Hang up about death (boyfriend, mom, parent, father)

[BellaLind]

I have a minor hang up and was wondering if anyone else has a similar one.

I'm afraid not of death itself, but that I or someone I know may die and it may be the last time I see them. I treat everyone as if I might never see them again or vice versa. I suppose it has a benefit in that I never leave angry or on a bad note. I don't hold a grudge or stay angry because what if that person does? I tell people how much I love them, etc all the time. It's a very positive thing for the people I love I suppose. And maybe for me to a degree too (holding grudges is bad for one's well being in my opinion), but for me, deep down, it's fear motivated. I feel hugely guilty if I forget to say "love you mom"

I think I think this way because my sister died when we were young children and later, my father died when I was a young adult. I didn't get to say goodbye to my sister, but I was with my dad at the moment of his death. In fact, I was able to alert my brother and he got mom so we were all with him (he died of cancer and was I hospice at the family home). Another moment that had a profound effect. When we were kids my brother and I were being brats and driving mom nuts. Then she got a phone call that granddad had a massive heart attack and died. We didn't know what the call was about and kept bugging her. When I found out I felt horrible for making her feel worse during the news. I felt it made things worse. It still bugs me to this day even though mom doesn't even remember it.

It seems to get worse the older I get. I worry about my mom and even my little niece because she's close to the age of my sister. I worry about my boyfriend and I need people to tell me they got home safely after driving or flying anywhere. When I hear my brother is working in a dangerous area, I keep tabs on him through mom.

I don't think feeling this way interferes with my life most times, but now and then it does. Especially when something big is happening (like when my mom had surgery recently). I took off work and stayed with her to make sure she was okay before, the day of, and even after. I knew I would be too concerned to work until I knew she was recovered.

[jaminhealth]

Change your Thinking, Change Your Life.

[oh-eve]

I know that since my parents live overseas, I am probably seeing them around 10 more times until they die because they just turned 70 and aren't very healthy.


This sounds pretty shocking but I only think about it every time I leave there and fly back home to the US. It doesn't help to have my life ruined by fear of something I cannot influence. I usually block it out.

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by BellaLind

I have a minor hang up and was wondering if anyone else has a similar one.

I'm afraid not of death itself, but that I or someone I know may die and it may be the last time I see them. I treat everyone as if I might never see them again or vice versa. I suppose it has a benefit in that I never leave angry or on a bad note. I don't hold a grudge or stay angry because what if that person does? I tell people how much I love them, etc all the time. It's a very positive thing for the people I love I suppose. And maybe for me to a degree too (holding grudges is bad for one's well being in my opinion), but for me, deep down, it's fear motivated. I feel hugely guilty if I forget to say "love you mom"

I think I think this way because my sister died when we were young children and later, my father died when I was a young adult. I didn't get to say goodbye to my sister, but I was with my dad at the moment of his death. In fact, I was able to alert my brother and he got mom so we were all with him (he died of cancer and was I hospice at the family home). Another moment that had a profound effect. When we were kids my brother and I were being brats and driving mom nuts. Then she got a phone call that granddad had a massive heart attack and died. We didn't know what the call was about and kept bugging her. When I found out I felt horrible for making her feel worse during the news. I felt it made things worse. It still bugs me to this day even though mom doesn't even remember it.

It seems to get worse the older I get. I worry about my mom and even my little niece because she's close to the age of my sister. I worry about my boyfriend and I need people to tell me they got home safely after driving or flying anywhere. When I hear my brother is working in a dangerous area, I keep tabs on him through mom.

I don't think feeling this way interferes with my life most times, but now and then it does. Especially when something big is happening (like when my mom had surgery recently). I took off work and stayed with her to make sure she was okay before, the day of, and even after. I knew I would be too concerned to work until I knew she was recovered.

I actually don't think there is anything outrageous about what you are feeling. I think any regular here knows my mother and I haven't gotten along the greatest. When she got diagnosed with Diabetes earlier this year, it was a wakeup call that she won't be here forever. So I've kinda been more aware to get along better with her and it has had a positive effect on out relationship. I've already had my father die with us on pretty crappy terms, so I don't want to take her for granted and have the same happen.

I don't think any action you've taken is unreasonable like being with your mom during her surgery and checking on your brother while he is on dangerous duty. I think most reasonable people would do those things.

[Jumbo10]

It doesn't sound like a bad thing to me and could lead to much closer relationships. I would say just be genuine and try to driven by love and not fear.

I've never thought of this myself until your post but one thing I may start doing is asking my closest loved ones how they would like to be remembered.

And also take it one level deeper: "when you pass what 'intangible legacy' would you like to carry on?"

Say your mothers response is "to be a good person" then you can think of her and work extra on that after she passes. I believe the essence of people carry on as we're all influenced by people who we're around and have come before us.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by BellaLind

I have a minor hang up and was wondering if anyone else has a similar one.

I'm afraid not of death itself, but that I or someone I know may die and it may be the last time I see them. I treat everyone as if I might never see them again or vice versa. I suppose it has a benefit in that I never leave angry or on a bad note. I don't hold a grudge or stay angry because what if that person does? I tell people how much I love them, etc all the time. It's a very positive thing for the people I love I suppose. And maybe for me to a degree too (holding grudges is bad for one's well being in my opinion), but for me, deep down, it's fear motivated. I feel hugely guilty if I forget to say "love you mom"

I think I think this way because my sister died when we were young children and later, my father died when I was a young adult. I didn't get to say goodbye to my sister, but I was with my dad at the moment of his death. In fact, I was able to alert my brother and he got mom so we were all with him (he died of cancer and was I hospice at the family home). Another moment that had a profound effect. When we were kids my brother and I were being brats and driving mom nuts. Then she got a phone call that granddad had a massive heart attack and died. We didn't know what the call was about and kept bugging her. When I found out I felt horrible for making her feel worse during the news. I felt it made things worse. It still bugs me to this day even though mom doesn't even remember it.

It seems to get worse the older I get. I worry about my mom and even my little niece because she's close to the age of my sister. I worry about my boyfriend and I need people to tell me they got home safely after driving or flying anywhere. When I hear my brother is working in a dangerous area, I keep tabs on him through mom.

I don't think feeling this way interferes with my life most times, but now and then it does. Especially when something big is happening (like when my mom had surgery recently). I took off work and stayed with her to make sure she was okay before, the day of, and even after. I knew I would be too concerned to work until I knew she was recovered.

This behavior doesn't really seem maladaptive. Making sure loved ones know they are loved doesn't seem to be likely to have negative functional impact on your life, as you descrIbe it. Staying with a loved one a day before through a day after surgery doesn't seem out of bounds (unless it was something you intensely didnt want to do and felt pressured, or something, but that doesn't sound like the case).

[BellaLind]

Thanks everyone. I just wonder if I worry too much and/or I'm too morbid thinking about everyone eventually dying. I've had death so close and personal to me at a young age that I think it effects my way of thinking.