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I'd go with the opposite of reply #1, I wouldn't listen to what anyone said, and I'd tell every single one of those people to shove it. If someone doesn't treat you how you want to be treated, it's time to teach them a nice lesson on what happens to those people. People only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated and in life, I'm not the guy you want to mess with, and since people know that, they have two options 1) **** off, or 2) Step in line. There is no third option. Period.
I'm with you on this. Even Dr. Phil says you teach people how to treat you. If people aren't sweet to me, they can't be in my life. Period.
I hate to be rough on the girl since everyone else apparently is, but OP might benefit from some assertiveness training.
I don't think it's as easy as not having a person in one's life. There are often some contingencies or circumstances. One can end up metaphorically walking on eggshells around a certain person so as not to trigger their negative behavior. For example, a child growing up in a household where the father can be volatile, negative in behaviors, easily angered. One lives with this person all throughout childhood and all teenage years, and years beyond if visits take place.
We don't know your exact circumstances so I am speculating here.
If I receive negative feedback, I think of as many reasons on why that person thinks that way. Saying your uncle is a 'whack job' is negative and gives you limited options on how to deal with him. You are seeing the worst in him and you don't like it when he returns that negativity.
But saying "he normally doesn't hear from me and I sent him an invitation for a party that he will feel obligated to send money for. Also, the invitation was not all that special" is more positive because it opens up more options on how to deal with him. If he normally doesn't hear from you, then start reaching out to him. I would have called him instead and if he was interested in attending the graduation ceremony, I would have followed up by sending an invitation.
As far as your sister, there are two issues here. One, your sister has a problem with you. Two, other people are discussing the negative things your sister is saying. You have to deal with it on both fronts. What are all the possible reasons why your sister is really upset about you taking a vacation? Why are the other family members repeating what your sister says?
Same goes with your husband and daughter. When you can come up with a list of possible reasons why they say what they say, then you can start coming up with a plan on how to deal with it.
My favorite rule I live by: When people see the worst in my behavior, I no longer reach out to them. They have to reach out to me and it needs to be polite. If I need something from them, they will never receive an invitation through text, email or by mail. I will ask them in person, which can also be a video call. If we cannot get through the meeting without getting upset, then I don't ask them for what I need, but I do thank them for their time.
I like your positive spin on things. This is what I know I have a very hard time doing.
Uncle-- is a whack job.
My sister... she is a long story. She has always been extremely selfish. From stealing from me when we lived together to feeling as if my parents should pay her for helping them out in their older years. She is upset because she lives near my mom and feels everything falls on her. Her note said I need to come for my mom's sake. I don't think she realizes I talk to my mom every day. She talks to my mom maybe once a month.
Hubby--can't or won't tell me. I think it is just little things I do that get to him, it all blows up at one moment. I have asked him so I can stop or change my behavior. He has given me nothing.
How do you prop yourself up when everyone brings you down? I am in such a rut, everyone in my life has been telling me what a horrible person I am. It’s beyond degrading.
Uncle told me how horrible I am for how I sent out graduation announcements and I need a lesson on ettiquette
Sister sent me an email telling me how horrible I am for going in vacation with my family and not visiting my mother
Husband told me how horrible I am for nit picking on everything
Daughter tells me I drive her crazy and to not talk
Work right now, everything is going wrong, a toxic enviroment with nothing positive
It’s exhausting. I want to be a positive person, but negativity just surrounds me. When everyone tells you that your actions are horrible, how are you supposed to feel good about yourself?
Well, I dealt with horrible bullies all through high school, I had a stepmother who screamed at me when I was growing up, I've had supervisors scream at me, I've been snickered at and insulted by all sorts of people.
To be frank with you, I don't care that much about other people and what they think. I guess I've just developed a very thick skin over the years.
I do all sorts of fun things ALONE and only deal with people as I must.
Well, I dealt with horrible bullies all through high school, I had a stepmother who screamed at me when I was growing up, I've had supervisors scream at me, I've been snickered at and insulted by all sorts of people.
To be frank with you, I don't care that much about other people and what they think. I guess I've just developed a very thick skin over the years.
I do all sorts of fun things ALONE and only deal with people as I must.
Good for you! I need to get that thick skin. Definitely I am way to sensitive.
I like your positive spin on things. This is what I know I have a very hard time doing.
Uncle-- is a whack job.
My sister... she is a long story. She has always been extremely selfish. From stealing from me when we lived together to feeling as if my parents should pay her for helping them out in their older years. She is upset because she lives near my mom and feels everything falls on her. Her note said I need to come for my mom's sake. I don't think she realizes I talk to my mom every day. She talks to my mom maybe once a month.
Hubby--can't or won't tell me. I think it is just little things I do that get to him, it all blows up at one moment. I have asked him so I can stop or change my behavior. He has given me nothing.
If you saw the positive in my post, what more can I ask for? I wish I could be more helpful. Trust me, I know how hard it is to see any positive in other people's negative behavior, which is why I have that final rule. Gotta have some self pride.
How do you prop yourself up when everyone brings you down? I am in such a rut, everyone in my life has been telling me what a horrible person I am. It’s beyond degrading.
Uncle told me how horrible I am for how I sent out graduation announcements and I need a lesson on ettiquette
Sister sent me an email telling me how horrible I am for going in vacation with my family and not visiting my mother
Husband told me how horrible I am for nit picking on everything
Daughter tells me I drive her crazy and to not talk
Work right now, everything is going wrong, a toxic enviroment with nothing positive
It’s exhausting. I want to be a positive person, but negativity just surrounds me. When everyone tells you that your actions are horrible, how are you supposed to feel good about yourself?
We've already established that your uncle is a nutjob and you did nothing wrong with regard to the graduation announcements. Your sister is also a nutjob if she's seeking to lecture you on how to spend your vacation time. Neither of these people should be taking any headspace with you. Put them at a distance for now or forever, whichever makes sense to you.
With regard to your marriage, figure out what's important and pick your battles. Your daughter is ... your daughter. Seek to discuss the issue with her, but don't let her get away with disrespect. You should focus on presenting a united front with your husband and maintaining communication with your kid. And pretty much don't take ANYTHING a teenager tells you personally unless they have a legit point.
As for a toxic work environment, there's not much you can do about that except find another job. I'd get your personal life straight first though.
It’s hard not to take things personally when everything around you is pushing you down. This was a very bad week.
*My mom is in another state. I used to visit 3/4 times a year until husband lost his job. Headed to see her next month. She is aware of my situation and is fine. It doesn’t negate the fact my sis is going around telling my mom, her friends and anyone in earshot I am a horrible person.
I have a similar issue with my sister. She is a very social person, I am not. She makes arrangements for gatherings and would probably do it weekly if she could get away with it. What she is very good at though, is last minute arrangements or just throwing a tentative idea out there with no details. Then if I legitimately can't make it due to work or <gasp> other plans, I get text bombed "what do you mean you have plans" "You don't go to ANYTHING we do" etc. Before cell phones I was called and screamed at. No exaggeration, she actually screamed at me. I pulled the phone away from my ear and my then-husband heard the whole thing.
I've been at family events and she was nowhere to be found. Guess she had other plans.
She has since found a distant family member cut of the same cloth and now if I decline an invite I get texts from BOTH of them. But texts are wonderful as I don't have to answer them right away (I just realized I can set DND for certain contacts on my phone hmmmmmmmm)
It's hard to develop a thick skin in the event of toxic family members, but you kind of have to.
And I hate to sound trite, but this too shall pass. Virtual hugs to you!
How do you prop yourself up when everyone brings you down? I am in such a rut, everyone in my life has been telling me what a horrible person I am. It’s beyond degrading.
Uncle told me how horrible I am for how I sent out graduation announcements and I need a lesson on ettiquette
Sister sent me an email telling me how horrible I am for going in vacation with my family and not visiting my mother
Husband told me how horrible I am for nit picking on everything
Daughter tells me I drive her crazy and to not talk
Work right now, everything is going wrong, a toxic enviroment with nothing positive
It’s exhausting. I want to be a positive person, but negativity just surrounds me. When everyone tells you that your actions are horrible, how are you supposed to feel good about yourself?
Sometimes the people around us call us names which makes us insecure and it changes our self-perception.
You should absorb all of them, retaliate if you want( or better not) , but have a firm belief or estimation of who you are.
Deeply examine what they said and self examine if what they sasid is true . You will find answers.
OP, you know your uncle and your sister have issues. Their own issues. Just tell sis that your mother gets plenty of interaction with you, and that the topic is closed. If she persists, tell her you're hanging up, because the topic has been dealt with. Then hang up.
The priority issue I see in your list is your husband. If he's not communicating his concerns with you, you two need couples counseling. Suggest it in a caring way. If he declines, research counselors in your area anyway. Later (say, a week later, so you don't come across as harping on it constantly), tell him you've done some research, and you value the marriage, and really would like to know why he's unhappy, so if he's not willing to tell you, you'd like to make an appointment for both of you with a counselor. Stick to the "value the marriage" part, and "I care about what's bothering you" part. See what happens.
Teenagers, OY! If she wants you to not talk, don't talk. Go on a "talk diet" for a week. Don't speak to her. Don't announce meals are ready (she knows when mealtime is, anyway, right?), avoid any but the most necessary communications (including her in a planned weekend outing, say). See what effect that has.
Good luck! (((hugs)))
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I wish I could be more helpful. Trust me, I know how hard it is to see any positive in other people's negative behavior, which is why I have that final rule. Gotta have some self pride.
(I just realized I can set DND for certain contacts on my phone hmmmmmmmm)
If she wants you to not talk, don't talk. Go on a "talk diet" for a week. Don't speak to her. Don't announce meals are ready (she knows when mealtime is, anyway, right?), avoid any but the most necessary communications (including her in a planned weekend outing, say). See what effect that has.
