing about.
For TraceySam, helping her S/O realize she wasn't his mother was necessary. The difference between her and the OP is, she didn't do it the entire time they were together. I'm assuming that, with the OP's husband being in his 70's, the two of them have been together a long time. The moment to have the conversation about personal responsibility has long passed. The OP has owned it, up until this moment, and has decided that she is simply done with it.
Okay, so how did that conversation go with the hubby? Was there a conversation or was this a unilateral "I'm sick of it and I'm done" internal conversation.
In general, men are fairly simple creatures and mostly predictable. We do tend to put more emphasis on things we like to do and less on the things we don't. Take the season tickets to the theater - were those tickets your idea or his? Do you believe he bought those because he loved the theater or because you did?
There are trade-offs in relationships. He may not like the theater, but chooses to go and buy the season tickets because she likes it. She may not like maintaining his schedule because, until now, she did it as a labor of love.
The OP ultimately chose this path. Been doing so, apparently, for quite some time. Is it wrong to change now? Well, that's ultimately up to you, but the manner in which you are doing so seems less than loving.
Would it be so bad to talk with the people you have issues with and let them know that you would rather not stay in the role you have taken on voluntarily? Have you tried?
I think that the OP is correct about forcing those family members to become responsible for their own actions. By continuing to enable them to be less responsible than they should be, the OP is allowing them to fail to develop as they should.
I am absolutely not criticizing the OP, but I do want him/her to understand that it is important for each of them to--finally--develop their own sense of responsibility, and if that includes some failures...so be it...because those negative experiences will help them to learn how to do the right thing.
While it is not directly comparable, please allow me to relate a personal experience from many years ago. I was one of a small group of people who founded a human rights organization in my home state. All of the "founding fathers and mothers" took on leadership roles or one sort or another, and the organization grew over the next few years. However, due to some people moving out of the area, and to other circumstances, little by little the founders disappeared, leaving only me as the "old timer".
I had originally been the VP of the group. When the Recording Secretary departed, I assumed that role also, as none of the newcomers was willing to take that post. Then, a few months later, the Corresponding Secretary moved away, and I took on that responsibility also because--again--none of the newcomers expressed interest, despite several pleas for their help. Even the Membership Coordinator drifted away, and I wound up with that job also.
Then, the President of the group died, and I was suddenly thrust into that position, in addition to all of the posts that I mentioned previously. By that time, the only post that I did not hold was Treasurer. No matter how many entreaties I delivered at meetings or via mail about the necessity for new people to step forward and to assume some of the responsibilities, the silence was...deafening.
I managed to "hold it together" for the remainder of the year before I came to the conclusion that allowing 30 or so members to merely sit by the sidelines and enjoy the social aspects of the group while I did 90% of the "grunt work" was unfair to the organization, as well as to me. If the group was to grow and to develop, something needed to change in a dramatic manner, so I resigned from all of my posts, and left the organization.
Well, lo and behold, other people finally did step forward after I departed--according to the members with whom I remained in communication. The organization never did grow very much from its size when I departed, but the bottom line is that it did survive, and thrive, for--probably--about 5 more years.
All too many people are only too willing to let another person do the hard work, and that applies to both family members and to members of organizations. If you allow them to sit back and allow you to do the thinking for them, they will never develop as they should.
Your husband is behaving like most guys I have been with. They have selected memory. It is what it is and there are worse things to be mad about. If I was you, I would continue to remind him and help him manage.
You are retired, so you have the time .... Is it really too much to remind people you love? If you don't act like their planner anymore, they will not remember and you'll sit at the play/game alone .. is that what you want?
Regarding your daughter - you didn't have to give her tickets. don't do it next year. One task off your list.
I often make appts with friends and then a day before I confirm. And I work full time and go to college - I dont mind, it takes a few minutes out of my day.
I think you are overreacting to something minor. I would be glad to have a daughter, sister, or husband around me. Not everybody is so fortunate.
WHOA!!!!
I have to respond to this.
1. Yes, her husband is acting typical for a husband - and I don't think she's talking about cutting him off, or hanging him out to dry. But she CAN tell him her frustrations and come up with some other way to handle it. Maybe get a dry erase calendar and put appointments on there. Yes, she's probably still going to have to remind him, but maybe not as often. Who knows? I think the frustration is cumulative, not just from her husband. Maybe if she handles some of this other stress, he won't stress her out too much. But I also think that she should "allow" him to "forget" some things and suffer the consequences. By that, I don't mean go to weddings or funerals alone - I just mean maybe not saying much of anything but starting to get dressed, make preparations, whatever and when he says, "What are you doing?" point to the calendar and say, "Please train yourself to look at this calendar. We have dinner tonight with friends - I'm getting ready. If you're going, you should do the same." Something like that.
2. She's retired - that doesn't mean she has to live life as an enabler. She doesn't have to be her sister's or her her daughter's life planner - PLEASE!!!!! One absent minded husband is more than enough, believe me. But she needs to tell them that she's bowing out of that job - and then do it. JUST DO IT.
Look, Katzpur, clearly the book club and the plays are more important to you than they are to other people. Maybe, just maybe, they were never that interested to begin with, and MAYBE (not saying for sure, but possibly), they may either consciously or subconsciously resent you planning this stuff for them and "forcing" them to participate in things they aren't all that interested in anyway. Regardless, you are going to have to let them feel some consequences.
My best friend is flaky, flaky, flaky when it comes to getting together. What I've done with her is just be firm. She rarely actually cancels something - she more often has some sort of crazy excuse and tries to reschedule. If it's no skin off my nose, even though it irritates me, I'll usually just go along with it. But if it requires actual inconvenience on my part, I just say no - that won't work for me. Sorry. And then go on with my day. Guess what - she is still my best friend. I still love her and she still loves me. But she also knows that if she is late (I mean like 30 minutes late, not five minutes late), I will just leave if I'm already some place waiting on her, but generally speaking, I just don't even leave my house till I've ascertained that she's alive and on track. I also don't call her to remind her of stuff anymore. She knows that - and she also knows I won't actually go anywhere till SHE has called or texted ME to let me know she will be there.
Yes, it irritates me but at least I'm not sitting around in a restaurant or coffee shop waiting on her. It's some give on my part but it's not all give on my part if that makes sense. Friends and family ARE worth some bit of frustration, but that doesn't mean we have to be a door mat.
3. Eve, I don't think that Katzpur is frustrated by confirming appointments. She's frustrated by the fact that when she DOES call to confirm, the people in her life act perpetually surprised, and are not prepared for whatever the event is - and often cancel when she does call to confirm. That is a different situation. Take your situation - you call to confirm, and I would bet that when you do, people generally show up or if they very occasionally cancel, it's not the norm. But what if every time you called to confirm stuff with your friends and family, they acted as if they had totally forgotten and they often canceled because they were not prepared, had made other (obviously more important to them) plans, etc? THAT'S what's irritating - not the calling to confirm, but the lack of regard and common courtesy from her family.
This is a problem for me also because with my ASD/ADD; I have the executive functioning of ... I don't know; a 15 year old.
At least 10 times a week I can be heard saying "The fact that you guys are relying on ME is a very scary thought ...WE ARE DOOMED."
It started with my husband loosing the ability to somehow answer an e-mail. It then progressed to not being able to pay a bill on line.
He then suddenly could not order anything off ebay or Amazon.
Nxt was the ability to find a number/save a number into his very own phone's contact list. Answer a text. Search on Craigslist.
Search on Google ... "Well; how would YOU word ...blah blah blah? Your so much better at it then me ..."
This weekend we finally acheived the complete & total loss of him being able to order Pizza. So I ordered the Pizza.
From a place that carried Coke vs Pepsi products ...so he spent the rest of the night pouting in the basement over the freaking soda options.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal
I don't know how old you and your husband are but his gradual loss of abilities to do simple tasks indicates that he is suffering from some kind of dementia. Have you taken him to a doctor an evaluation?
coschristi, please take your husband to a neuropsychologist or neuropsychiatrist for a complete cognitive evaluation. The type of decline of skills that you are describing is a classic marker for early dementia or early Alzheimer's. Please do not just assume that he is doing that so that you have more work to do or because he is stubborn.
And, don't just assume that he is OK if he is younger. My husband first started his decline into dementia , and showed similar symptoms, in his late 40s. And there are a surprisingly large amount of caregivers in my dementia/Alzheimer's support groups whose loved one first showed similar symptoms in their 50s and early 60s.
Does your husband use a cell phone? If so, Google Calendar can be told to send reminders to his phone. It's a great tool to keep families rolling. (You'd still have to enter things on Google Calendar, and set the reminders for him, but it would be better than nothing!)
As for your sister and daughter? You've trained them well. Let them swim on their own from now on. You derive too much esteem from being the organized one.
I've decided that they're all adults and it's time they just took the consequences for their negligence. I'm done reminding them of upcoming things on their calendars. Have any of you dealt with a situation like this before? Did you do what I intend to do or something different? And did it work or not?
I've been married a few months short of fifty years. That's a long time to be the family communicator (or cleaner or cook or anything!)
I stopped reminding the kids when they left the parental home. But I continued to take responsibility for all our correspondence and communication with his side of the family until both his parents were gone.
I still mention to him things like his sibling's birthdays and other reasons he needs to communicate but he seldom does take action. For that I no longer take responsibility.
How much contact he wants or needs with his family is up to him.
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