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So I walked into my therapist's office last week and told her I felt great. The Vitamin D deficiency has apparently been taken care of and I've been taking my Zoloft religiously. I've also been addressing my sinus problems aggressively (I think the pain they caused and the expectation of it aggravated my depression and anxiety). I'm at peace with my decision to walk away from my relationship with my mother and the level of calm that has brought to my life is a revelation. My therapist observed that I had taken almost a year to get to this point, and said if I wanted to continue therapy I should set a new goal.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I want to focus on next because I'm still deciding what my issues are. Also, I want to get myself to a mental place where I won't get derailed like I was before. I've decided to embark on a year of reading about mental health and emotional intelligence and addressing the issues that prevent me from having a committed romantic relationship. I'm building up a booklist that my therapist gave me several recommendations for, and I've started with reading Brine Brown's The Gift Of Imperfections.
The funny part is that I don't actually long for a romantic relationship of the kind that I consider to be the ideal. I don't feel the need to have someone in my life to that degree. But I do think that I would like to address the issues holding me back in that regard because I think it affects other aspects of my life.
Anyone else do anything like this? I'm really just looking to do a year of reading and reflection. I guess I should keep a journal?
So I walked into my therapist's office last week and told her I felt great. The Vitamin D deficiency has apparently been taken care of and I've been taking my Zoloft religiously. I've also been addressing my sinus problems aggressively (I think the pain they caused and the expectation of it aggravated my depression and anxiety). I'm at peace with my decision to walk away from my relationship with my mother and the level of calm that has brought to my life is a revelation. My therapist observed that I had taken almost a year to get to this point, and said if I wanted to continue therapy I should set a new goal.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I want to focus on next because I'm still deciding what my issues are. Also, I want to get myself to a mental place where I won't get derailed like I was before. I've decided to embark on a year of reading about mental health and emotional intelligence and addressing the issues that prevent me from having a committed romantic relationship. I'm building up a booklist that my therapist gave me several recommendations for, and I've started with reading Brine Brown's The Gift Of Imperfections.
The funny part is that I don't actually long for a romantic relationship of the kind that I consider to be the ideal. I don't feel the need to have someone in my life to that degree. But I do think that I would like to address the issues holding me back in that regard because I think it affects other aspects of my life.
Anyone else do anything like this? I'm really just looking to do a year of reading and reflection. I guess I should keep a journal?
congratulations!!!! This is huge! I have followed your story and I am happy for you.
I don't have anything smart to say, I'll leave it to the other "pro's" here.
I've been doing a lot of self-overhaul work in the last few years, myself.
Things that have helped:
I have a thread on another forum that is for "life stories and blogs" which gives me a space to process and think. It's a form of journaling. The fact that there is a bit of an audience (site members and a few close personal associates I've told where to find it) somehow makes me more likely to keep it going, rather than just journaling in a notebook or even a word doc. "Telling my story" feels more meaningful to do, than just writing it down. But the act of processing thoughts in writing is very therapeutic.
The wonderful friends I've made in the Colorado Springs kink scene. It's not all about kink. The most lingering and happy and successful people in the group, are those who came looking for a major life change and a healthier new outlook. The discussion groups are freakin' awesome. I go to some 4-6 different discussion nights a month. They help. Having non-judgmental and supportive friends helps.
Reading vaguely Buddhist-ish self improvement books. Not that I'm getting religious, I don't think I'll ever be religious in any way, but the philosophies are really healthy. It's why you see "The Zen of ...whatever" book titles all the time.
As for identifying goals...I would suggest to just open your mind to ideas, read or write or both if it's helpful, and do lots of good self-care. Getting out of a very consuming toxic relationship (your mother in your case) you have to really work on a reset. You'll be finding bits of "bad code" or mental patterns, that you need to work on and fix, for a long time. Be patient with your process. You will need to work on what your own authentic values really are, what your identity is when you're not being what that other person forced you to be, and how to align that with your choices and behaviors instead of seeking (accidentally) connections that are comfortable because they feel like what you're used to, even though that was destructive. Take the time to figure out what you NEED and what you WANT, in addition to what those words even mean to you.
I talked to a friend about this recently. Needs, to him, were survival things. But in a very "Maslow's Hierarchy" kind of way, as I am comfortable from a survival perspective, "needs" to me are things that I require for emotional, mental, social happiness and good health. Things that, if they are lacking, I will feel a drive to seek them, a dissatisfaction with life. Only you can say what differentiates needs from wants, in your world, and which things fall under which heading.
Congratulations on your progress, and your newfound equanimity! I'm curious as to how you found this therapist. Many people struggle to find a good one. I'm curious as to how you got lucky. Keep up the good work! I can see taking some time off from therapy to explore and process on your own. Then, once you get some clarity on what issues you have, that you'd like to work on, you could go back to the same therapist, if that even would be necessary.
congratulations!!!! This is huge! I have followed your story and I am happy for you.
I don't have anything smart to say, I'll leave it to the other "pro's" here.
Thanks! It has been such a relief. I asked her to see a therapist and she wrote back a really nasty response, even though I'd told her I was really struggling with my anxiety/depression at the time. Fortunately, by the time her letter arrived, I'd gotten a handle on it all through the Vitamin D supplements and I just laughed it off because it was so unhinged (told me my therapist should lose her license and that I was angry and full of hate and basically said that I'd be sorry). But I realized I couldn't have someone in my life who responded to the news that I was suffering by kicking me while I was down.
I didn't even respond to the letter. I can't deal with that kind of crazy right now given what's going on with my dad.
After 41 years in a cloud, I just really want to dig into all my illusions and the things that torment me. Starting with books on shame and functional attachment. We'll see where it goes from there.
Congratulations on your progress, and your newfound equanimity! I'm curious as to how you found this therapist. Many people struggle to find a good one. I'm curious as to how you got lucky. Keep up the good work! I can see taking some time off from therapy to explore and process on your own. Then, once you get some clarity on what issues you have, that you'd like to work on, you could go back to the same therapist, if that even would be necessary.
Thanks, R4T! I found my therapist using the Psychology Today screener, and my life coach (not seeing her right now, but we do talk occasionally and she has a lot of knowledge in this area) reviewed her credentials and assured me they were top notch. We clicked pretty well during the first session, and she keeps pretty good boundaries up, which makes me feel very comfortable. I don't even know where she's from or even if she has a partner or how old she is. After having a therapist who had no sense of appropriate boundaries (the one handpicked by my mother), I have to say our interactions feel very different. A lot of it was luck of the draw, but the Psychology Today resource is pretty excellent - it narrowed the field and helped me consider what I needed in a therapist. The information available was pretty in-depth, especially with regard to specialties.
I'm definitely thinking about taking a break from therapy, but my concern is that if I stop, I may not go back if I lose my current momentum. I think I'm going to start doing this reading and then see how it works in concert with the therapy sessions. There is still a TON I would like to work on, but I need to bring it into focus. This was the first session where I didn't feel compelled to suck every moment out of it. We've pared it back to once a month at this point, and in a couple months, I will see if I should take it back to every other month.
I've been doing a lot of self-overhaul work in the last few years, myself.
Things that have helped:
I have a thread on another forum that is for "life stories and blogs" which gives me a space to process and think. It's a form of journaling. The fact that there is a bit of an audience (site members and a few close personal associates I've told where to find it) somehow makes me more likely to keep it going, rather than just journaling in a notebook or even a word doc. "Telling my story" feels more meaningful to do, than just writing it down. But the act of processing thoughts in writing is very therapeutic.
The wonderful friends I've made in the Colorado Springs kink scene. It's not all about kink. The most lingering and happy and successful people in the group, are those who came looking for a major life change and a healthier new outlook. The discussion groups are freakin' awesome. I go to some 4-6 different discussion nights a month. They help. Having non-judgmental and supportive friends helps.
Reading vaguely Buddhist-ish self improvement books. Not that I'm getting religious, I don't think I'll ever be religious in any way, but the philosophies are really healthy. It's why you see "The Zen of ...whatever" book titles all the time.
As for identifying goals...I would suggest to just open your mind to ideas, read or write or both if it's helpful, and do lots of good self-care. Getting out of a very consuming toxic relationship (your mother in your case) you have to really work on a reset. You'll be finding bits of "bad code" or mental patterns, that you need to work on and fix, for a long time. Be patient with your process. You will need to work on what your own authentic values really are, what your identity is when you're not being what that other person forced you to be, and how to align that with your choices and behaviors instead of seeking (accidentally) connections that are comfortable because they feel like what you're used to, even though that was destructive. Take the time to figure out what you NEED and what you WANT, in addition to what those words even mean to you.
I talked to a friend about this recently. Needs, to him, were survival things. But in a very "Maslow's Hierarchy" kind of way, as I am comfortable from a survival perspective, "needs" to me are things that I require for emotional, mental, social happiness and good health. Things that, if they are lacking, I will feel a drive to seek them, a dissatisfaction with life. Only you can say what differentiates needs from wants, in your world, and which things fall under which heading.
I have a good support network, here and in my hometown. You've got the kink community, I've got the dog sports and writing nerds community
Yep, the whole Buddhist approach has been useful to help define boundaries and getting a good perspective. Pema Chodron is a huge help to me.
I also totally get what you mean by bits of "bad code" - I'm finding those all the time. I think I've figured out the needs/wants issue though pretty well at this point. I have my friends, my dogs, the refuge of my home and my books. These are the things that keep me on an even keel.
How are you doing with the basics? Diet. Exercise. Sleep. Stress reduction.
If I don't stay on top of all of those, the wheels fall off.
Diet is slowly getting better. I'm still futzing with my routines there given the amount of travel I'm doing for work right now. Exercise is mainly walking and training the dogs - I'm looking to up this as the weather gets warmer. Sleep has improved significantly with the taming of the anxiety issues - I've established a small night-time routine and have been paying attention to bedtimes, with the idea of getting at least 7 hours every night.
Zoloft has kept me on an even keel in terms of stress. I have a lot to deal with with my dad's issues, and I've been a bit avoidant with regard to all the paperwork. I'm setting small goals in that regard. I need to take more vacation time, so that's another issue. Work/life balance has never been my strong suit. Prolly gonna read a book on that too, lol.
I feel in charge of my life right now and less like it's spinning out of control. That's a good thing.
Good for you, JrzDefector. I'm starting, or restarting, a similar course. One thing that's helped me is to make sure I think about what I'm hoping to do with my self improvement, which it sounds like you're doing. For me, I'm really looking hard at whether I need to work to change some things, or whether I'd be wiser to accept them and work on functioning as well as I can with those issues (social anxiety mostly).
I've gotten pretty good at managing the emotions I feel in social situations, which allows me to function well. I struggle to let go of the desire or hope of not feeling those emotions, though. It's like having a disease like diabetes that's well enough managed and therefore less likely to cause serious issues, but investing time and effort to cure yourself. For me anyway, I'm finding that the effort to be rid of my issues keeps my focus on them, when I might be better served accepting the underlying issue and keeping my focus managing it well.
My 2 cents. Good luck.
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