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So I have always known I had a little bit of anxiety/depression, I can remember as far back as middle school days dealing with some of this. It comes and goes, but seems to be worse when situational life events happen. I have been struggling more with depression ever since a break up a couple months ago, and it's making daily life sometimes difficult to deal with. Today at work I made a really stupid mistake, I knew I shouldn't do it but I wasn't using my head to make a better decision and it happened. My boss found out and she actually got talked to by another manager because of my action. I care so much about how others view me and how this mistake will make me feel like I am walking on eggshells at work because I did something so stupid. I can't bear the thought of people not liking me or thinking I'm stupid. I had a lot of anxiety leaving work that day and on the drive home, I was sobbing, thinking about how I just wish I wasn't here anymore and it would be better to be dead so I don't have to deal with life.. I know I would absolutely never act on this, but the fact that I was even thinking that way in the moment scares me. As I type this I don't feel so extreme, but still very hard on myself and wish I could go back and erase my mistake.
Would it help to sit down with your supervisor and offer an apology for whatever you did? It will show your supervisor that you care about your place at work, the work you do, and that you try to be a valuable person. They may well sympathize and assure you that a formal apology wasn't expected or necessary. Everyone makes mistakes...its owning up to them that matters. Its a civil gesture and an adult one after all. That should make you feel a bit better about the whole thing. It might also make it easier to talk with this person about work anxiety. They may be able to help reduce the stress once they know its there. They may also appreciate your concern for them. Turning a bad situation around so it is more about another person instead of yourself can be very very powerful.
I know exactly what you are feeling believe me. Finding a way to relieve someone else usually made me feel better.
Allison gave you some great suggestions. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up so bad about making a mistake. We all makes mistakes and will continue to make them; it's a part of being human. As long as your mistake is not due to gross negligence and a lack of concern for your work (which it doesn't sound like it was), then it shouldn't be something that will cause a catastrophe to happen at work (like you lose your job). Hopefully your work has in place an environment where you learn from mistakes and not seek someone to blame.
I work in a field where mistakes can be very, very deadly. But they happen. Thankfully most of the time they're not life-threatening, but they can be. When I make a mistake, I look at it as a time for me to learn how it happened and how to avoid it in the future--like in what area does it seem I'm not taking sufficient carefulness in? Try to look at your mistakes as opportunities to learn from them. Perfectionism can be a good attitude to have since you are concerned about doing things right (which is generally very good!) but an extreme attitude towards that will have negative effects like it does for you such as your anxiety and other negative thoughts. Unfortunately, we are not perfect. We will make mistakes. Your employer should understand that, and hopefully in time you will be less severe on yourself when you make them!
So I have always known I had a little bit of anxiety/depression, I can remember as far back as middle school days dealing with some of this. It comes and goes, but seems to be worse when situational life events happen. I have been struggling more with depression ever since a break up a couple months ago, and it's making daily life sometimes difficult to deal with. Today at work I made a really stupid mistake, I knew I shouldn't do it but I wasn't using my head to make a better decision and it happened. My boss found out and she actually got talked to by another manager because of my action. I care so much about how others view me and how this mistake will make me feel like I am walking on eggshells at work because I did something so stupid. I can't bear the thought of people not liking me or thinking I'm stupid. I had a lot of anxiety leaving work that day and on the drive home, I was sobbing, thinking about how I just wish I wasn't here anymore and it would be better to be dead so I don't have to deal with life.. I know I would absolutely never act on this, but the fact that I was even thinking that way in the moment scares me. As I type this I don't feel so extreme, but still very hard on myself and wish I could go back and erase my mistake.
You did it on purpose, you set yourself up.
You implicated yourself with ", I knew I shouldn't do it but ...."
The 'BUT' is the rationalization, that is the lie you are having trouble swallowing.
Part of you is doing this, you might be only vaguely aware.
Wishing you were dead is what that part of you wants you to think.
You will never find your truth unless you are hard on yourself, failing to do so will set in motion chains of events (you already do this) and life will be far harder on you in response.
I've been there and walked every inch of that road.
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