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Is this the path that shamers believe happens when shame is used ?
Shame begets remorse which begets forgiveness.
Then the person can be made whole again ?
Quote:
As human beings, we hold dear to the value of remorse. The lack of remorse leads us to all believe a person to be despicable. It is widely accepted that remorse is the proper reaction to any misconduct.
The perception of remorse is essential to an apology, and the greater the perception of remorse the more effective the apology. An effective apology reduces negative consequences and facilitates cognitive and behavioral changes associated with forgiveness.
I have seen some men and women be shamed if they decide not to date or support the opposite sex. It's like living your life the way you want is an inconvenience to some people. It'd be better if people minded their own business.
What's the line between "shaming" and constructive, straightforward criticism?
I think it's intention.
It is very easy to engage deep feelings of inadequacy in shame-based individuals. That will be interpreted by him as intention to prove or expose his failings even when it is not intended. The consequences personally and socially can be devastating.
On the other hand we have those among us who can hide behind good intentions while actually manipulating others through their shame.
Please, readers, take a glance at this article to help clarify the difference between shame and guilt. I think it's an important distinction in having this discussion.
Shame can be constructive. I think Al Franken feels shamed now, for instance, as well he should.
But shaming people publicly for being fat is non productive. It points out how different that person is, and the person doing the shaming gets to feel superior. I think that part is key; if you are shaming someone, you are probably doing it to make yourself feel superior. This is NOT a good motive.
In other words, when you shame someone, you are not being kind.
Shame can be constructive. I think Al Franken feels shamed now, for instance, as well he should.
But shaming people publicly for being fat is non productive. It points out how different that person is, and the person doing the shaming gets to feel superior. I think that part is key; if you are shaming someone, you are probably doing it to make yourself feel superior. This is NOT a good motive.
In other words, when you shame someone, you are not being kind.
But is merely calling someone fat shaming them? It might merely be factual.
It seems to be taboo to call someone fat despite the fact that diabetes doesn't really care if you say it or not.
Yet shaming cigarette smokers seems to be pretty socially acceptable.
Both of these are huge health epidemics and incredibly expensive to taxpayers. If someone wants to make someone feel like a second class citizen for stuffing their face with doughnuts when they are already obese or for smoking a pack a day, I don't really have a problem with it.
But is merely calling someone fat shaming them? It might merely be factual.
It seems to be taboo to call someone fat despite the fact that diabetes doesn't really care if you say it or not.
Yet shaming cigarette smokers seems to be pretty socially acceptable.
Both of these are huge health epidemics and incredibly expensive to taxpayers. If someone wants to make someone feel like a second class citizen for stuffing their face with doughnuts when they are already obese or for smoking a pack a day, I don't really have a problem with it.
I'm going to take the piece about cigarette smoking from this. It's a great example. Years ago, cigarettes were encouraged by doctors. Just the other day I witnessed a confrontation between a smoker and someone who demanded they put their cigarette out. Though the smoker could have cried out 'stop shaming me!' they didn't. In fact they seemed not to feel any shame whatsoever and kept on smoking.
This was certainly an attempt to shame and get someone to accept rules about a behavior by citing health issues. This did appear to be acceptable to others in the immediate vicinity as many made faces at the smoker. The smoker seemed nonchalant. The shamers were much more upset than the shamee.
Shame can be constructive. I think Al Franken feels shamed now, for instance, as well he should.
But shaming people publicly for being fat is non productive. It points out how different that person is, and the person doing the shaming gets to feel superior. I think that part is key; if you are shaming someone, you are probably doing it to make yourself feel superior. This is NOT a good motive.
In other words, when you shame someone, you are not being kind.
Again shame is not a constructive emotion. It evokes feelings of worthlessness in people who already, because of their early conditioning, have been made to feel worthless as human beings. These are the people who become dangerous to themselves or others. Shame leads to self-destructive behaviors and sometimes, if enough rage has been provoked, can lead to social violence.
I hope that Al Franken is an emotionally healthy enough person that it is guilt that he feels and not shame. Guilt can be remedied by changing the problematic behavior and can lead to changes that help people to feel socially accepted and good about themselves.
I emphasize we do not want to be a shame-based society. Shame is a lie that tells us we are not as good as others. And we can never get there because every time we make a mistake and someone notices it proves again that we are flawed as humans. Shame-based people have this fantasy that "good" humans don't make public mistakes. Hence the devastating shame when they are caught out.
I've tried in several ways to make that distinction. Shame-based people secretly feel less than others though they can hide it in a number of ways until it finally results in personal or social damage.
I guess that is a difficult concept to understand. It seems like a fine line but it make the difference between a person who can learn and grow and change from his mistakes and accept himself as human and fallible and a person who will forever feel furtive and defeated.
I don't think Al suffers from this because he's "good enough, smart enough and, doggone it, people like" him.
I stay away from shaming people who are smokers, too thin, fat, race, religion, politics, etc. This is none of my business.
Publicly shaming people who are rapists, child molesters, and who torture animals is fine. Put their names all over social media, I have no problem with it.
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