Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDesertFox67
I'm 19, I've been gay since before I even knew what being gay was. My family is your typical Christian family, and that's where the conflict lies. I consider myself a Christian, I go to church, read, pray, try being a good person, but I'm gay. Recently, I came out to my family, then left, I'm in the Marines, 3000 miles away, and across an ocean. My family took it very well, especially compared to how I thought they would. But the problem is, I'm not okay with being gay, and I put the blame on them for making me hate myself.
A few days ago, I cut all ties to them, I changed my number, They don't have my address, they have no way of talking to me, I know its a ****ty thing to do, I understand that, but I don't regret it.
I just want to stop hating myself. Has anyone else had this issue, and been able to fix it? I just want to fix it, I tried being straight, it didn't work, I just want to not hate myself.
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I'm happy the Marine Corps has changed since the time I was in towards gay men. Back when I was in from 1989 to 1993 male gay Marines stood the chance of being beaten to death. Back then there were no gay Marines. There were of course. But my point is that it was hidden. The Marine Corps was the most homophobic culture I have ever been in. It was far more homophobic than my time later spent in civilian jail--where we had one very tall and flaming homosexual inmate with his effiminate mannerisms. He was fine in that suburban Wisconsin jail. He would have been rushed to the hospital in the Marine Corps I came up in. Heterosexual Marines were even homophobic with one another. The slightest thing could irk someone as being probably "gay." Though the "F" word was tossed around more.
You have an obsession. Like an alcoholic to alcohol or crack cocaine addict to crack. AA will tell you that obsessions and cravings are different things. Obsession is what keeps you mentally focused on starting
and stopping on a thing you are addicted to. Craving is the physical manifestation that results once you actual use or do x thing you are addicted to.
AA is a
spiritual program. Hence it is taught in AA to
pray to God of your understanding to lift the obsession from you. This is vaguely articulated in Step #2.
Many in AA believe the alcoholic and heroin and crack addict where genetically born so. Nonetheless, they believe God can change them via practice of the 12 Steps born out of Christianity in the Oxford Movement. That requires Step #6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
As Step #4 focuses on discovering character defects via writing down
resentments. And what you describe about your parents is in fact a resentment.
Step #5 requires
confession of personal wrongs you have committed, of personal emotional and psychological trauma suffered and carried such as being sexually molested as a child. This confession step which must be told to another human being was probably borrowed by the Anglican/Episcopalians in the Oxford Movement from the Catholic Church with its sacrament of confession/reconciliation.
Step #10 requires the person to take personal account of their flaws and wrongs for the rest of their life.
Step #12 requires preaching the gospel of salvation and conversion. The AA gospel.
So, I am saying, you don't require as a physical need a penis or needle in you or a bottle of brandy in your mouth. If you don't need it but still obsess over
starting and
stopping (stopping as in: I hate being a crack head and I want to stop but I can't), then chances are you are addicted. In your case sexually to the opposite sex. If you never obsess over men (or the opposite sex) then you would probably not be addicted to men or women sexually.
My main suggestion is only this: come to terms with your resentments and also discover where
you played a role in all of it as well.
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