Class Reunion when Spouse was Infatuated with attendee? (psychologist, narcissist, men)

[NHartphotog]

This post is to wives, and I can tell you it is NOT a good idea. Your husband will DESPERATELY want to go (preparing to look their best a year in advance, etc). Not because they expect something to happen; not because things are not great between you and your spouse. There are 2 different landmines here: the high likelihood of an "emotional affair," and rare possibility that your husband spouse was targeted by a "covert malignant narcissist" before he knew you.

Everyone knows about the emotional affair now; a "social" friendship develops, and soon both parties are hiding the interactions (emotional affairs are SO EXCITING!). We all know this story, but even when you've seen it happen to your friends, you don't realize how easily it flares out of control. Then a good relationship is either destroyed, or left with scars that accompany both (and the kids, relatives, etc) to the grave.

The next scenario is RARE and very dangerous, which is why I try to EDUCATE. We all know the typical malignant narcissist (aka pathological narcissist), but there is a subset called the covert malignant narcissist. Men need to BE AWARE and not be a victim -- nobody is immune; if someone attractive pretends to adore you, you simply can't resist (unless you're one yourself, and these aliens immediately recognize each other). Woman need to protect men they care about, whether a relative or a potential relationship.

The covert narcissist (called CN from here on) is almost always a female, & is often called an "Ice Princess" in school. They won't bother to talk to other women unless they are gathering information, or working on a psychological game. The CN is not always beautiful (but is always attractive), and dresses to attract a male that everyone else finds very impressive.

Here's where it gets strange: she gives him all the cues (the flirty look, hair flip, etc.) to show she is very interested, and likes him. Every word she says to him makes him feel good (never any criticism or opinion he doesn't have); always compliments and lots of emotional intimacy. She always tries to get him alone, and won't open her month if others are around. She will spend all her time talking to him (and him alone), but maintains total plausible deniability in public ("I'm just being nice to him since he likes me so much").

Once he's "hooked," the guy asks her out on an official date. Here comes the setting of the hook: the coy look, the appropriate supposed embarrassment, and "I have a boyfriend who goes to another school, and it wouldn't be right." Notice that's not a real "no," it's a "not just yet."

It should end there, but the CN makes sure it does not -- the whole thing was planned from the beginning. The victim will NEVER figure out that the covert narcissist is not an angel, no matter how many times they are psychologically stabbed, or how much it is pointed out to them. Why? The CN constantly gives them every single "I love you so much" signal, and never says "no", only that "it wouldn't be right, at this moment." It's funny how the CN shows up at parties where the victim will be (but the boyfriend always had something else to do).

But what is bizarre is that the whole time she is complaining to her friends that this guy is madly in love with her, and won't leave her alone--even though the guy is very popular and handsome. That's part of the game, devaluing the victim. Nobody can figure out why the guy would be obsessed with a girl who "won't give him the time of day," since all the flirty looks and adoration and emotional intimacy is done in private.

When the victim eventually gets ticked off, she gives him just enough incentive to keep him hooked ("I might go out with you sometime"), and even may set up what amounts to a "date" (that she can deny is actually a date). She must always pretend in public that she just tolerates him, and she can wait years for him to come back. Even when the guy later gets a "perfect woman" who actually loves him, he still has that hook deep inside that would cause him to throw it all away for the idolized CN. This is the danger, since getting a CN victim out of this sick relationship is harder than getting a cult member out of a really good cult.

Anyway, even 30 years later, guess who shows up at our high school reunion? And--get this--she's there alone, because even though she's married to a doctor, he had something better to do (sound familiar?). And she just happens to be behind him when he's waiting for a drink at the bar, where he can't miss her. They chat for a while and 3 people ask if they're married (nobody asked us if we were). She mentions how she'll be walking on the beach two days hence, at a certain time. She mentions how she often comes back to town, and that she'll be setting up a Facebook soon (she did, with lots of photos of how she really does come back all the time).

He didn't have her number (and it was always a "private" relationship, so he wouldn't want her husband or kids to pick up) but of course my spousal victim sends her a letter to "explain" things--saying it would be nice to just exchange Xmas cards (since he'd never ask for anything near friendship).

Her response was in writing (twice as long as it took him to send his letter), a full 4 pages handwritten (though she "didn't have the time" to try to "rekindle" a friendship). Tons of intimate sharing, no mention of either spouse, but of course the inevitable "no" to even the tiny request (to exchange Xmas cards). At least the extreme emotional distress caused my spouse to go to see a Psychologist. Her response to his story (he gave her both letters): "her letter is absolutely bizarre" (and she has over 30 years experience). She warned him to never, ever have any contact with this person again, and to actually turn around and walk away without saying anything if he came face to face with her. My own research of those who put their stories on the internet was a real eye-opener--I thought I understood people. Nobody understands a pathological narcissist; they think less like humans than any alien you could image.

But I can tell you that "curing" the victim happens by revealing the exact same bizarre behavior that another victim has put on the internet. And when the victim figures out that the idolized female is in fact not just blameless, but evil, that's when their world implodes. It took weeks before I could get him to the point of even considering there was the tiniest possibility that she was not perfect.