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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 1 day ago)
35,580 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50617
I don't think there's wasted time here, OP.
When you're old, and you look back on your life, you'll realize it took this amount of time and duress to force you to move forward, and that you've learned lessons here that are invaluable.
You're in the kiln. While it's uncomfortable, that's what it takes to forge a beautiful vessel.
Try to re frame your thoughts. It's not "lost" time, it's a learning experience that you have needed to go through. You're learning tons about yourself, what you want and don't want. You're still young and have plenty of years ahead. This is just a needed bump in the road which will lead to a more authentic life.
You are not the only person who feels they have lost a chunk of their lives. I am in my late 20's and feel the same way. I feel as if I have made mistake after mistake since turning 18. Have I made mistakes? Yes. But in reality I am kind, smart and I am doing okay. I am just way too hard on myself and expected life to pan out a specific way. That's not reality though.
You have to learn to give YOURSELF the same love, patience and compassion you would give someone else in your shoes (or in any situation). You are still young, you can still get out and make a great life for yourself. All those other things are just lessons learned. Keep pushing...keep going.
Your car is almost paid off. Double down on getting that payment gone so you will have reliable transportation for wherever life takes you!
My forties were the best years of my life. My late twenties and early thirties were some of the worst, and hardest years of my life. But get this, now in my mid fifties, life is full of joy and hope and pleasures big and small! You most likely have a lot of years left in you. And it's not like joy or pleasure or fulfillment becomes less important with time or age.
You are young, your vehicle is almost paid off, you have options.
Here's the thing. Nothing kills inner joy like that feeling of regret. Look, put that aside. I mean it, PUT IT ASIDE. There is always something to regret. Always something that could be better if you want to focus on that. But the thing is, frankly, none of us is promised the next minute. Joy is a choice - we CHOOSE to be happy, day in and day out. Find the small things in life that bring pleasure - for me, even during my toughest years, it was stuff like the taste of that first cup of coffee in the morning, kids sleeping peacefully and safely in their beds, the happy, unconditional love of my dogs, solitary time alone in the mornings before the day exploded with activity and job stuff, that sort of thing. Your joyful tidbits are likely to be different but you have them. Find them, embrace them, relish them - BE THANKFUL.
Oh, and you're 33 years old. I totally get the drama that family can bring to the mix, but at some point we have to take responsibility for our own lives, our own choices, our own happiness. Don't blame your family, and don't blame OKC - there are plenty of people who live there quite happily and successfully. And your family? You're grown. Learn about boundaries, build some, and enforce them - you will probably enjoy your family more when you do that.
My forties were the best years of my life. My late twenties and early thirties were some of the worst, and hardest years of my life. But get this, now in my mid fifties, life is full of joy and hope and pleasures big and small! You most likely have a lot of years left in you. And it's not like joy or pleasure or fulfillment becomes less important with time or age.
You are young, your vehicle is almost paid off, you have options.
Here's the thing. Nothing kills inner joy like that feeling of regret. Look, put that aside. I mean it, PUT IT ASIDE. There is always something to regret. Always something that could be better if you want to focus on that. But the thing is, frankly, none of us is promised the next minute. Joy is a choice - we CHOOSE to be happy, day in and day out. Find the small things in life that bring pleasure - for me, even during my toughest years, it was stuff like the taste of that first cup of coffee in the morning, kids sleeping peacefully and safely in their beds, the happy, unconditional love of my dogs, solitary time alone in the mornings before the day exploded with activity and job stuff, that sort of thing. Your joyful tidbits are likely to be different but you have them. Find them, embrace them, relish them - BE THANKFUL.
Oh, and you're 33 years old. I totally get the drama that family can bring to the mix, but at some point we have to take responsibility for our own lives, our own choices, our own happiness. Don't blame your family, and don't blame OKC - there are plenty of people who live there quite happily and successfully. And your family? You're grown. Learn about boundaries, build some, and enforce them - you will probably enjoy your family more when you do that.
Agree with all you said....except living in OKC has a ton of challenges. Its a world all its own full of cliques. Your advice on regret is spot on. I wish I could follow it myself.
Thanks! I also have a good job here in OKC but it's starting to look less secure than it once was. Other than my job, I have absolutely nothing tying me here, which is sad considering I've been here almost eight years. In fact I'm not sure my job will last the rest of my car loan. My boss is trying to get me moved into another position but I'm unsure that it will work out. There's a not insignificant chance I'll be unemployed come August or September of this year.
And I agree on making better financial decisions! The reason I was suckered into this deal is I was unable to say "no" to the car salesman. I tried to walk away from it but he became intimidating and started to guilt trip me and brought his manager into it as well. I remember shaking when signing the dotted line because I knew I was making a mistake.
With that said, I'm in a much different place in my life right now and have self-confidence I didn't have then. I will NEVER let anything like that happen again.
Very sorry to hear about you losing nearly a decade of your life as well. While your situation and mine are very different, I too have tried to compare my pain to others who have spent years in bad marriages only to get divorced and do kind of a "life reset" at about my age. I have to keep perspective that while my situation is unique due to the crazy religious fundamentalism that's at the core of it, many people make terrible decisions in their twenties that take them some time to get out from under.
Ideally I'd like to move to Denver, but am open to different options. Coming from Oklahoma City, almost anywhere seems like an upgrade. Dallas isn't my first choice but I'd happily move there if the opportunity came up. That might be the easiest move, especially if I get laid off from my current job and can easily zip down there for interviews.
Regardless, the biggest issue for me will be finding a job before I move. Conducting a long-distance job search is extraordinarily difficult due to the fact most employers won't even consider non-local applicants. I may have to just pack up and move. But the economy also is supposedly not bad right now so if I was going to move without a job, while it would still be risky it would be less risky than it would have been a few years ago. It's tempting to just make the plunge once I feel somewhat financially secure because I may never move otherwise.
Chuck Norris will be by to pick up your man card, too, after he gets done with the guy who said it was "too hard to learn how to drive a stick shift".
I'm currently 33M and have been in a deep rut for almost seven years now. It started when I moved back to my hometown of Oklahoma City in 2012 because of pressure from my fundamentalist Christian family. Then in 2013-14 I did ex-gay conversion therapy. Also in 2014, I was suckered into buying a car that I couldn't afford on a seven year loan. The sad thing is, the car was an impulse buy and wasn't something I really thought through. I've made a lot of dumb decisions over the course of my life but I think that one takes the cake.
However, once the dotted line was signed I either had to wait it out or default. There was a time when I legitimately considered letting it be repoed just to be rid of it. Instead, I did the responsible thing and have worked for years to get it paid off. It hasn't been without a cost though that is much bigger than financial. The car purchase has been a noose around my neck ever since 2014 and has basically trapped me in my current situation. It's now 2019 and I'm still burning through what I feel like should be the best years of my life, trapped in a small conservative town that I hate with a passion, trying to pay off a car I didn't even want. I have one more year to pay on the car before it's finally paid off and then I can move on. I've come to terms with my sexuality but I've realized that I can never be happy in a place like Oklahoma City. However, I MUST get the car paid off before I can move.
Bottom line is I made so many bad decisions that have led me to this point in my life and there's no easy way forward. This is all my own fault. Nobody forced me to move back to Oklahoma. Nobody forced me to sign the dotted line to buy this stupid car. Nobody forced me to conversion therapy at age 27...I could have stood up to my family and said I am who I am and that I'm not doing that. But, I didn't. I moved back to Oklahoma. I did conversion therapy. I bought the stupid car against my best judgment.
Now I'm 33 and feel like an 18 year old desperate to get away from his home town and start his own life. Yet, at my age, I should be well past this. I've lost almost a decade of my life. I look back at where I was in 2009 and I only wish that I could get back to where I was then. My current life that I'm living now, trapped in Oklahoma, depressed, single, lonely, and burning through life was my worst fear back then. It has become my reality.
I've got one more year to pay on the car and then I can finally be through of this. But seriously, these mistakes have cost me what should have been the best years of my life and this is a hard pill to swallow.
Get that "best years of your life" thing out of your head. The best years are ahead of you.
And it's a really long line to stand in to beat oneself up for making mistakes. Mine were longer and far more damaging, and yet, I've come out all right and life is good at this late stage in the game. Just move forward, and be YOU, and some day those mistakes and wrong turns will be nothing more than stories to tell.
Thanks for linking to that post. Lets look at the progress I've made since then.
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1-2017) I am gay and still in the closet. I had previously been out of the closet in my mid twenties but due to my fundamentalist family I went back in and did ex-gay conversion therapy in 2014. The birthdays keep coming around and I cannot get the guts to do what I need to do; cut my family off and come out of the closet. I am just so afraid to do it. I've come out to two friends and I am not sure I have the energy to tell somebody else. "I'm gay" are the two most difficult words to say. I cannot believe at one time I was actually openly gay.
1-2019) I just got out of an eight-month relationship so some of my current relapse into depression is a result of that. However, I'm mostly out of the closet at this point. I have confronted my parents about all of this and my mom is reluctantly accepting and it's a bit more complicated with my dad. It's still difficult to say "I'm gay", but I think that will change with time and when I'm living in a more LGBT-friendly locale.
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2-2017) I am living in the small, conservative Bible Belt city I swore I would never live in again when I left after college. It only took me four years to move back due to pressure from my parents as well as the recession. I tolerate it more now than I did in the beginning, but I still struggle with feelings of failure because I had to move back here.
2-2019) Has not changed yet, unfortunately, but this is the most difficult aspect of my situation to change. Other things, such as the situation with my family and the car payment, really needed to be resolved first.
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3-2017) I really don't have a lot to work with in terms of changing things due to having purchased a car I cannot afford in 2014. I purchased the car on impulse. I attempted to walk away from the deal multiple times but the salesman roped me into it. Since then, I've basically been working and living for this car that I didn't even want. I can't sell it because of negative equity. My ONLY options are to run out the clock on this car payment or allow it to be repossessed. It's a 7-year loan that ends in 2020. Right now I am on track to pay it off early (in 2019 hopefully) but that's still two years away.
3-2019) I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and take a risk and use my savings to pay the car off...now. Even though I'll take a hit, it will be short term and it will be so much better to not have to worry about the car anymore. I can place all my focus and energy on saving and preparing to relocate. I just hope I don't get laid off within the next six months. Worst case is I'll end up moving to Dallas instead of Denver and I'd be okay with that.
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4-2017) Feeling consistent and overwhelming nostalgia for my mid twenties. My life between ages 23 and 26 is pretty much the standard I compare everything to and nothing comes close. I know this isn't healthy and I've watched/read material on overcoming nostalgia but I seem unable to really shake it.
4-2019) This is still an issue but right now, but overall I'm more forward-focused than I've been in a long time. I'm still nostalgic for my early/mid twenties but I don't think it's quite to the unhealthy level it was back in 2017.
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