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Over 20 yrs. ago I was friends with a woman I'll call Sue. Sue and I had kids in the same school so we'd see each other there but we never really went anyplace together except for having coffee after the kids went into the school. Other than that we just talked on the phone constantly but we were close and shared a lot of personal stuff and a lot of laughs.
Like most relationships... there's give and take and there came a point where I realized I was doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking. For instance one day after I picked up her kids after school because she was 'tired', I fell in her driveway and sprained my ankle so badly that I was on crutches for quite a while. Not once did she offer to drive my kids to school, and she had to pass my house to drive to the school! That upset me. Then there were other things she did and lied about that just led up a huge argument and our friendship was over. At the time I tried to discuss those issues with her, but she would just hang up on me. So that was the end of that friendship and eventually my husband and I moved.. Not because of her though.
I was quite surprised last week when she reached out to me to say hello. I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and was pretty chatty and funny but our conversations are so weird and one sided. She doesn't really talk. It's just hello, or I hate the rain. She never says 'gotta go or talk to you later'.. she just stops responding. I try to engage her in conversation but it's like pulling teeth and she doesn't respond to anything I say or ask her. I remember she used to be so chatty that you couldn't shut her up if you tried. Now she's so impersonal and it's like she's not even there. I have no idea why she would reach out to me if she had no intentions of having a conversation.
Now I see she's posting on FB veiled suggestions that she is considering suicide. Her latest post was something about 'don't worry Daddy, I'll be joining you soon' She got a lot of comments from her friends telling her to not even talk like that and reminding her of everything she's got to live for but she said she's 'done'.
I don't whether this is just her way of getting attention, or if she really is suicidal, or if I even want to get sucked into that whole drama. I'm not qualified to play psychiatrist. I don't know what to do though and I feel bad. Her mom and I were close but she passed away a few years ago so there's really no one I can tell and obviously her dad is gone too.
I don't even know what I'm expecting from you guys.. Suggestions maybe? Insight? If she was really suicidal would she even post something like that on FB?
There's no true guarantee anyone can ascertain her intentions without being in a room with her. And even then it can be nearly impossible to predict another person's behavior.
So perhaps the best thing to do is to listen to yourself to help you make a decision. Can you imagine how you will feel if you do nothing? Will you wish you had and if so what would that thing be? Would it be minor guilt and grief or would it be more devastating than that for you?
This is what I do when I have to make a decision based on intervention in someone else's life. When I feel as though I must do something even if it's as little as expressing my concern and I know that if I don't I will be sorry then I do so regardless of what the outcome becomes. Once I think I have done my best I can let an issue rest.
If you are a praying person it might be enough to say a prayer. It all depends on what your own personal values system is.
I had a friend who would call me and say she was going to kill herself and she'd want me to go over and hang out with her until she got over it. I participated in this drama until the last time when I just wasn't up for it and what I did was call 911 and tell them what was happening and that I didn't know what to do but that I'm not qualified to deal with her. They put me through to some kind of professional counselor of some sort who said absolutely I should pass her off to someone who is qualified and they sent police to her apartment to check on her. She answered the door with complete composure and the cops let her be. Then she called me up furious that I'd called the cops. I told her that's what I'm going to have to do from then on, that I really cared about her but I'm not a professional trained in dealing with suicidal people.
I ended up not answering her calls anymore. It was always high drama with her.
At any rate, you could just call the cops or a suicide prevention line and tell them you want to remain anonymous, but you're concerned about her. And then, I think you can let it go. You can only control yourself. If she decides to commit suicide, that's her decision, and you would not be to blame.
There's a lot of suicide in my family. They do it because they can't stand whatever pain they are dealing with. But, those left behind are not required to be perfect people, perfect spouses, perfect friends, perfect children, etc., etc. The point being, that those left behind don't need to feel that they should have done something different to prevent it.
I have another friend I let go and then about 10 years she came back into my life wanting to be friends again, and it was the same old same old stuff I didn't want to deal with the first time, and I've let her go again. I don't think people usually change much.
Stay away from her. People don't "consider" suicide. They do it on a whim, because they were serious about it, or they talk about it to draw attention. Those who talk about it on social media love the worst kind of drama.
Either way... she has friends, family, her doctors...
She didn't connect with you, and, believe me - you don't want to connect with her.
Thanks so much for all your advice and for sharing your own experiences. They were all so very helpful to me in deciding what to do and that is basically nothing. I will say a prayer for her and send positive thoughts her way but I'm not going to get involved. I have my own and family issues to contend with and don't have the time and more importantly the mental energy to deal with someone else's problems at this time.
I'm usually a very giving and caring person who will be there for people who need me and I think that's why she reached out and friended me on FB out of the blue like this even though I've been on FB for years.
I just wasn't sure whether or not to ask her what was wrong and wasn't sure if I even wanted to open that can of worms or not. I decided I don't, and I realize no matter what I do or don't do or say to her it's not going to change anything she decides to do or not do and I'm okay with my decision.
Again, thank you all for helping me get my thoughts in order. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
People don't "consider" suicide. They do it on a whim, because they were serious about it, or they talk about it to draw attention. Those who talk about it on social media love the worst kind of drama.
That's one hell of a generalization.
I belong to an online depression support group where, as you can imagine, posts about giving up are all too common. And yes, some do love drama but others simply don't know any different. For them online world and social media is the only means of communicating their angst and the lack of social skills means they often do so in ways easy to denigrate. If you were right, and there were no exceptions to your rule, then the "drama" would not lead anywhere, yet I lost count to how many members of that group have taken their lives. People who have posted similar messages to what OP had described. People who have randomly reached out one last time, perhaps hoping for a miracle. It's easy to become desensitised to it all. But I still think it's wrong to tar every single person who has ever expressed their suicidal thoughts online with the same brush.
I belong to an online depression support group where, as you can imagine, posts about giving up are all too common. And yes, some do love drama but others simply don't know any different. For them online world and social media is the only means of communicating their angst and the lack of social skills means they often do so in ways easy to denigrate. If you were right, and there were no exceptions to your rule, then the "drama" would not lead anywhere, yet I lost count to how many members of that group have taken their lives. People who have posted similar messages to what OP had described. People who have randomly reached out one last time, perhaps hoping for a miracle. It's easy to become desensitised to it all. But I still think it's wrong to tar every single person who has ever expressed their suicidal thoughts online with the same brush.
I agree. It's a myth that people who talk about suicide don't commit suicide. It's a disgusting and damaging myth at that.
...And yes, some [depressed people] do love drama but others simply don't know any different. For them online world and social media is the only means of communicating their angst and the lack of social skills means they often do so in ways easy to denigrate...
Thank you Itzpapalotl! I agree 100%!
Each person is going through a battle that only they know the seriousness. I have faced these feelings too many times! I usually call a warm line when I feel that way. They really help! You can talk about anything and everything. Whatever is bothering you. Try it-- it'll help.
You can google warmlines and your city and/ or state.
OP, I know you said you won't call her but if she ever asks for help, you can give her these numbers. Maybe offer to call them for her and hand over the phone once they are on the phone. She'll see she is not alone.
Here is warmlines for other states.
List of warmlines across the country. States or citys in red type are available for out of state callers as well as in state. Warmlines www.warmline.org
If you are lonely, sad or need someone, call. Talking changes our brain cells!
Each person is going through a battle that only they know the seriousness. I have faced these feelings too many times! I usually call a warm line when I feel that way. They really help! You can talk about anything and everything. Whatever is bothering you. Try it-- it'll help.
You can google warmlines and your city and/ or state.
OP, I know you said you won't call her but if she ever asks for help, you can give her these numbers. Maybe offer to call them for her and hand over the phone once they are on the phone. She'll see she is not alone.
I found two websites for New York.
If you are lonely, sad or need someone, call. Talking changes our brain cells!
Thanks for the links. I'll pass them along to her if she posts about being suicidal. I don't even have her phone number and I know she moved hours away from me. We only talk on FB in PM's.
IF she ever asked for my help I'd absolutely tell her to contact someone who's qualified to help her but she's never told ME she's suicidal. She's been posting that on her FB wall for all her friends to see. I can't even get her talk about anything in our private messages.
There's a lot of people that you can't really help. I've got an old friend and distant cousin back home- halfway across the country- who is schizophrenic. Sees/hears stuff that isn't there. Wildly inappropriate and scary in normal social situations among people he doesn't know. Bat****-crazy wouldn't be an exaggeration.
He hits me up on facebook once in a while with his latest (sometimes imaginary) drama. I talk with him like the old friend from way back that he is... but I don't really engage much. Because frankly there's nothing I can do from 1000 miles away. Even the professionals can't do much with him. And his family... they all have their own problems, some as severe as his.
I'm not outright saying that you shouldn't call the cops... but just consider how that's going to play out. With my schizophrenic old friend... he could easily get a beating or worse if they merely showed up to check on him. It wouldn't go well for anybody. Now your old friend may not be enormous, angry, crazy and armed like mine... but remember that cops are dangerous in their own right. I wouldn't make that call without putting some serious thought into it.
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