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The actor George Sanders left this suicide note to express his views:
"Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck"
There are times when life can seem useless, and one may ask, "Why? What's the purpose or all of this?"
Since we're all unique, no one can answer for another.
I've been asked if I fear death, and my reply is, "No, I fear life more." But then, things that have occurred in my life are 180 from what others may experience.
I do my best to find positives and do things that are enjoyable; realizing that being content is best for me - I don't think about being 'happy' since most times happiness is dependent on an event and may not be ongoing.
In the final analysis, it's what each of us makes do with what we have and what works for each person.
Thankfully, I've never been the type to get bored and find many things to occupy my mind and my time. I'm here for now, so I'll make the best of it.
My dad openly said to me a year or two ago that he wouldn't mind death. He was sorta ready I guess. His wife died a three or so years ago. He took that hard and he was lonely. He broke his leg a few years ago and even with surgery and therapy he never really got the use back fully. So he struggled to get around, his wife was gone and was alone a lot. He lives out of state from me. Right around Christmas time due to lack of walking ability he fell and struck his head and died about a week or so later. My fears and worries played out exactly as I was afraid that they would. So after the shock and trauma of him dying so suddenly. I realize that he's better off, I know in my heart of hearts that if we could talk to him, he'd be ok with it. It gives me a certain level of comfort thinking that way. My dad had a fabulous life. He was an outgoing extrovert type. He had lots of friends was well regarded by people. He went on more vacations and trips than I can recall. At his funeral service which was probably about 300 people, so many people spoke at the service that I couldn't keep track. Lots of good stories.
So, long story short I think my dad would probably have fit into the OP's category. He was ready....
Every time I think my best years are behind me, something better comes along. Well, eventually it does. I have only two wishes regarding death - first, not to outlive my child, and second, not to burden him too much in my old age.
Good grief, there is SO MUCH we don't know about you, maybe others do but I sure don't...your age for one. There are so many "THINGS" to help keep us even and I'm 79 and continue to work on myself. I deal with bodywide OA and could scream a lot if that would help...some times it does just to vent.
Thyroid have you ever looked into thyroid support..thyroid CONTROLS so much of our body issues...69 some issues.
Give of yourself, do service/volunteer work. That's a great gift to give to others and oneself.
Just read alcohol and MJ are your buddies, could be your big problem. Clear the Mind and do some good.
You are an inspiration - thank you for this response for others going through the same "what's the point?" mindset (I know this well).
I don't have anything to look forward to when I think of it. Seeing my grandkids doing well in college and getting their lives started could be a couple good ones.
I find myself after this terrible knee rehab of 4.5 months and I wanted to die back then, and now so happy to be home, walking with my walker, sometimes taking some long steps without the walker, laughing now and then with friends...eating some tasty foods.
Seeing the SUN, could certainly be thyroid if you've never gotten into the endo system.
Now if one is so sick and propped up with drugs and tubes, and I don't want that, the I'll call on the Compassion and Choices organization. We're dead a LONG TIME.
My life is much much harder than being dead so in that way I understand you.
But unlike you I'm very passionate about life,it seems like you don't have anything youre passionate about.
I feel the same way. Now that my grandma died , I just don't have any purpose. I have friends but they are back home and without her, it's not really home anymore.
This has definitely been the roughest period in my adult life.
I've always been someone who needs a reason to do stuff. I guess a lot of people do it for their kids. Idk, the idea of working just for my own well being seems like "eh, idc".
All I see for myself is another 25 years of working and then hoping that whatever NH I get stuck in doesn't abuse me too much.
I'm sure I'll have a few moments of happiness here and there but I'd just as soon be done with this ride.
I'm not suicidal but even if I was, the people who really hurt me would never understand cuz it's like they say "if they don't treat you right when you're around, what's the difference if you aren't?".
I think my main problem besides the crap I'm trying to recover from is that I have no idea where I belong. Indiana doesn't feel like home anymore, I hate NY so much but I have good job opportunities. It's not really feasible to go visit 10 states and decide. If I was 25, I'd just get in the car and start over anywhere but I have adult responsibilities like student loans and a dog.
On the bright side, no one who meets me has any idea how blah I feel cuz I figure I can fake it until I make it and like the other poster said, in a year it could be totally different. Another reason I don't act like a sourpuss is bc I remember someone once said that in the beginning you are pushing them away but after awhile they don't want to be around you anyway. I don't want to be the person no one likes.
Wow. So many nice responses and good suggestions. Thanks, all.
Someone mentioned a bit of background.
I'm 48. An accident messed me up quite bad in 2009...almost killed me. Neurological damage. I can no longer have intercourse, I walk with a cane, have pretty serious chronic pain which robs me of sleep, I have tremors and a stutter that are increasing in severity. Most people likely think I have cerebral palsy. I do get a lot of stares.
A few months back my wife left me for another man, whom she loves and plans to spend the rest of her life with. I understand this, I truly do, but it's hard. My daughters (almost 18 and 19) stay at their mom's place with her loverman almost exclusively. I don't blame them either. The guy is loaded and he plies them with Xboxes and stuff. All I do is work and recuperate for the next day of work.
I've been a musician since I was 9. Much of my youth I played in bands recording and doing gigs. I can no longer sing or play an instrument. I used to paint and sketch and can no longer do that either. My fine motor skills are gone.
I do watch movies, read and listen to music, but it's not much fun alone.
Since my wife left I've asked two women on dates. I realize I'm no prize, but I tried to be confident and just approach it as meeting someone new and going out to have fun. The first gal said yes but then showed up the next night at the place I was working with some of her friends and they were a little drunk, but they openly laughed at me for having asked her on a date. The other lady went out with me, and was very sweet, but I subsequently found out the person I met her through put her up to it as a pity date.
So I know that's only two people, but I'm sure as hell not going to ask anybody else out. The companionship of a woman is over for me. I'll never have that again.
All that said though, I don't think I have a terrible outlook and I don't feel as though I'm in a black depression. It's more like resignation.
I realize I am so, so better off than so many people. I curse myself for ever whining or complaining. Even talking about it here makes me feel like a pansy.
My life HAS been adventurous. I've gotten to travel widely in several countries and have moved around, made fresh starts, see all kinds of places, meet all kinds of people. I once had a huge circle of wonderful friends.
So, it's been a good run. I still like life, I still admire beauty, I still laugh...
But it gets a little harder every day and the day is coming when I'll be wheelchair bound and lose more of my independence and ability to care for myself. I refuse to live in a home or hospital or be a burden to anyone.
I do okay for now. I just don't see much point working my behind off just to come home to an empty house and do it all again, until I'm in too bad a shape to do it any more. And then what? Be homeless?
It just seems kind of absurd. I must be reaping karma, but I think it must be from a former life because I've tried to be a good, kind, helpful person, have avoided screwing people over, etc. I don't expect life to be fair, but really--my life has been very good for the most part. Maybe I just packed the good stuff into a shorter span of years than most.
Oh, and as for the smoking and drinking, I do that sparingly--not even anywhere near a daily basis. I haven't been drunk since I was a kid and I smoke not to get high, but to ease the pain, help with sleep and muscle spasms.
Anyways, thanks everyone. I can't tell you all how great it is that people have responded this way, and it's nice to get some of this off my chest.
XOXOXOXO, david (aka Griffis)
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