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Yes,it’s a work in progress but the first decision in my late teens was that I wanted to live a happy life and make happy memories. The second was to confront the horrors that I had faced. I nurtured the good relationships in my life and never took good people for granted. I stopped walking on eggshells and now when I start feeling I need to please,appease or placate someone it’s an alarm bell that something is not right in the relationship. Doesn’t always mean they are wrong but it means I need to watch why and make a determination,luckily it rarely happens. I’ve also learned to recognize if I am projecting and nip that in the bud.
Yes I did, with my mother. To make a long story short, she was very close to my younger sister and more or less ignored me.
After she died 15 years ago, I had counselling, for the first time of my life. The person I talked to was kind, and listened. Asked questions now and then. Slowly, I began to understand why my mother had behaved the way she did. I realized she had been deeply unhappy as well, maybe more than me (and that is saying something). That was the key I felt. I saw my mother's side (and even felt sorry for her in the end).
Now, "healed" is a big word, childhood traumas can never be erased, but the pain was greatly reduced and I feel so much better now. I am being myself if you see what I mean, not desperate to please everyone all the time.
The bonus is that relations with my sister have improved and we can now talk to each other with no hostility.
I only have a big regret: if I'd had counselling before my mother died, we could have patched things up and have a "normal" mother-daughter relationship.
Of course, it depends on the trauma, how serious it was. I don't pretend counselling can be THE solution every time, but talking to a real professional definitely helped me. Get the pain out of your chest and understand the other one's point of view.
I endured an abusive relationship at the hands of my father when I was young. It took me a great many years to understand that (a) it wasn't my fault, and (b) to learn to forgive. I say 'sort of' because although I forgave my dad's actions as best I could many years ago, I still sometimes have feelings well up inside, self-degradation, of 'it was all your fault', 'you're not worthy', etc. The way I learned to forgive my father was to look at his past, when he was a child, and see all of the horrors that he went through which ultimately shaped his life. I finally understood that his actions had nothing to do with me, even though they directly affected me. [I wasn't condoning anything, btw; far from it. I was simply learning to understand why he treated me the way he did.]
Forgiveness of others can be highly difficult when the transgression is harmful. Forgiveness of oneself - esp. when there really is nothing to forgive - is excruciatingly difficult.
I think that some emotional wounds last a lifetime. But not dwelling on an emotional wound is key. And one can certainly live a great life, despite an emotional wound.
We all get emotional wounds if we're alive, so have to learn how to deal with them. FWIW, I think much of the problem lies in how we define "heal" and having unrealistic expectations of that. Some people assume healing means forgetting. As long as they can remember it, they aren't healed. Other people assume they must forgive in order to heal. As long as they resent, mourn or whatever, they aren't healed. Then there's plain old unwillingness to accept unchangeable history. None of these are realistic. The problem ends up being their expectation of the process, not the healing of the wound itself.
IMHO, a wound can be healed even if there's a scar, even though you have a memory, and even though the emotions surrounding it aren't pleasant. The difference is in how you view the entire thing over time. Acknowledging what you feel every time you accidentally or intentionally brush against that scab or touch that memory. You can either touch the scab, let the moment wash over and diffuse away and then close that little drawer again, or you can keep picking at the scab over and over and over again, never able or willing to leave it alone. People who do this may rationalize it saying they are simply "processing" the event in order to heal, but are they really? To be able to face up to the sad or angry feelings that serve as wrapping paper for an unwelcome package means being able to put it away when some other task needs doing. But, by doing it you also have to be willing to leave it alone, not live on and on using it as fuel for the other aspects of your life or using it to get sympathy from others.
So much for this non-professional view of it. Maybe it makes sense to me anyway.
Last edited by Parnassia; 09-16-2018 at 01:33 PM..
I have learned to move on but the wounds won't heal unfortunately. It could be muscle memory that causes me to feel like I haven't truly gotten over bad experiences. I feel an ache in my chest when I think about specific parts of my past so I try not to.
I endured an abusive relationship at the hands of my father when I was young. It took me a great many years to understand that (a) it wasn't my fault, and (b) to learn to forgive. I say 'sort of' because although I forgave my dad's actions as best I could many years ago, I still sometimes have feelings well up inside, self-degradation, of 'it was all your fault', 'you're not worthy', etc. The way I learned to forgive my father was to look at his past, when he was a child, and see all of the horrors that he went through which ultimately shaped his life. I finally understood that his actions had nothing to do with me, even though they directly affected me. [I wasn't condoning anything, btw; far from it. I was simply learning to understand why he treated me the way he did.]
Forgiveness of others can be highly difficult when the transgression is harmful. Forgiveness of oneself - esp. when there really is nothing to forgive - is excruciatingly difficult.
It took me decades to realize everything you said--figuring out it wasn't my fault, learning to forgive, etc. I've come to understand the abuse my parents inflicted was in part due to the pain they experienced in their own childhood. I've spent $1000s of dollars on therapy but still struggle with forgiveness of self, seeing myself as unworthy, etc. It's a long road when childhood abuse shapes your psyche. It leaves you with baggage that is so difficult to unload. I worked hard to do well in school and excel in my career as a way of proving myself worthy; then I got sick and had to give up my job to focus on my health. It made me dependent again and I've hated it. I have been a doormat for much of my adult life and it has shaped many decisions I've made over the years. The old adage of "I wish I knew then what I know now" comes to mind as I find myself living in the wake of those decisions. I'm somewhat trapped, due to many factors, in my current circumstance and while I'm not being abused, it's a lonely and unfulfilling existence much of the time.
I'd agree that the forgiveness of self is the most difficult. I berate myself for putting up with the abuse for as long as I did--physical and emotional in childhood, emotional in adulthood--and I often feel as though all the bad things that have happened to me are my fault. I should have been stronger. I should have fought back. I should have done more to escape the abuse. Maybe I just want too much. I know that sometimes life just sucks. But I'm at an age where, when I look back, all I see is pain and struggle. It is difficult to feel any hope that it will be any different in my old age. So, in order to cope, I just accept that this is my lot. I try to find happiness in small victories and be grateful for good days, even if they are few and far between.
Sorry to be such a downer. I guess in my case, I haven't healed and I probably never will.
For me "healing" was learning a new way to think about my life. I was framing it in a way that kept me stuck. When I let go of my resentments and made some crucial behavior changes I began to see myself as a strong and resilient person.
It wasn't a rapid process. The core of the work took most of my Thirties but it is probably the nicest gift I could have ever given myself.
And yes, I think it is an ongoing process. That's the good news because it means there is more strengthening to come.
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