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Forty years ago I had a friend who was a therapist explain to me about forgiveness and the healing effect it has on people suffering from resentment.
It's a difficult concept to grasp at some stages of healing. At the time I thought she was crazy, that forgiving mean approving or, even worse, "losing the battle." I think people have to grown into a place where compassion and forgiveness are options.
In my understanding it's like being the velveteen rabbit - you have to have some of your fur rubbed off before you can understand the concepts. Maybe that's also a paradox - that we can't really offer empathy until we, ourselves, have been hurt.
Further, maybe you can't afford compassion for others until you are strong enough to know that giving it won't diminish you in any way.
This reminds me of a parable in the Bible. I know it's in Matthew, but I don't remember chapter and verses.
Anyway, the story is about a king who decides to get his affairs in order, and to collect debts owed to him. So he goes to one of his servants to collect a debt...an amount that was a crazy high amount...the servant would've never been able to repay it. So the king orders that the servant, his wife and children be sold into slavery, to pay the debt.
The servant begs and pleads to be given some more time to pay the debt. The king is moved to compassion, and forgives the debt completely.
So what does the servant do? He goes to another servant who owes HIM money, and demands that the debt be paid in full, even getting violent with the other servant, choking him. The debt was big enough...but not impossible to pay off. Fellow servants see this behavior, and being distressed by it, go to the king.
Now the king is angry, because the servant who had been forgiven of his HUGE debt couldn't/wouldn't return the favor to the servant that owed HIM. And that unforgiving servant was punished.
I think (my opinion) that it's a universal truth, that when one realizes, TRULY realizes that debt one owes...the forgiveness that is given, but not deserved, it makes a person more...tender hearted toward others because you know full well that someone forgave YOU when you didn't deserve it.
Forgiveness is about the forgiver, not the forgiven. You can instantly tell who does and doesn't practice forgiveness in their lives. Those who don't practice forgiveness are obsessed with who "deserves" it. They are looking outwards, and judging.
If my spouse beats me, and I have to leave home and hide, I can forgive her or not. If I don't forgive her, I suffer. I'm angry and judgmental, maybe for the rest of my life. I may die young. She may not care a bit! I'm not hurting her by not forgiving. I'm hurting myself. So I forgive her. I can move on. It's about me, not her. She may not deserve it. Irrelevant. Forgiveness does not mean I want her back in my life. It just means I forgive her. It's over. It's the ultimate closure.
Sometimes there are these high-profile cases where a criminal has committed an unspeakable act to a family member. Somebody gets red in the face, shakes their fist, and says, "I will never forgive so and so!" They usually spit for good measure. Another person says, "I forgive them. I want to be at peace." People say, "Oh, no! How could she say that? The criminal doesn't deserve it." She can say that because forgiveness is for the benefit of her, not the criminal. She's not doing the criminal a favor. She's doing herself a favor. In a year's time, she's more likely to be able to enjoy a nice day by the lake than the clenched-teeth person. That person is probably still clenching their teeth, and it's getting worse. They can't enjoy their potato salad.
Again, the judgment thing is a dead giveaway of people who do not practive forgiveness. They want you to forgive them.
Last edited by unwillingphoenician; 09-26-2018 at 04:19 PM..
If you value compassion, and you try to practice it, then you will feel judgmental towards those who you do not perceive as compassionate.
And if you consciously practice compassion, you still don't know if your subconscious mind is also compassionate. Probably it isn't, because the subconscious mind tends to reflect any hypocrisy in the conscious mind. In other words, according to Jung's shadow psychology, we shove our unacceptable feelings into the subconscious shadow. This makes the shadow stronger and more cleverly destructive.
So that is how I perceive our compassionate culture. Seething with buried hatred. Repressing our impulses for physical violence, but letting loose with psychological, verbal, violence.
If you value compassion, and you try to practice it, then you will feel judgmental towards those who you do not perceive as compassionate.
And if you consciously practice compassion, you still don't know if your subconscious mind is also compassionate. Probably it isn't, because the subconscious mind tends to reflect any hypocrisy in the conscious mind. In other words, according to Jung's shadow psychology, we shove our unacceptable feelings into the subconscious shadow. This makes the shadow stronger and more cleverly destructive.
So that is how I perceive our compassionate culture. Seething with buried hatred. Repressing our impulses for physical violence, but letting loose with psychological, verbal, violence.
This reads like one of those articles somebody writes with made-up words and slips by editors at a scientific journal from time to time. Give me a break. It's not rocket science. You forgive people to move on. That's real life. I've been in recovery for 25+ years, continuously, without a slip. The ones who forgive, make it. The ones who don't, don't. In recovery we start with huge grievances, apart from what we've done to others. Doesn't matter. We forgive to move on. Not theory. Proven on the ground.
If you value compassion, and you try to practice it, then you will feel judgmental towards those who you do not perceive as compassionate.
Here's how I see it: This is why you need to make a conscious decision to give without expecting something in return. Is that easy? No. It's totally against human nature.
But when we are talking about something as valuable as mental health it's worth practicing and learning to work for. The first step is to set aside that pesky ego that so irrationally wants to be number one all the time.
You really do have to have build some confidence in yourself first before you can afford to be humbled by forgiving. It's a process.
When you realize you don't need something from someone else to be okay is when you can afford to give forgiveness to them. Until then they own a corner of your mind.
Here's how I see it: This is why you need to make a conscious decision to give without expecting something in return. Is that easy? No. It's totally against human nature.
But when we are talking about something as valuable as mental health it's worth practicing and learning to work for. The first step is to set aside that pesky ego that so irrationally wants to be number one all the time.
You really do have to have build some confidence in yourself first before you can afford to be humbled by forgiving. It's a process.
When you realize you don't need something from someone else to be okay is when you can afford to give forgiveness to them. Until then they own a corner of your mind.
If you really transcend the ego, then I think you will wind up seeing that we are not better than the other animals. They will all fight to protect themselves, they all love their friends and hate their enemies.
I don't think anyone knows what Jesus meant by "love your enemies." Neither Jesus or Buddha taught people how to live in the real world.
This reads like one of those articles somebody writes with made-up words and slips by editors at a scientific journal from time to time. Give me a break. It's not rocket science. You forgive people to move on. That's real life. I've been in recovery for 25+ years, continuously, without a slip. The ones who forgive, make it. The ones who don't, don't. In recovery we start with huge grievances, apart from what we've done to others. Doesn't matter. We forgive to move on. Not theory. Proven on the ground.
It depends what you mean by forgiveness. Letting go of resentments is healthy. But going back for more and more of the same punishment is not.
What people say they are and think they are is not usually what they actually are. The ones who speak the most highly of themselves are usually the ones to beware of.
The book "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck said a lot about this. He found that the most truly evil people saw themselves as all goodness and light.
If you don't understand, then you probably have not heard about Jung's shadow psychology.
Okay...I don't know what is correct - conventional wisdom or you. How do we assess "subconscious rage"? What is it exactly? What is a valid measure of subconscious rage? Can we do experiments to see what impacts it? Is it really related at all to compassion or diversity? How can we tell that. Think like a psychologist.
You can question conventional wisdom but that does no good unless you have something to replace it with - it's just daydreaming.
WTH is "MAD"?
You never heard of "mutually assured destruction?"
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