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OP: I read some of the posts and only you know what is going on. I gather you two are not married so WHY do you have to live together? There has got to be other ways to exist and be there for your son to have a father. Too many children grow up without fathers and it scars them for their lives in many cases. I didn't get along with my father but he was in the house and he and mom did not fight but he was never marriage material as I saw it.
I am 80 and life is FULL of detours, changes, and ups and downs, but once we're gone that can't be undone.
Get Smart....
Learn to walk away from fights, don't fuel the fire. And work on finding yourself your own place and does the mother of your son work to support herself?
Why do you support all of you? That's kind of you BUT, with all the fighting going on. Curious what is the fighting about? So much we don't know, but maybe you've mentioned so much in other posts, I have not seen them.
I think almost everyone goes through a time in their life where they feel exhausted and done. But, you know, things change. They really do. And your life will change for the better too. You say you are drinking less. Good. You are handling your financial affairs better. Good. Keep doing things that will push your life forward in a positive way. Time really does heal all wounds.
About your baby mama not leaving things in the past - Everyone has a timetable when they move forward. Hers is not the same as yours. That is ok. Let her work things out on her own timetable. You can only change your behavior and hope that it affects her in a positive manner. It takes two to fight. If you have not already - apologize to her in a genuine manner. Leave her bad behaviors out of your apology. In other words, do not blame her for your bad behaviors. Take responsibility for what you have done to her in the past. It will help. If she owes you an apology - it is up to her to come to that conclusion.
When you say you fight ugly - do you mean with words and/or actions? Do not call each other derogatory names and do not threaten to leave either. It undermines trust. Respect is essential for a good relationship.
I once read something about suicide that I think merits a mention in your case: Suicide is the pain you pass on to someone else. I know you are in a lot of pain. Try to understand, that pain will be passed onto your son and his mother. Your son will never understand why you left him. I know this because my sister babysat for a family where the father committed suicide. The wife came home to find him hanging in the garage. The kids were not ok. I am not trying to guilt you about your son. But your decisions do not occur in a vacuum. You are not alone. Even if it feels that way.
Good luck and God bless you. I hope you continue to push yourself forward and take good care of yourself. You are hurting and it is best that you seek out the help you need. It is okay to post here, if it helps. (((hugs)))
I know you've been given advice many times but - Tell her you are no longer entertaining her nonsense. You are not doing this to your son. He needs at least one strong parent. Walk away. Ignore her. And forget the past while you're at it. It's just more nonsense.
Continue for now the focus on work and son. Good for you for getting to work and if you're still drinking keep it for the weekends & after son is in bed for night.
Keep things simple for now. Son to school, you to work. Home. Helping son w homework etc. Repeat daily.
You can start to change other things once those 2 things are set in stone.
Thanks guys, I post on here because I have no one I can talk to about things like this. I feel really bad that I can't get along with my baby's mother, we fight ugly and I don't know what to do.
It sucks because I've actually been trying really hard to improve myself lately; I've been drinking much less, going to work everyday, paying all my bills and not wasting my money. I know I'm not perfect but I really feel like I am improving and I am trying my best to be the best father I can be. It's difficult for me because I never had a father figure but I am trying my best.
It feels like my baby's mother won't let go of the past and let me become a better person and I can understand why she feels like that; I did a lot of horrible things before our son was born when I was in the streets getting drunk everyday.
At some point though, we have to realize that we have to leave that in the past and give a better future to our son. I don't know what to do, the ugly fighting is exhausting and I know it damages my son and will continue to damage him as he gets older.
I really don't want to leave, I love being able to see my son everyday. Besides not having anywhere to go, we just signed a one-year lease for an apartment and I don't want to ruin our credit. But the fighting is truly exhausting and it's hell.
So that's why I feel like just resting sometimes, I just want peace because I feel like I've never really had it in my life and I'm exhausted. I wouldn't go through with it though, I think of my son and I get strength to keep on going.
It's just how I feel many times and I have no one to talk to about things like this, it really helps me to express these things on here.
Wow. That’s really rough.
Give yourself a break. Right now you’re working hard to turn your life around. That’s a big step. I’m not sure why you fight but maybe you should make new house rules. No fighting. Period. If someone picks a fight, get up, put on your coat and leave the house. Don’t fight back.
Have you been to AA yet? They often have a clubhouse where you can go when things get rough. They’ll set you up with a sponsor you can call any time. It helps a lot of people who are trying to rebuild their lives.
Mostly it sounds like you need someone who you can trust who can help you find your way.
I’m glad you posted here looking for help. There are a lot of good folks here.
Sometimes I think about finally taking my life into my own hands, slitting my wrists and calling it quits, leave my mom and son things. Don't cry when I'm gone just remember the happy times we once shared. Don't think I don't love you just understand that I'm ready to rest and life is sometimes better without certain people. I'm ready to rest.
People forget when they talk to those contemplating suicide that the question to be asked isn't "Why?" The question is "Why not?" People contemplating suicide don't need reasons to live. They need reasons to not die. There's a huge difference between the two.
Rocky, from one who's been there, I can tell you that things don't stay the same. Things always change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst, but they always change.
I'm not going to call you selfish or urge you to think of your son and mother. Wanting to lay your head down and rest is what happens when your mind reaches the end and you can't take anymore.
You need a vacation from life. But vacations are temporary, not permanent. You've sprained your mind like you might have sprained an ankle and like anything else in your body that gets hurt, you need time to rest and heal it. Please try to find someone to talk to first to get the bandages on and take some of the pain away to start the healing process. Wait until you're in a better place to contemplate suicide. Suicide will always be there if you need it. But you can only use it once. Don't waste it on just a sprained mind that can get better with rest and peace.
Thanks guys, I post on here because I have no one I can talk to about things like this...At some point though, we have to realize that we have to leave that in the past and give a better future to our son. I don't know what to do, the ugly fighting is exhausting and I know it damages my son and will continue to damage him as he gets older.
I really don't want to leave, I love being able to see my son everyday. Besides not having anywhere to go, we just signed a one-year lease for an apartment and I don't want to ruin our credit. But the fighting is truly exhausting and it's hell.
So that's why I feel like just resting sometimes, I just want peace because I feel like I've never really had it in my life and I'm exhausted. I wouldn't go through with it though, I think of my son and I get strength to keep on going.
It's just how I feel many times and I have no one to talk to about things like this, it really helps me to express these things on here.
That's the beauty of coming here to "talk." And I didn't really feel like you were on the edge of doing something stupid; as I said before when I first responded to you, there's a big leap between suicidal ideation and actually making an attempt. A lot of us have felt like you do, but come through the other side and realized what we would have missed if we'd taken our lives.
You clearly enjoy your son. You have him to live for, as we've pointed out, and as you obviously realize. It's good that he gives you the strength to continue living.
You do need to address the issues with his mother. Growing up in a household where the parents are at each other's throats is not only exhausting for them, but scary for the child. I was 5 when my parents finally divorced, and I was glad! They were far more relaxed and pleasant to be around separately than together, though, of course, it was tense for a while after the initial split. I'm not suggesting you should split up, but just saying that doing something to alleviate that tension, like counseling, might be helpful in decreasing the stress that's feeding your depression.
Rocky, here's something that may help. I think it's one of the reasons to talk to other people, because you may find they are going through the same thing and can help you.
I am coming at this from a different angle. My husband put a bullet in his head 2-1/2 years ago. If he *wanted* to ruin multiple lives with a single act, he found the perfect method.
Speaking as his surviving widow, I can tell you that I'll never be the same. Thankfully, the nightmares have mostly stopped although I still have 1-2 a week. That first year, I'd often wake up screaming and/or panting. It was often the same dream. In the dream, I saw him put the gun in his mouth but I was always too late to stop him.
At least I'm not afraid to sleep these days. I still can't live alone because of panic attacks. I still see a therapist regularly where I just sit and cry. I still can't go to certain places because I become sick to my stomach. And I can't watch most movies because they're all too violent.
Your loved ones will become social pariahs. No one will know what to say to them, so no one will say ANYTHING. They'll be isolated and alone, which is hell on this earth. And the stress? Yeah, most of us deal with some physical disease that is a nightmare, a direct result of the crippling stress.
Our immune systems throw their hands in the air and say, "I can't work in these conditions." My medical nightmare came 2+ years after the suicide, and thankfully, it had a happy ending. I am going to live and be well.
And the person that finds you? Wow. They'll never be right again either. My dear friend found my husband after he'd blown off his head. Think you'll spare your family and do this in a hotel? Lots of people do that, too. The minimum wage hotel housekeeper will find you. And she'll never be right again. And then the hotel will spend $50,000 to summon a biohazard company to clean up their room. (Suicide clean-up in a hotel is its own industry.)
Or maybe you'll go into the woods? Yeah, the state troopers or local law enforcement will find you, maybe. Or maybe a kid going for a hike. Or a mother with her little children. BTW, law enforcement officers have a much higher incidence of suicide because of this very thing. We're not designed to find people with their heads blown off. Our mind doesn't handle that very well.
I'm a member of an online "suicide widows" group. Out of our group of several hundred women, three killed themselves in the last 12 months. When you lose a loved one to suicide, the odds of you succumbing to suicide increase TEN FOLD.
The pain of losing a close family member to suicide is on par with the pain of being a prisoner in a Nazi prison camp. (If someone wants to find the statistic, have fun with Google. I'm trying to heal from this pain.)
It's the most emotional pain a human can know on this earth.
Get through the next few days, and the next few months, and the next few years, and spare your family the horror that is a survivor's life.
These are the "kind and gentle" details. I've softened it a bit for the world of online readers.
Last edited by RosemaryT; 11-26-2018 at 07:58 AM..
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