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So sell the car and buy a beater. Or keep the car get a 2nd job to pay it off. Or maybe do both. After you realize you F'd up, you find a way to move on. Kicking yourself every day is a waste of precious energy and mental bandwidth that you could be using to get yourself out of the mess you're in.
What you need is to devise a sensible plan and follow it. Even if you don't feel like it. If you really hate where you live, you should have no problem working all the time, cutting expenses to the bone, having roommates, driving a beater car to save $$ etc. IE You need to do whatever it takes to get the hell out of there. That's what people do who take control of their lives. They don't make multiple threads on CD complaining about their lives because they are too busy taking action to get out of the mess they're in to ruminate over such things.
I read previous threads. The car payment is not all that high. He really needs an increase in income.
1. Get over the car. You bought a car that was a bad deal. Guess what. People do this everyday. Just pay it off o sell it. Lesson learned. Stop CHOOSING to let something this minor dictate your happiness.
2. You have to stop blaming your parents' bad acts in the PAST dictate your PRESENT and FUTURE happiness. You can't undo what was done. All you can do is make sure your future is better.
You have a tape playing in your head that says "car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents ..." over and over again.
I would suggest you get 2-5 sessions with a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT) that can help you rework your thinking and thought patterns. Your life isn't causing your unhappiness. It's how to think about your life that's the problem.
WOW. I couldn't have said it better, especially the bolded.
I read previous threads. The car payment is not all that high. He really needs an increase in income.
Ok, then he needs to get on with it already. It's not 2009 anymore. The economy, while perhaps not great, is certainly better. He can find a 2nd job or a better job or cut expenses or all of the above.
This guy was so serious about paying off his house, he worked 3 jobs (1 full time, 1 freelance, 1 part time job in a grocery store meat department--even though he's a vegetarian). He also didn't have a car. Instead, he rode his bike to work--in Toronto, Canada.
Q. Day to day, how did you save?
A. I packed my lunch, cycled to work. I didn't have a car. The two highest costs after mortgage or rent are food and transportation, so I was able to cut those expenses back considerably and save money.
You have a tape playing in your head that says "car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents car-parents ..." over and over again.
I would suggest you get 2-5 sessions with a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT) that can help you rework your thinking and thought patterns. Your life isn't causing your unhappiness. It's how to think about your life that's the problem.
Exactly. To use a rather silly analogy, your life "recording" is stuck; snagged by a nick in the disk. That nick could have been caused by several things but at this point it doesn't matter. This is what a counselor can help you with....getting past the skip so you can live the rest of the movie. Or not. If you don't repair the disk no device of any sort can play it.
I've posted numerous threads on the fact that I strongly dislike Oklahoma City, would like to move, and why I can't. And while there are very valid reasons I would want to leave, those alone can't justify the kind of misery I am in because I live here. It comes down to the fact my sense of self-worth is tied to where I live and since Oklahoma City is perceived very poorly nationally due to it's stereotypes (many of which are exaggerated but have an element of truth), those reflect on me because I live here. On top of that, there is the entire sense of failure in life because I had to move here, which contributes to the sense of self-worth issue. On the flipside, my previous city, Charlotte NC, fueled my self-esteem because it's a positively perceived, coastal boomtown. I felt better about myself because I lived in a place like that vs living in Oklahoma City, typically perceived as a boring cultural backwater that's about 30 years behind the rest of the country. I guess you can say this is kind of a unique take on "fear of missing out." The idea of having to spend my prime in a place like Oklahoma City vs spending it in a much more glamorous locale is something that contributes to episodes of depression for me. The idea that I can't accept that I live here is preventing me from living my life to its fullest. I am living each day with mindset that I hate it here and am moving once I can so I am not letting myself get too comfortable or shake up the status quo too much. This keeps me in the perpetual state of misery I have been in for the past five years.
Bottom line is while OKC isn't the ideal fit for me but it could be worse and I think I could be much happier until I can leave in a couple of years if I could stop feeling bad about myself because I live here, either because of it's stereotypes or because I didn't want to move back here. I am the person that I am and I will be that person whether or not I'm living in a place like Oklahoma City or something prestigious like Los Angeles or New York City. People are people and while OKC is conservative, it's large enough that not everyone fits the stereotype and I have met like-minded people. Yet I will go into these depressive episodes, always at least one per day, thanking about how much of a failure I am because I live here (and the circumstances that brought me back here) and how living in such a poorly-perceived place reflects poorly on me.
Why do I tie such a large part of my self-worth to where I live and how can I work through this?
Would you feel better if I told you that a LOT of people your age (If I remember correctly, you're early 30's, right?) feel like failures at that age? That a LOT of people feel like they've let themselves, their family, etc., down?
I guess at that age, is when reality smacks up against goals and aspirations, and they don't always line up.
I'm 60, but when I was in my late 20s/early 30s I went through it. And my boys (who are in their early 30's) have each had a spell of that. Especially my oldest son. Part of the problem is measuring yourself up against other people, and assuming that they're judging you. Most likely, they're not. But I'm guessing you are your harshest critic.
I would advise that having failed at SOMETHING does not mean that you are a FAILURE. Scientific experiments usually involve a lot of failures...but they lead to progress and further learning.
It seems like, to me, if you can say you'll come out of all this smarter and wiser...than you are not a failure, and you should stop telling yourself that you are. Seems more like "I messed up, but I learned from my mistake. Go me!"
You feel like you've had a set back. For what it's worth, we all have, I bet.
Would you feel better if I told you that a LOT of people your age (If I remember correctly, you're early 30's, right?) feel like failures at that age? That a LOT of people feel like they've let themselves, their family, etc., down?
I guess at that age, is when reality smacks up against goals and aspirations, and they don't always line up.
I'm 60, but when I was in my late 20s/early 30s I went through it. And my boys (who are in their early 30's) have each had a spell of that. Especially my oldest son. Part of the problem is measuring yourself up against other people, and assuming that they're judging you. Most likely, they're not. But I'm guessing you are your harshest critic.
I would advise that having failed at SOMETHING does not mean that you are a FAILURE. Scientific experiments usually involve a lot of failures...but they lead to progress and further learning.
It seems like, to me, if you can say you'll come out of all this smarter and wiser...than you are not a failure, and you should stop telling yourself that you are. Seems more like "I messed up, but I learned from my mistake. Go me!"
You feel like you've had a set back. For what it's worth, we all have, I bet.
You definitely make some good points here. I think for me, I am struggling with being that person who escaped his small, conservative town only to move back a few years later because he couldn't "make it" in a real city. When I was in college, one of my coworkers at my part time job told me before I moved away that I would be back because I didn't have what it takes to make it on my own. Unfortunately he was mostly right (I have made it on my own, I just couldn't make it where I wanted to live). He moved to Colorado and didn't make it and ended up back in Oklahoma working at Office Depot. He was about my age at the time and I was in my early twenties.
Another aspect to this is I am currently extremely angry about religion, specifically the Baptist church. If it wasn't for religion, all of this would have went very differently. OKC is not the ideal place to live for people trying to escape fundamentalist Christianity. To be secular or even liberal here requires a thick skin. It is doable.
This has been a real setback. What would have been a 2-3 year setback is turning into a lost decade because I chose to buy the stupid car. Heck I wish I would have bought a house. At least I could sell that and possibly make some money on it. The fact that I chose to throw away my late twenties/early thirties for a stupid car that I didn't even want is so enraging I experience a loss of words just thinking about it. It is what it is though. I'll have it paid off in about a year if all goes as planned.
Last edited by bawac34618; 01-04-2018 at 12:49 AM..
Another aspect to this is I am currently extremely angry about religion, specifically the Baptist church. If it wasn't for religion, all of this would have went very differently. OKC is not the ideal place to live for people trying to escape fundamentalist Christianity. To be secular or even liberal here requires a thick skin. It is doable.
Dude, life requires a thick skin. It isn't just religious fundamentalists. There are plenty of intolerant left wingers in liberal places to deal with. They're just like the Southern Baptists you complain about. They only hang around other people who think just like them. That's how you end up with Social Justice Warriors (Antifa) in Berkeley who loot and burn things while police do nothing to stop them.
It sounds like a lot of your thinking is about being stuck in anger about stuff that happened in the past. Getting angry is ok if it helps you to make positive changes. If you're stuck in anger (and it sure sounds like you are), then you're right back to that broken record in your head playing over and over again. Perhaps I should make this slight modification to the tape that's playing in your head (bad fundamentalists, bad parents, bad decisions on my part.....playing over and over and over again).
OP, pick up the book Who's Your City? by Richard Florida and then summon whatever strength you need to go. Stop making excuses about why you can't do it. Just go.
Just move. Jump in your car, take what you can and go. Right now.
Credit card it, live cheap, find work, start over etc.......
Do you have any friends there that will let you couch surf?
Start applying for work right now as you drive there. Take any low wage job you can if that is what it takes. Work construction. You could get a helper position on craigslist on your way there and start the day you arrive. They are always hiring today because of the housing boom. It is a great way to make money right now. You could also uber/lyft for immediate funds to get your started into something better.
What is the worst that happens? You have to move back home, your car becomes repossessed and eventually you have to file for BK. BFD.
Reward vs risk is worth it in your case.
You do this right now, grind out a living and make it happen, you will become a completely different person. Your self esteem and confidence will be so big, you will laugh at your old self and shake your head in disbelief.
If you don't have a spouse, kids, own a house etc.... You really have nothing to lose. Don't wait, because once you do actually have something to lose, it is near impossible to do these type of things without a ton of planning because the risk becomes too great.
Ok, then he needs to get on with it already. It's not 2009 anymore. The economy, while perhaps not great, is certainly better. He can find a 2nd job or a better job or cut expenses or all of the above.
This guy was so serious about paying off his house, he worked 3 jobs (1 full time, 1 freelance, 1 part time job in a grocery store meat department--even though he's a vegetarian). He also didn't have a car. Instead, he rode his bike to work--in Toronto, Canada.
Q. Day to day, how did you save?
A. I packed my lunch, cycled to work. I didn't have a car. The two highest costs after mortgage or rent are food and transportation, so I was able to cut those expenses back considerably and save money.
People who are serious about meeting their goals do stuff like he guy did.
OP, have you considered driving for Uber or Lyft in your spare time? I'm not sure what expensive car you got but if it's a luxury car or one that can take 6+ passengers, you might be able to earn higher fares than everyone else; seriously consider this if this applies.
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